Every End is a new Beginning

This morning, I just started to cry. As I approach the end of the semester, I think about beginnings. My friends and I have been away from home for four months and I think we are just now starting to get a good look at what we want. I'm not the only one with a new beginning. My mom is graduating this semester. I know people graduate college all the time, but those people aren't my mom. My mom has been going to college for literally twenty years. When my older brother, Jeff, started school, my mom started taking classes. The only problem was that she kept having kids. Not long after Jeff started school was Rhea born. Before she was even in school, I was born. Mom was part-time when I was in second grade. She had been doing well, BUT then Patrick was born. Patrick is now in the third grade, and my mom is about to graduate college. She has been fulltime at the University of North Alabama for two and a half years. She is graduating with a degree in Sociology. This isn't even the best part, my dad is also done with his FIRST semester of college. For those of you who know him, my dad is one of the hardest working, most passionate people I know. He has been out of school for thirty-something years and he decided he wanted to go to school. He went full-time, and did not even take any remedial classes. He's given it his all, and it's nearly run him dry, but he's done it. And I could never be more proud.

Growing up, there was a lot of pressure on me to do well academically. My brother was kind of an academic superstar. He had pretty much a full-ride to college, graduated magna-cum laude with a double major, and studied abroad. He married the woman of his dreams, and he's just an amazing person. He ended up working for a mission organization and freelance writing. In the past year, he bought his first house and signed a book deal. (Whoever says you can't live off your dreams, obviously wasn't a dreamer...or a Goins)

Needless to say, Rhea and I have a lot to live up to. Rhea was also VERY smart in high school. It seemed like she never tried. Things seemed to come easy to her. She was smart, beautiful, and great with words. She ended up getting an amazing scholarship to UNA. She's graduating in May or August with a degree in Broadcast Journalism. She is the only person I know who ended up getting a job in their field BEFORE graduation. She works over 40 hours a week, goes to school full time, and takes care of the family when I can't.

Patrick is the smartest third grader I know, seriously, that kid is going to make millions one day. He's going to be an archaeologist. And a missionary. And a popstar. That kid is going to change the world. He has a fervor for life that keeps us all going. He loves God and it is projected through everything he does. He makes me want to be a better person. I want to be strong for him. I want to excel for him. I want him to have the life my older siblings and I didn't have. And he's going to.

Thanks for that Mom and Dad. Thanks for being strong for me. Thanks for showing me that ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. And it is never, ever, ever too late to accomplish your dreams.

This semester has been hard for me. Everything was new and exciting for me, and for you guys, too. Being in Birmingham is wonderful, I love UAB, but it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I love when I wake up and I have a voicemail from you guys just wishing me a good day. Or when I call Dad because I know he'll be the only person who will share my sense of humor in a too serious day. Or when I can count on Rhea to always say, "Screw them" when someone pisses me off, even if it's my fault. Or how Jeff always tells me what I don't wanna hear, exactly when I need to hear it. Or how Mom always tells me just to take a minute to breathe because God is with you even in the hardest of times, and you're gonna make it through. She's living proof of it. Patrick teaches me everyday what it means to love someone selflessly. What it means to just want to talk to someone. What it means to care about just how that person is doing.

Task by task, breath by breath, YOU'RE GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH. It takes faith in Christ, and a strong fortress to stand against, but it's not impossible.

The Goinses have been through some tough battles in their lives, but we're all okay. We're scarred, but we're not broken. We're hurt, but we know we're loved. They are all such hardworking, inspirational people and I am damn proud of it. (I know you hate it when I cuss Mom, but sorrrry). I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family. As finals come to the end, just know how amazing you are, and I'll be home in one week!

I love you guys 109! (-67)

P.S.
Deeder, Auck, Peeker, you guys are amazing! Pretty soon, we'll all be together, shaking presents, having dance parties, and eating cookies!



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Where Do I Go From Here?

There is just not enough time in a day.

