To Save a Life

"What's the point of all this if it's not going to change you?"

I just finished watching the movie To Save a Life. I could probably say it's the best movie I've ever watched. I could probably say it's the best movie ever made. Either way, this movie is changing me.

Jake Taylor has it all. He's captain of the basketball team. He's got the girl of his dreams. He's been offered a scholarship at his dream school. What more could a high school senior want? The kid who had it all learned what it was like to lose it all, and then gain something far greater. (see synopsis, trailers, and character information here http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1270286/)

Watching this movie, I couldn't help but wonder-am I one of those Christians? Am I just another sin on Friday, repent on Sunday kind of person? I never believed I was, but now I am beginning to wonder.

When was the last time I stepped out of my comfort zone for the sake of someone else? Sure, I'm friendly. I talk to people, but when has I really attempted to build a relationship with someone that I wasn't easily friends with? Is this changing me? Is it changing me permanently?

The love and joy I have received through Christ will never fade, never weaken, but do people see it? Do people look at me and say, "she perfectly represents Jesus"? I don't think so, not given my recent actions.

I'm not looking for compliments. I'm not looking to criticize the church. I am just asking one question, "what's the point of all this if it's not going to change you?"

Too much, too little

Too much, too much, too little.
Too much, too much too little.
Never offering enough, always holding too much.
Look closely but please don't see.
the whispers, the shouting, the laughing,
the deceit.
words are just words, and thoughts are too much
we can never give away
what we see, what we do
secrets can only kindle,
but keep such a fire warm

Hyper-reality

hyper-reality: the image created by the media of what our lives should look like; usually is associated with the phrase "I will be happy when..."

Will you be happy when you lose that last ten pounds? Will you be happy when you move out of your parents house? Will you be happy when that one thing is eliminated from your life?

Let's be real, here.

My Christmas List

It's Black Friday. Everyone knows what that means- Christmas season has officially started. Since everyone is doing their Christmas shopping, everyone is asking what they want for Christmas. What do I want for Christmas?

I want a truly free county.
I want a family that gets along.
I want Christ's love to be known in all the nations.
I want every hungry child fed. 
I want hyper-reality to end. 
I want women to feel safe.
I want men to be protectors, not perpetrators. 
I want world peace.

I could spend hours listing the problems of this world, but people will always look at me and say, "okay what do you really want?" I've got a more important question, why does it matter what I want?

Think of your life five years ago, did anything drastically change you? I'm sure something did, but I highly doubt it was a Bath and Body Works bath set. I doubt it was a gift certificate from Best Buy. I doubt it was that pair of pants you never wore. What impact will the presents you buy have on your loved ones in five years? Five months?

There's nothing wrong with buying presents for people-giving is a wonderful thing. What are you going to buy, though? What are you going to ask for? What are you going to do?

 I cannot be silent anymore. I cannot sit here and receive cute outfits and think how wonderful my life is. Don't get me wrong, my life is wonderful. I am blessed beyond understanding, but it's not about me. It's not about the stuff. It's not about any of this. It's about them. I encourage you as you are Christmas shopping this year, buy something that will change a life. Buy something that won't leave you or the recipient the same. Maybe you'll purchase an encouraging book, or donate to a charity, or even buy a gas card for someone who doesn't have a lot of money. It doesn't matter what you do, just do something.

http://www.kyampisi.org/Programmes/End-Child-Sacrifice.aspx

Blissfully Ignorant

Blissfully ignorant. It's a wonderful thing, right? To be ignorant, to be unknowing, to live in a world of population 1. I am seventeen years old, and I am wanting to put an end to ignorance.

I look around my house, and am disgusted. I see a fully-stocked fridge, a flat screen television, and closets full of clothes. The ironic part? We aren't considered well-off, not even close. I sit here typing this on my mother's computer because mine is too slow. I think of my selfishness and I want to spit.

As I check my email, I see tons of advertisements for children who need food, and people who are enslaved. I think to myself, how sad, and sign a petition. Rarely do I think, there are people in this world who cannot even walk because of their physical weakness. People who walk miles and miles to find clean water. People who are raped continuously because someone found them as an amenity. You hear these things as well, but do you listen? Do you hear the millions crying out for help? The millions whom to us are just that-millions. They are a number. We don't acknowledge that the little girl dying of AIDS isn't some prostitute, but in fact, a victim of a father who raped her because he believed it would cure his illness. The saddest part of these statistics? They didn't know any better.

