FOMO, Effects of YOLO

This weekend, I had nothing on my calendar. I am not joining my group of friends in Morocco. I'm not having a sleepover with my sorority sisters. I'm not going to a music fest or travelling to a neighboring country. This weekend, I have been staying in Granada..and staying away from Instagram.

I often struggle with the fear of missing out (FOMO). I see my friends landing awesome internships, getting accepted into grad school, marrying the loves of their lives, and travelling the world and suddenly, everything that made my life unique seems insignificant. 

I know you're thinking, but Marissa, you live in Spain. How could you possibly feel like your life is uninteresting? 

The truth is, I know I am blessed. I know that in the grand scheme of life, this is a time in my life that will be packed with stories that proof to show my future children that I was actually cool once. I know that this semester, I have chosen specifically to study abroad in Spain. I chose to live in Granada for four months. I am not here to tour every national monument east of the Atlantic or backpack to every bar in Western Europe. I'm here for to learn more about Andalusian culture...and myself. Everything else is extra.

Studying abroad on a budget leads to many moments of FOMO. No, I cannot go to Ireland next week. No, I cannot buy churros con chocolate everyday. No, I cannot take a taxi everywhere I go, but rather I embrace those 45 minute hikes to pretty much anywhere civilization lies.

However, I think about how only two months ago, I was quite envious of my friends studying abroad. I was jealous of the stories and the pictures and the reminders on social media that their lives were so much more interesting than mine. I think about how many of my friends, some who I hadn't talked to in awhile, said that they were living vicariously through my pictures.

I think about how yesterday, I went and explored my city and found a park with a zip line and a store that sells gypsy clothes. I think about how I popped my head into a karaoke bar and ended up dancing with a crazy old man to a love song I didn't understand. I think of the friends I've made and the music video I helped them make today. I think about how this weekend I saw the caskets of Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand, the monarchs responsible for the Spanish Inquisition and sending Christopher Columbus to America. I smile as I curl my aching toes knowing that my life here is anything but boring.

I don't have to go to Africa to find joy. I didn't even have to cross the Atlantic. The truth is some of my favorite moments have happened in Rast Hall and Mervyn Sterne Library. They have happened in the Florence Taco Bells and my family's living room.

Living life to the fullest is not about the cities we visit or the items we check off our bucket lists. Missing out only truly happens when we are living a life in which we are not at peace with ourselves. As I replay the events of this weekend, I can proudly say that I am happy with the choices I've made and the person I continually choose to be. Missing out implies that we are not doing what everyone else is doing.

When has a story ever been born from following the status-quo?

Freely Mine

Refreshed. 

That's how I feel right now. I ignore the anxiety filling within my chest because I know it has no reason to be there. There is no reason for me to be feeling anything but peace. Nothing is wrong, but I'm not used to this. I'm not used to playing it by ear.

The river I run along

Right now, I don't have a job. I'm not dedicating hours of my week to chapter or recruitment workshops. I'm not sitting in board meetings for organizations I am involved with. At school, and even at home, I live my life on-the-go. I am constantly worried about money and all of my obligations. The time I get to rest is rare and usually consumed with social media and a Netflix binge.

I'm not really sure what to do with all this free time. Never have I ever not had a job. Never have I ever had time or freedom to just explore. Honestly? I'm not really sure what to do with myself.

In the past 24 hours, I worked on one of my fashion articles, worked to create growth within my book club, gave my blog a makeover, finally watched Frozen, worked out (twice), attempted yoga, and shared churros with the only other Delta Gamma in Granada, just to name a few.

I scroll through my Pinterest feed and smile as I see pictures of La Alhambra on a friend's "Bucket List" board. Right now, I'm living a life other people only dream of. I'm getting a chance to do something most people do not get to do. I'm getting the opportunity to anything and everything I've ever dreamed of. I don't have to ask anyone's permission or worry about missing any sort of obligation. (Besides class--I swear I'm in school full-time.)