This morning, my brother and I were having a discussion about what I was meant to do with my life because honestly, I don't know. I thought I wanted to be a lawyer. I thought I wanted to be attend law school, become a lawyer or a politician, and live the American dream, but with a spin. I want to make a lot of money and do a lot of money, but what if that's not for me anymore? What do you do when your dreams start to change? Welcome to college...

4 AM

Sometimes, I don't post for awhile because I don't think my words are worth being heard. Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in the things I should do, I forget who I am. I lose my identity in the world.

It's 4AM. I can't sleep. I can't even bawl, like I am wanting to. I am just sitting here, waiting for God to awaken my soul. I read my bible, did a devotion, revisited memories from Costa Rica, looked at blog entries from the World Race. Nothing seems to get me where I need to be.

When did I change? When did I become so busy? When did I lose my passion? Where did it go? Why isn't my heart breaking over this? Why haven't I been calling out in distress?  Why don't I want things anymore?

Where is my heart for missions? Why am I more concerned with being sexy than stopping sex trade? Why am I planning a Christmas trip to Hawaii when I have always wanted to go to Africa? Why have I been finding the littlest excuses to not go to church?

I'm not sure where I want to be...but it's not here. I don't want to be up at 4AM, freaking out about my inadequacies. I want to be up at 4AM praising His name. I want to be up at 4AM watching a sunrise in a foreign country. I want to be up at 4AM reading my bible to young girls who have just finished working the streets for the night. I want to be up at 4AM walking across town because there is a need that must be met.  I want my life to be about so much more. I want my life to mean something. Maybe I won't be Mother Teresa or even like my older brother, but I want to do something. I can't watch myself waste away in the selfish abyss anymore.

Justice for All?

We all learned the Pledge of Allegiance in grade school. We all know how it ends, "with Liberty and justice for all." Our country was founded on freedom, but does it still seek that freedom today? Was there justice for Caylee Anthony?

A little girl was murdered by her mother. Or that's at least what we all think. Honestly, it doesn't matter how this little girl died now. The trial is over. The important point is that a little girl died well before her time...and that is what breaks my heart.

I'm not going to sit here and write about how someone ought to give her mother what she deserves, or say, "screw you, America" or many of the various things floating around social networks and common conversations. My opinion doesn't matter on this case. No one cares if Marissa thinks that she was guilty.

What I am going to do is encourage my friends and the rest of America to do something about it. Sure, we can't change the verdict on the Anthony trial, but we can help in other ways. That's not to say that everyone needs to quit their job and go to law school, but instead, how can you provide justice in your own life? In the lives of those around you? What about those fighting for our freedom in other countries? Or organizations like Amnesty International which is dedicated to protecting human rights?

Don't just blab on Facebook. Do something about it. Call lawmakers and email your representatives. Your opinion only means something when you make it mean something.Take a stand for what you believe in and fight until the end. Fight for justice. Fight for Jesus. Fight for Caylee. Whatever you're fighting for, never stop fighting. There will be justice in the end. 

Lessons from Legally Blonde

It may sound stupid, but Legally Blonde inspires me.

Elle Woods is beautiful, intelligent, and successful. Sure, she is the exception, not the rule, but that doesn't matter to me. Movies aren't meant to be realistic, but that doesn't mean that they can't invoke something inside of you. The reason people in movies are so successful? They don't quit.

Here are some more lessons I learned from Legally Blonde:

1. Who cares what they say? I don't care what your mother, father, boyfriend, boss or advisor says, if you want something--pursue it with all that you have.

2. Research your facts. When you make people believe you actually care about them, they will listen.

3. You don't have to know it all...yet. If you want to accomplish something, teach yourself how to do it instead of waiting for someone to show you how to.

4. Never be rude to anyone. Everyone has something to contribute to your life. It is important to treat everyone with respect even if they're rude to you first. You never know--you may need their help someday,

Want to Change the World? Do it.

"So you want to start a revolution? Well, you know, we all want to change the world."