The sickening part of that reality is that we're just like that man. We cause pain through our indifference. We might throw a few coins in a red bucket outside Wal-Mart, but do we really care? Do we care that people are dying everyday? They are dying of things that are simply nuisances to us. What if you were African? What if you were Thai? What if you were Chinese?

We are so blessed to live where we live. We are so blessed to have what we have, but what about them? Most of the time, it's not their fault. They are victims for a reason. They are victims because someone is yet to save them.

I'm not saying that you should sell all your possessions and buy a one-way ticket to Africa, but you can if you want to. I'm saying we all have talents. We all have hearts. We all have something missing. We all have something to give. We can give our attention-our minds and souls. We can stop looking at the cute dying African children and saying, "aw." We can start looking at them and saying, "their parents are dead." "They wake up in incredible pain everyday." "They don't know where there next meal is coming from." "They don't know how long they are going to live." As sad as it is, that's the truth-the cold heart truth. We live in a sad, sad world, but unlike those children, we can do something about it.

I'm ready to start a revolution. I'm not asking for your money. I'm not asking for your friendship. I'm asking you to take a minute to step out of your life and just care. Care about the tragedies of this world. Care about the injustice. Care about the broken. Care about the abused. Care about those that are faceless, nameless. I agree with Elie Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor, when he said. "Indifference, to me, is the epitome of evil."

Barely There

Inadequacy. That seems to be the reappearing theme in my life. College Admissions. Friends. Scholarships. Finances. Family. I'm not looking for pity...One more opinion might be the death of me.

I'm above average. I've known this my entire life. I was always decently smart, decently nice, just decent. Lately I've realized, though, decent isn't good enough.

There is nothing that can ever prepare you for your last year of high school. It is one of the most stressful times of a person's life. Over and over the same question is being asked, what are you going to do with your life? Most seventeen-year-olds don't know and the ones that do haven't the slightest idea of how to accomplish it.

Do you want to go to college? Technical school? Start a career? If you do, how are you going to get there? When you're younger, they tell you to stay in school, but don't give much further guidance. They don't tell you that staying in school isn't enough. Being college ready isn't enough. Sometimes, being the best isn't enough.

The biggest stress in my life right now is how I am going to pay around $100,000 for an education. I qualify some scholarships, whether it be need- or merit-based. But some isn't enough. It isn't okay to put some effort into things. It isn't okay to be amongst some of the best. You need to at least strive for excellence. I tried what I thought was my hardest, but the academic top ten strove three times harder.

In life, someone will always be better-this much is fact. I can deal with that. If someone is going in the same direction as me, though, shouldn't we be striving for the same things? If not, won't I just be selling myself short?

Settling is never acceptable. Good enough is no longer good enough. Somehow I will find ways to pay for my much-deserved education. I'm not sure how, but I'm not so sure that matters. The point is well, I guess we're all still figuring that out.

This Is It.

In less than two weeks, I'll be a high school senior. I'm terrified. I feel like I should be scared because I'm leaving my friends and all I know, but then again, I've done that before. I can leave easily. Leaving isn't hard. Preparing to leave is what's hard.

This is my last chance to make an impression, to make things right, and to prepare for the future. I'm not dying so this is so much more than an ending; it's a new beginning.

What legacy will I leave behind? What loose ends will I be able to tie together? Will I be able to tell the guy I've liked since sophomore year how I feel? Will I finally achieve my desired grade point average?

Will I get accepted into my top choice? Will I receive enough financial aid? Will I prove to admission officers, my peers, and my teachers that I am good enough? That somehow I'm not just another face in the crowd?

Knowing this is scary. Knowing that it's all going to change is scary. A lot of my friends seem to be so content with their life. They know where they fit. I've never fit in, and that hasn't really been a problem for a couple of years, but what about now?

Senior year is about having "unity" with your class. I realize I may never see these people again, but is that a reason to act like I'm best friends with people who have rejected me for 5 years? I don't plan on being on bad terms with anyone, but all "buddy-buddy"? Come on...