Do not let the beautiful pictures fool you--my life here is not always a walk in the park...despite the fact that I do take daily walks throughout the various parks surrounding our neighborhood. However, my day also consists of hiking uphill and walking thirty minutes to get virtually anywhere I need to go.

The funny thing is that I worried that the ease that I was starting to live my life with would cause me to become sensitized to the what I like to call the "before stages." You know the beginning of the story when the struggle is still real and the protaginist is yet to have the moment where he realizes how much of a better person he is due to the suffering? Yeah, those moments.

Walk around in sketchy alleys for an hour in the pouring rain while wearing heels because you can't find your friends? No big deal, or as the Spanish would say, no pasa nada.

When you allow yourself to find peace, not even the worst of circumstances can truly disgruntle you. When you give yourself room to heal, the things that used to eat you alive seem much less important. When your blessings are great, you can only laugh at the misfortune in your life.

I knew I would change when I moved to Europe, but I thought that meant I'd start drinking my coffee black and knowing which wine went with each cheese. I figured I'd improve my Spanish and have a stronger appreciation for freshly baked bread drizzled in olive oil. I keep waking up and wondering why I am not European chic yet.

I have four months to figure out "who I am" or whatever that means. I have four months to escape the daily grind and live a life most people only dream of. I have four months to do...well, anything. That in and of itself is the most terrifying and freeing reality that there is. Who will I become? The choice is mine. I honestly could not think of a simpler, more beautiful concept.

I do not know what I am doing six months from now or even what I am going to be doing after dinner...and that is okay. Sometimes I have to set aside my overpriced Lilly agenda, and just do whatever it is that I want to...simply because I can.

Climbing Mountains

"Marissa, just press send."

Last night, my roommate Marianne and I were taking a break from living la vida loca to partake in a dreaded task that every study abroad student must eventually face--that we are actually still in school. Googling internships and configuring summer jobs, we both acknowledged that there were some things we needed to configure for the future. Even worse, there were some things I had not yet figured out from the past.

With a little encouragement, I decided it was time to finally fix a situation that I had put off for far too long. There was a reason I had put off emailing my professor for almost a year--I was scared. The fear of the possible negative outcome was far worse to me than the fear of never knowing.

Gypsy Cave close-up

This past Sunday, I climbed a mountain...literally. I did so in my monogrammed jacket, Spirit Jersey, with my Lilly camera case in tow (that perfectly matched my croakies) but I did it. I went on a 5-hour hike in the outskirts of Granada amongst the gyspy villages.

During the first five minutes, I thought I was done. We had four sets of staircases before we even got on our trail. I thought about saying "Adios" to my friends and walking myself back home for a siesta. I knew I couldn't though. I came to Spain to challenge myself. What was the point of being here if I leave unchanged? 

I took a few "throw what you know" landscape pictures, adventurously wandered into gypsy caves, and even created a few trails of my own. I feigned confidence as we scaled down the muddy side of the mountain when we had reached a dead end. We spent hours figuring out if and how we were going to get off the mountain.  When we finally were on flat land, I had a pride I had never quite experienced. Part of me wanted to sing "Survivor" by Destiny's Child.

Throw What You Know

I'm glad I confronted this fear. Not because it was another story to tell or photo to share, but because there is a peace you can only receive in the outdoors, a level of self-awareness that can only be found in the wild. Even more so, there is a confidence that can only come from staring your fear in the face. When you study abroad, every single day is an adventure. Not because of the mountains you climb, or the bars you go to, or the exotic cities you explore. Even the most mundane activities become foreign, even if it is just trying to find your way home after going for a run in an unfamiliar part of town.

Gyspy Caves

Our dreams will always be more colorful and more challenging than we had imagined and our fears will always be smaller and less important than we ever thought. Each night while going for a run, I wonder what trials and tribulations I will face in the next day. As I see the sun set on the peaks of the Sierra Nevada, I cannot help but be a little hopeful.

So last night I asked myself, "Why are you scared of sending an email?"