Yeah, that's a great thought, but what if we really did?

Alice's Blog

Water Challenge

Bone Marrow Registry

or come up with your own project! How can you help TODAY? How can you make a difference? How are you already helping out your community, state, country, or world? 

Need suggestions? Or have a suggestion? Leave a comment with your thoughts.

*I am a aware that the sound and video quality don't match up and I am looking into this. Thanks for being supportive, guys!

What I'm Eating (6/23)

Lately, I have been trying to step outside the box with my posts. I've been trying short posts, long posts, polls, tips, videos, lists, etc. Today, I am stealing an idea from my older brother. Every Sunday, he posts a blog about what he has been reading the past week. I've decided to do a spoof of that called "What I'm Eating," focusing on the interesting foods I've recently tried or want to try.

1)Al's Deli and Grill A small Mediterranean grill right off of UAB's campus in downtown Birmingham. We bought two gyros, a small fry and only spent about thirteen dollars! Best part? It's open 24/7!


2) Blue Diamond Almond Milk After reading an article in a magazine about the benefits of almond milk, I have wanted to try it. It is only 40 calories, and is about the same price as cow's milk. I chose "Vanilla, Unsweetened," and I really like it. Great for cereal, not so great by itself.



3)McDonald's Hot Fudge Sundae with Nuts Not exactly unusual, but it's definitely a must-have for summer!


4)Chicago Café's Italian Sub Salami, pepperoni, Canadian bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, green peppers, mozzarella cheese, Italian dressing, all on French bread! One of my favorite lunch spots.


and lastly, a food I want to try


5) Linguine with Mussels I love mussels, I love linguine, so when I saw this on an episode of Instant Star, I couldn't help but crave it.


What foods have you tried this week? Have you come across a restaurant you like? What food are you dying to try? Or perhaps, it's the perfect time of year to eat your favorite food. If so, let me know!

I'm Not a Girl But Not Yet a Woman--My FirstVLOG!

You Don't Need Inspiration to Inspire

Write two paragraphs, delete one, decide the other one was better, and become frustrated again. Why is it that some days words fly from our fingertips and other times nothing comes to mind?

When I was thirteen, I first became aware that writing was "my thing." I was chubby, awkward, and lonely. In my free time, I began to write stories of places I'd rather be, things I'd rather experience; I'd wish myself away from the torture chamber that is middle school.

All my friends would read my stories, demanding for the next chapter...until the chapters stopped coming.

Not too long after realizing I was a writer, I realized that sometimes, there's just nothing to write about. Sometimes, you'll write and say nothing, nothing at all. The words will cover the page, but they mean nothing. Ahh...writers' block:/

To me, writing is like having a relationship with God. You don't do it because it's fun. You don't do it because it's easy. You don't do it because it makes you feel good. You do it because once you've experienced it, there isn't life outside of it.

When I get writer's block, I seek inspiration from myself. I'll look at my old blog posts, poems, stories, and remind myself that my words mean something. Even if most of my posts are mediocre, the few that touch have the power to touch makes the rest worthwhile. God has given me a gift to inspire, to encourage, and to push people to see, to want, to act. I can't just abandon that. I can't leave behind the something that creates the very fiber of my being.

In my mere eighteen years, I've learned that when you've lost your passion for life, you have to remind yourself what brought you that passion and seek it with all that you have. You have to dive in headfirst, even if you think you're no longer talented, or if you believe you're no longer wanted. Sometimes, the only thing left to do is just go, and keep going. Your passion, your drive--your fervor for life will come back and be stronger than ever.

Here are some practical tips to help you keep pushing through...

1. Don't over edit. If it's not working, it's not working. Erase and start over.

2. Walk away for twenty minutes, after you write your first draft. Doing it first will invoke more procrastination, but waiting will help your revising flow better. 

3. Sometimes you just need to click "post." That's part of the process, not everything can be said perfectly, but that doesn't mean it doesn't need to be said. 