On the other hand, I'm trying to convince people that somehow I fit in at a place with people I've never met. I don't even think I can fathom the emotions I'll be feeling this year. Will I be able to tackle tasks that are so unlike anything I have done before? More importantly, can I convince other people I can?

Is senior year about something ending or beginning? I don't believe it's as simple as an either/or. I already miss the things that once were, but I'm dying for a chance to see what's ahead. No matter what happeneds this year, I've got good friends and a God that's on my side, and we're not going quietly into the night.

Eenie Meany Whiny Moe

On the way home from the fireworks, one of my friends told me I was 'whiny.' This took me aback. Me, whiny? How? When? She explained that whenever I don't get what I want, I sulk.

My first thought was, "so?" Of course, I'm not going to be happy when I don't get what I want. Obviously, I chose said thing because it was what made me happy. Is that such a ludicrous theory?

Now that I've had time to think about this, and set my emotions aside, is it okay for me to sulk? Sure it's natural, but is it okay? And if it's okay, does that still make it right? I guess this all depends upon what a person believes.

What message am I sending out to others when I sulk? What am I contributing when I sulk? Who benefits from this? I suppose I do, but either the person gives me my way (and I feel bad) or they don't and I'm still unhappy. There's not really an upside to the situation.

As a Christian (and a human being), I should be willing to lessen myself (and be happy doing so) for the benefit of others. I think a lot of us don't have that hard of a time doing things we don't want to do, or giving up things we want. Yes, these things are hard, but the real battle is doing these things positively. This reminds me of the movie The Break Up. During one scene, Jennifer Aniston's character tells Vince Vaughn's character that he should want to do the dishes, and he replies, "No one wants to do the dishes."

Of course no one wants to do the dishes. Of course no one wants to change the radio station when their favorite talk show host is on. Sometimes, we have to do these things. We have to lessen ourselves to make someone else greater. We have to lessen ourself to make our God greater. Because if not for selfless love, what is our God? What is our relationship with Him?

"If we are the body, why is His love not showing them there is a way? Jesus is the way."

Through our love, what examples can we set? As Christians and as members of the human race, how can we love a world that is just waiting to destroy us?

Happily Never After

Earlier today, I was watching a favorite show of women everywhere- SATC. After one episode, one clearly sees that this show isn't made to be realistic. Sex and the City is the story of four girlfriends in New York City trying to find fulfillment in men. Many SATC fans would disagree with this statement, but even as a die-hard fan, I swear it's true.

The sad thing, though, is that though many of the women 'hate' men, they are constantly searching for a man. And if they are taken, they are looking for ways to better their relationship. I was thinking 'life isn't really like this' when I watched it, but is it?

It's wrong in the sense that we don't always get our happy ending. A woman breaking up with her boyfriend of 10 years and the mysterious maintenance man decides he's in love with her don't usually happen simultaneously (no, this is not a SATC episode).

On the other hand, the show is very accurate in showing women's constant need for men. Not all women (but a good percentage) find their fulfillment in men. When a woman gets together with her friends, what do they talk about? MEN (and shoes). It's heartbreaking. It makes me almost be embarrassed to admit I do these things.

Take Samantha for example, she convinces herself that she's above men by sinking down to their level (having lots and lots of casual sex). Or Miranda, who tries to control every aspect of her life, and never really takes a leap of faith to see if the life unattained is better. What about Charlotte? Charlotte's primary goal in life is to get married. She looks for marrying qualities in every man she dates, but breaks her own rules when a cute guy comes around. And Carrie? Carrie makes her living off discussing women's love [sex] lives, and all she really wants is for everything to be okay with her and Big.

It's sad. I'm not saying that we should blame the media for our men-depend society, or saying that anything is wrong with dating, or wanting to get married. No, not at all. Marriage is a beautiful thing. Heck, sex is a beautiful thing (not that I would know). But should these things define us? Should we allow them, let alone encourage, them to?

I love the Y chromosome as much as the next girl, but I think it's our job as a society to teach the younger generation that though having a man is a wonderful thing, it is not the "thing." To girls everywhere who are single, fabulous, and letting their pursuits go to a better cause-my hat is off.