*This was done as a part of the Creative Blocks segment by "Standing on Giants" http://thoughtsaboutnothing.com/creative-blocks-20-somethings/

Break My Broken Heart

"I will rise when He calls my name."

As much as I love these lyrics, I don't know if I have enough pride to rise right now, especially not in front of my Creator. The irony? It's because of my pride that I'm ashamed.

Lately, I have just thought I was awesome. I thought, Marissa, man, you're great. I should have been thinking, Marissa, man, you're blessed. At this moment, though, I don't feel very awesome. I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed that I haven't thought of the end. All I can think of is right now. What would feel good right now? What would be fun right now?

I read a book a few months ago called Under the Overpass. It's a nonfiction account of a young Christian who chooses to be on America's streets for about five months. In it, Mike (the main character) meets a Christian (which is rare on the streets) who is pained by his personal sin. He struggles with alcoholism, and he literally gets on his knees and cries out to the Lord, seeking redemption for his sin. Mike asks himself why doesn't his own sin pain him like that.

I, like Mike, don't struggle with addiction, but I wish I could see my sin as God sees it. I pray that when I sinned, I wouldn't make excuses. I wouldn't tell myself "God will understand" or "it's not as bad as"... I pray that when I sin, I will fall on my knees and seek reconciliation with my Lord. 

This is my prayer for you. This is my prayer for Mike. This is my prayer for myself. 

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yvfso4Q8xg)

Clear the Wreckage from the Blast

Summer camps. Beach trips. New York City. Hawaii. California. 5Ks. Internships. Those are just some of the things I wish I was doing this summer. The thing is,  I had really big plans for this summer. I was going to become a part of a very prestigious program and start college early at my dream school. I have wanted this since my junior year of high school. It was unlike anything else my peers wanted.

My plan was going perfectly...until I didn't get in the program. 

You see, I had never wanted something so much in my entire life. It was a great program that was attached to scholarships, abroad opportunities, internships, and the chance to become proficient in a critical language. It was perfect. 

The day I got rejected (or well, days, because it took them a few days to get back to me), I was a nervous wreck. I didn't know what to want anymore. It was the first thing that was my own. My friends had academics, athletics, and an abundance of activities. I had invested so much time, effort, and heart. I wrote four different essays, hoping each one would win me a spot in the program.  

Right now, I can't help but feel an incredible loss. I can't help but wish things happened differently, but I made a promise to myself this summer. I promised that I wouldn't live in the past, even if the past was just yesterday. I promised to never stop going. I promised that I would no longer hold onto people things that have broken me.

I'm ready for my life to begin. 

I now realize that some things are out of your control. You can't make admissions counselors admit you. More importantly, though, you can't change the past. You just have to keep moving, and trust that God really has the best plan for you. Jeremiah+2911 

This fall, I am attending the University of Alabama-Birmingham, possibly the best public school in the state. I will have opportunities to study abroad, learn other languages, and explore big city culture. God has a reason for me to be here, and I've learned that despite what I think, His plan is so much better than mine. He wants me to explore all the opportunities in big city life that I wouldn't have received in Oxford. Think of all the different people, places, and circumstance that I can use to spread His love. Think of being surrounded by those people from other cultures, not just learning about them. 

What if our dreams could only come true if they changed?

To Rush or Not to Rush?

Being a recent high school graduate means that you have an easy conversation topic with anyone you meet. First, they congratulate you, then they ask what you're doing with your life and hoping you aspire to do more than keep your minimum wage job. They usually proceed to ask about your choice of major, and how you're going to pay for college. Usually the conversation ends there, except when you're dealing with your family...

There has been a lingering question among my parents and siblings, are you going to rush?

For those of you unfamiliar with the Greek system, Rush (formally called Recruitment) is a period of time when rushees (usually incoming freshman who want to be in sororities) sample each of the different chapters to see where they best fit. During the week, if a chapter wants you, you'll be invited to special events at that house. At the end of the week, if they've expressed interest in you, they'll give you a bid (an offer to join). You can either accept or deny a bid, and once accepted you become a pledge.

My brother was Greek. My sister was Greek. My mother wanted to go Greek (my sister and I told her she was too old for it). It'd be natural for me to go Greek as well, but I don't know...

I love the idea of being surrounded by about a hundred other girls who are there to support me. I love the idea of being able to share clothes with my sisters. I love the idea of formals, Greek Week, and other fun events. I love the idea of built-in friends, that I am connected to thousands of girls across the country. I love the idea of having alumni connections. I love the idea of being in an organization bound on tradition, philanthropy, and bonding. 

However, I don't fit in with any of the stereotypes that are associated with Greek life. I am not thin. I don't party. I don't have the energy to steal anyone's boyfriend. My family doesn't have a lot of money. Boys who wear visors make me want to vomit. I don't want someone to try to change me or slowly mold me into [insert letters here] ideal.*

I've always been an individual and thought that I would never be in a sorority. I thought those girls were superficial and petty, but now I watch my sister. I see her have cookouts with my dad, share secrets with her sisters, and get ready for formals. I don't want to look back on my college experience and regret not being a part of those things. 

This fall, I will get my first glimpse of Greek life during Rush. There I will decide whether or not I want to pledge any of the possible chapters. Maybe I'll find a group of girls who will exemplify the set of ideals I want in a sorority, and if not, I'll still meet a lot of people. People that could very well become close friends of mine.

Who knows, maybe I'll start a chapter of ADX? ;)

*I understand that these are indeed stereotypes, and not a representation of all Greeks. These can be a part of Greek life, but are not present in all chapters. I do not mean to offend any Greeks. 

Summer Lovin'

My favorite part about summer is that anything is possible. To me, there is nothing more beautiful than a summer night. The temperature is perfect, and the air holds an aura of "you're not going to live forever, just let go." It seems as if no rules apply. As if all the strains society hold on us, loosen a bit. Expectations drop and everyone is falling in love.

Sometimes, I wish that summer would last all year long (not the Godforsaken Alabama weather, but the attitude), but it would take the sentimental value out of summer. Nothing is special if it's easily accessible, kind of like Abercrombie. 

What are some songs that remind you of summer? What are some things you've done in summer that you would never do during the year? Have you ever had a summer romance?

I'd LOVE to hear back from you!

Redemption

Today, my sister she told me she wanted to go to Seminary. Six months ago those would have been the last words I would have expected to come out of her mouth. I would have expected her to say that maybe she wanted to move to New York to try to make is as a model, or Los Angelos and become an actor. Sure, she loves God; she's a great person, but she had never been concerned with difficult things. Things had always come easy for her.

My sister is beautiful. Most people think their older sisters are beautiful, but everyone thinks my sister is beautiful. She's thin, she's toned, and she knows how to work it. All my life I have been jealous of this jaw-dropping being because I got the short-end of the DNA stick, er, well strand.

Lately, though, things have been different. She's still beautiful, yes, but she's no longer shallow. She's thin, but no longer broken. She's working, but it's something much more substantial. (She's the only person I have known to get a job in their field BEFORE graduation.)

She and a very good friend of mine are launching a campaign called "Be Your Own." Be Your Own is short for "Be Your Own Prince Charming." It is dedicated to showing women around the world that they are worth something on their own. They are smart, beautiful, and strong, on their own. They don't need a man to save them. They don't need to wait on their lives to change. Whether it be a college graduate with a cruddy job in the suburbs, or a young women in Thailand selling her body to feed her children, Be Your Own is teaching women that they don't have to live like this. To describe it my sister said, "holding onto God can save you from misery, abuse,etc. You don't have to wait on a miracle...because it's already there."

That miracle is redemption. Redemption is about being able to be made new. Redemption is about no longer strapping yourself in bondage because God has so much more out there for you. I have seen my sister redeem herself through Christ and nothing has ever been more beautiful.