Crazy

Many times people say that so-and-so makes them crazy. Usually it's said discussing the annoyance a familiar member or close friend has caused. In my life, I have someone who literally makes me crazy. When I am around this person, I lose all control. I don't know how to function. I don't know how to control myself. It's so strong, it's almost like I am possessed. Reading this, you may think I am talking about a passionate love affair, but I'm not.

Have you ever met someone who "makes" you go against all you know? Someone who brings out the very worst in you? Someone who aggravates you so much you think you can't breathe? Someone who is so ridiculous that you justify the crazy? I do.

It's a terrible feeling. Personally, my advice is avoid these people, find people who lift you up, who make you want to be better. I have learned that sometimes you cannot avoid the people who make you barbaric. I've also learned another thing.

You do not have to be crazy. You see I have experienced Love so grand that there is no reason for me to be crazy. There is no reason for me to be angry. There is no reason for me to be revengeful.

The more I consider, the more I realize what is really crazy here. What is crazy is that I am so unbelievably blessed and so loved that there is no reason for "the crazy" to exist in my life. I have convinced myself that I won't be okay until I am away from this person, and you know what? That may be true. I may be over it when I get away, but I don't have to wait.

I don't have to wait for myself to heal only because I have allowed myself to get bitter. I recently read a book, and a guy in it had overcome a lot of pain in his life when asked how, he replied "when something traumatic happens, you can either get bitter or better. I chose the latter." (paraphrased)

Isn't that the truth? What I have found to also be true is that I don't have to wait to get better. Maybe if I can get better now, it can help eliminate the crazy. Heck, it's worth a try.

Algo Mas

I'm inspired. I'm sure you're thinking that I have been inspired to write because I am so obviously a writer. I suppose that is true. I was inspired to write. The real inspiration though, is seen through what I am choosing to write.

I have been reading Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris. I first heard of these twenty-one year old twins when I read Zach Hunter's books Be the Change and Generation Change. Alex and Brett have written two books, and also hold conferences and write a blog call the Rebelution (http://www.therebelution.com/blog/) Zach has been an active abolitionist and has written three books since he was 15. He is now 18. All three of these books discuss the ability of young people and how we are too often underestimated.

I am a good kid. I take pride in this. I do not do drugs or have premarital sex. I am on Honor Roll, and I have even jump started my college education. I did all my research on colleges, not my parents. Now, I am not trying to brag, but my parents are lucky to have me.

I have a lot of friends. A wide variety too. Some of my friends are in these honors classes with me, some are high school dropouts. All my friends have flaws, and so do I.

You see, lately I've had a yearning for something more. I have a lot of faith in God. I have been his for four years now, but it is deeper than that. I want something more than the mundane details of this life. I want my life to count for something.

As I stated before, I am not a bad kid. When I wonder about myself and my worth, I find it very reassuring to know that I'm "not as bad as..."

Now, sitting here in my room, I must ask, 'does that matter?' I don't think so. I may have believed that a week ago, even said it, but not now. Do Hard Things makes one realize that the teenage years are not a break from society. It is not something that is disconnected from your life. It should be used as preparation for the rest of your life. And the strength, agility and naivety teens possess should be channeled and used for the greater good. This doesn't just mean avoiding the bad stuff, it means going above and beyond the low expectations set for teenagers today. Look at Zach, look at the twins. Look at the members of my Costa Rica mission team last year. Teenagers are capable of abandoning themselves and working for something more. And I want to revive that within myself, and my community.

I WANT SOMETHING MORE. I am willing to do hard things. I am willing to step outside my comfort zone. I just don't know how or where to start. I'm passionate about a lot of things, or at least I was. I can't seem to grasp anything of substance right now. I don't feel forsaken, but I do feel lost. I want to be used. I want God to use me in big ways. I want to do something more, not selfishly, not for a college application. I want to live an extravagant life not tainted with material things, or selfish desires. I want more, and not just for me.

Menial Mind Trap

I glide my hand down the railing and look up at the rain. Mother offered me her umbrella this morning, but I declined. It was only sprinkling then, but now it was progressing to a more steady stream. There was no breeze, so the temperature felt just right against my oversize flannel shirt. Weather like this makes you believe anything can happen, good or bad. Either it is going to start pouring and the temperature will drop, or in an hour the sun will be welcoming you to your day. Normally, rainy days depress me, but not today. The walk on the bridge is fairly long, and my mind can think of nothing more than words. My famous philosophies start breeding.