I wish my sister the best of luck in all her future endeavors, whether or not that is seminary. I encourage her to keep pushing, keep polishing, keep seeking His face in all that she does. I encourage her to be her own Prince Charming, and I am blessed watching her do so. Now, I see my sister as so much more than just a princess, but a reigning queen. One who's ready to take control and make changes in her own life and the lives on those around her. I could never be more proud.

Rhea Nicole, I love you.

Spring (or rather "Summer") Awakening

Summertime-- It invokes laziness, carefree attitudes, and lots of watermelon eating. Last week, I graduated high school and turned 18. On one hand, I'm excited about what it means to be eighteen. I'm excited to go to college. I'm excited to be a Mark representative (http://mgoins.mymarkstore.com/). At the same time, learning how to budget has been a terrifying experience. Thinking about paying for thousands of dollars towards my education is scary. Thinking about how hard it will be to get into law school is scary. The funny thing? Despite all this, I know I'm ready to grow up.


Summer is a time when our expectations change. We push ourselves socially, mentally, and sometimes even physically. Weight loss, reading, finding adventure--these are all very common things on a person's summer to-do list. This year, I have realized that I'm not going to live forever. I can't just keep put things off until next summer, or next year. I can't even wait until tomorrow. When my brother was in high school, a good friend of his died. At that point, he had realized all the experiences he had missed due to fear (see article here http://goinswriter.com/overcome-fear/). I don't want to wait for someone to die, or to have a near-death experience. I don't need a moment of enlightening to make me realize pretty soon I'll be out of this town. And my grandmother is getting old. And my little brother is growing up. Time is never going to stop ticking, but I can control whether or not the ticking is the beating of my heart, or a timer waiting for me to expire.




This summer, I'm going to tackle those things that I always said I would do. I'm going to take steps being the "me" I always wanted to be. Cheesy, I know, but hey, what if we only have until December 21, 2012?

Insta-friend

Lately, I have decided that I don't like a lot of the people I associate with. Some get on my nerves, some are just skeevy people, and some are just ridiculous. Call me a "glass-half-empty" gal, if you want, but I believe that one should never do something that doesn’t make him or her happy. Without much thoughtful consideration, I’ve been rethinking a lot of the relationships in my life. Who’s worthy keeping? Who’s just a high-school friend? Who can I actually talk to?

Some of my closest friends are what I like to call “insta-friends.” (You know those people you meet and immediately you’re friends? Pretty self-explanatory, I know.) I've only had a few meaningful insta-friends in my life. Call it pheromones, fate, or whatever--there is nothing that can make you feel more human than when you meet someone whom you instantly connect to. Some of my insta-friends, I call everyday. I haven’t talked to others in months. One thing that I'm constantly learning is that these don't have to be in your life forever. Even if you and your insta-friend don't make it in the long run, you'll always have that initial chemistry. You'll always be drawn to each other. No matter the length of time, you can always pick up right where you left off.   

As I embark on this journey to adulthood, I realize that "You can always go back to your soul mate. That's what makes them your soul mate." (Greek) Maybe we can have more than one soul mate, and maybe it doesn't have to be romantic. The person meant to be in your life can be a lover, a sister, a friend. Heck, you could have many soul mates. You know that cute barista? Who knows, maybe he could be one of your soul mates ;) 

Senioritis

I've tried to write and rewrite this many times, trying to perfect each and every word and to regain my composure as a writer. Honestly? I don't know how to right now. I don't know how to be all the things that make me. I don't know how to inspire, how to listen, how to awaken. Not anymore, that is.

The craziest thing? I don't have to, not right now. As cliché as it is, I'm going through a serious change and maybe when I come out on the other side, I won't want these things anymore. In three weeks, I turn 18. In three months, I start college. Maybe, I need to shed these things, at least for a little bit. Maybe, I need a bit of exploration to see what I really want. Maybe, I just need a break.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm going to be okay.

Speaking the Words

Writing is the hardest thing for me. Right now, I'm looking at my computer, begging to do anything but write. I'm even willing to do my pre-calculus homework. The funny thing is--sometimes it's hard to do the things we love. I'm not talking about texting or Facebook, or any other guilty pleasure. I'm talking about the things that compose the very fibers of our being. 

When I write, people expect me to be profound. They tell me I have a gift; they tell me I'm wise beyond my years. They tell me all the things I've been dying to hear. The things that make me feel elated, things that make me realize my purpose in the world. How ironic, but that's exactly when I have to stop. 

See, I do this weird thing where I make it impossible for myself to become comfortable. When I think become too adept with something, I flee. If I stay on Facebook too long, I won't let myself go on for a few days, I constantly throw away "unnecessary material objects." My mom thinks I'm a big sack of crazy, but I think it's just good to let go. When I went to Costa Rica in 2009, someone told me that it's not that God doesn't work when you're comfortable, but He works so much more when you're uncomfortable. 


In Costa Rica, my life changed. I experienced True Love for the first time. I *slept with strangers. I watched the sun rise in the middle of a broken street. I hiked the tallest mountain I'd ever seen. I wiped out in the middle of a rain forest. I slid through a muddy, hollow tree. 

I did thousands of things I never would have done at home. Things that were scary, confusing, and hard to admit. When I left, I was just an American teenager, but when I got home I was changed. I had become a great explorer, a missionary, a vagabond, even if just for a little while. The strangest part was that home didn't feel like home anymore. Honestly, I was anything but comfortable. 


My hope for you is that you can find the balance I can't seem to find. Fervently pursue the things you love, but never become comfortable. You have to change to change yourself. 


*meant in a literal, not sexual context

Comparisons Don't Increase Your Worth

I haven't posted for awhile. I decided to take a few steps away from myself, and stop thinking, and start doing. I knew I had to let go of the one thing I held onto so dearly-- writing.

The funny thing is--I learned that sometimes life is not about doing. This past month, I did a great job of doing. I saw more people, spent more money, and went many places. So this afternoon when my mom told me I'd be staying home all weekend, I was so relieved that I went to the library to get some books to lose myself in.

You see, sometimes we begin to think what we are, what we are doing is not enough. That we should all become Renaissance men or be extremely cultured. Some people like to find their worth in the things they buy, but not me. I like to measure worth by experience, knowledge, understanding. These are all very good things, but when is it okay to ever believe that I am more or less than I actually am? When is it necessary to question my own worth because of (lack off) accomplishments?

On Sunday, we had a guest preacher at church. He discussed how the angels cannot look upon the face of God (Isaiah 6). Though it would be nice to be an angel, they will never know the joy will we once know. One day, we will look in God's face, and He will call to us saying, "Well done, my good and faithful servant" (Matthew 25)...Or at least that's what I hope He'll be saying to me ;)

Waging War

Recently, I was made aware that people actually read my blogs. Wow, I cannot express what an honor that actually is. I have always wanted to impact the world (or at least my three followers) with written word. I have always wanted to start a revolution through love, encouragement. My blogs are usually a dedication to those who want something more, but cannot seem to place it. Or those who are still willing to fight.

Well, let the war begin. 

And this time, I'm serious. I'm making this post a short post because I am tired of writing to inspire while I just sit on my tail writing. I want you to get up right now, and let the war begin. Make a to-do list and start doing it. Stop procrastinating. Stop acting like Marissa. There are great things that need to be done out there and you are the only ones that can do it. WE ARE the only ones.

"Oh, God, let us be a generation that seeks, seeks Your face, oh God of Jacob."

Regardless of your beliefs or your backgrounds, if you're reading this, I believe that you are at least open to the idea of humanism, unlimited human potential. We can be masters of all, achieving great things for causes that actually mean something. No one is asking you to end world hunger, or establish your own non-profit. Just do something. Do not let your life pass you by, with you only wondering "what-if." 

Meanwhile, I will be creating my own grand list, and actually completing it.

endnote: if you need any ideas of where and how to take action, I am more than happy to let you know. Personally, I would start with one thing that seems really meaningful. Also, let me know in the comments what you want to do, and I'll be glad to assist.

Lay Me Down

I've been talking to someone lately that has been struggling with some of the same things that I have lately. Always there to lend my opinion, this is what I wrote to him, on regards to college, parties, and seeking meaning in everyday life:

"Ole Miss is the number 5 party school in the entire country. When I first heard this, I thought two things-"Yeaaaaaaaaaah!" and "oh no!" Then once I visited last year, I talked to some current students, I realized it is so much more than that. The good thing about a state school is that it has so many opportunities. For one, they have many religious life activities, and even a chapel. Also, think about how you can be that good influence and reach out to those around you.

And yeah, this is something that is definitely going on in my life, to a tee. A lot of my friends are like Kelli-smart, beautiful, Christian young women who genuinely want the best for me. The funny thing is most of them are in serious (or generally serious) relationships. I guess, I kind of like it that way. They aren't wild; they aren't talking to someone new every week. There's not a lot of pressure, but of course, there's a down side to that. Sometimes when I am hanging out with my couple friends, I feel so overwhelmingly lonely.

Then again, that is the problem with humanity, we just want to feel good. I'll go hang out with a rougher crowd, that doesn't make me feel as inadequate. They smoke, drink, some even do harder drugs. The funny thing,though, is not what these people do when I hang out with them. It's what I do. I flirt with guys in the wrong kind of ways. I am dying for a hit, even though I don't smoke. I make references to my rougher past, almost trying to fit in. I gossip. I'm judgmental. Sure, I don't do "bad things" but I don't act like I am filled with the joy of the Lord. The craziest thing, though? I drive home crying.

Being around people like that doesn't make me feel full. Sometimes, I don't even have fun, but I can just get so lonely sometimes. I realize that good people do exist, and that I need to fight harder for them. For instance, I'll arrange "girl nights" where just a few girlfriends come over and we eat pizza and watch movies. That way, I don't have to be surrounded by mushy gushy crap, but I still get to see my friends. It's hard to be single and a Christian. Actually, it's just hard to be single in general. The world keeps spitting out at us that we need someone to feel complete, and the world's not lying, but remember that person is God.

Some lyrics that really speak to me are the Wreckers "Lay Me Down," one line says "so shut your mouth and hold me close, we both know it's better than being alone. I don't mind killing time..."( here are the rest of the lyrics http://www.elyrics.net/read/w/wreckers-lyrics/lay-me-down-lyrics.html) That just breaks my heart, but it's so true. Sometimes, we don't even care if it's real, we crave affection.

I encourage you to read Song of Songs, 2:2 says "do not arise or awaken love until it so desires." God's has someone waiting for you, someone who will give you their everything, and you will give yours in return. Someone who will be your eternity. Until then, seek Him."

Melodrama

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to play this game anymore. I don't want to walk around acting like I actually want to live the American dream. I want something more.

I don't want to earn an MBA and work in a fancy office somewhere. I don't want to work on Wall Street. I don't to be a professor at an Ivy League university. I want something more.

I want to feel alive.

I love that as a woman and a person of a low-income family that I have the opportunity to go to college. That's so awesome. Everyday, I am thankful for all my rights. I am thankful to be an American. Just because America is great doesn't mean we should neglect the rest of the world.

As a high school senior, everyone is asking me what I want to do with my life. I have three very short simple answers. I want to travel. I want to write. I want to help people.

I don't want a lot of money. I don't want to be a member of my local church and chamber of commerce. Those are very respectable, very important things, but I want more. I need more.

My parents are trying to make me into the things that they wish for themselves. They are wishing a better life on me. They just want me to successful by society's terms. I may seem like just another melodramatic writer, but I'd rather stick my head in the oven.