Look at me-I’m a mess. My clothes are too big, too tight. My hair is never combed. I am not too fond of makeup, and my shoes are fairly sensible. My socks don’t match, and I doodle on my own body. If you looked in my purse, you’d find a Dora the Explorer water bottle, but also a newspaper. At this point you’re probably thinking okay, well this is obviously a middle aged mom.

Well, you’re wrong. I am a sixteen-year-old girl. I am an aspiring fashion designer and a chocolate addict. I like shopping at Abercrombie and texting cute boys. I think my teachers are annoying, and I skip school a lot (like today). I listen to my music a little too loud. I don’t get along with my parents, and I like to dance inappropriately. I’m a normal teenager. Aren’t I?

Only, this does feels wrong. Most teenagers can be given a menial task and accomplish it if they have some motivation. They take everything for what it is. They complain about a task, put it off until the last minute, and then complain about having to stay up until 3 AM to finish it. Don’t get me wrong, I do some of these things, but the process is a little different.

My mind races a mile a minute. I never seem to get anything done because I cannot concentrate. I think too much, do too little. What does that leave me with? A feeling of being misunderstood? Not quite. It just leaves me searching. Everyday, I look. I’ve found most of the answers but I can’t seem to apply them. I’m told I’m wise beyond my years and fairly grounded, but why do the things I do contradict that strongly?

My grades are suffering, especially Creative Writing. What? What’s that you say? Oh, I’m a writer, so shouldn’t that be my best class? Maybe it should, maybe it should not. I have never really understood the concept of things one should do. There are things you have to do, and things you want to do. Should is only a reason to live strictly by the terms set by society. I do not have to do that. I do not want to do that. Therefore, I am not doing it. No matter what I ‘should’ do.

This paper, or venting, future story, or just a journal entry, whatever this Microsoft 2007 document will end up as, it doesn’t matter. I should be doing my homework. I should be writing a scholarship essay. But right now, I must write for me.

That is the funny thing about the things a person loves to do, he/she no longer loves them when he/she is forced to. The things we love become a blur in the labor of our lives. WHY? Why should we do that to ourselves? Why should we taint ourselves with a life without leisure?

Why does our society define leisure as such a negative thing? Why do we put our meaning in terms of performance? Why can we not be adequate without being the best at something? Why does everything have to be so perfectly scheduled? Why can we not escape without a set time? Does that not defeat the purpose?

It’s disgusting, really. Doing is not living. Planning is not living. Yes, these things are most definitely necessary, but are by no means what leaves us content, not really. We think that if maybe we score a little higher on the ACT, or if we get the promotion, or love our family a little more, then everything will be okay.

You see, the thing about life is that it is not some formula. There is not a predetermined way to live the perfect life, no secret to the ‘American Dream.’ Don’t look at this and say, ‘of course, I already know this.’ We need to be reminded. You see, I understand that I am young, and perhaps a little reckless, but I realize there is a lot I do not know about life. Chances are there are some things you do not know either. The other day I came across a beautiful quote that seemed to fit well here, it discusses how maybe we do not have it all figured out, but that is okay because we are all learning.

“It seemed like a fine philosophy. In five years, I thought, it will seem just as silly as all the other fine philosophies I’ve had. Perhaps, as you went along you did learn something. I did not care what it was all about. All I wanted to know was how to live in it. Maybe if you found out how to live in it, you learned from that what it was all about.” –The Sun Also Rises, Ernest Hemingway.

Perhaps that is all true. I believe it to be. There’s a lot I so strongly believe in. And yes, leisure is one of them, but so are education and work. There are times to work and times to play. It’s a daily thing though, seeing where it is right to do which. People can advise you on what you shall do, let you see a different side of that and that is great, really. Remember that your world does revolve around you, and you are the only one ALL your decisions will affect. Be considerate of others, but let your decisions be between you and your beliefs. Honestly, sometimes we need to be selfish, to escape reality, and to have fun. Is that so wrong?

To Wait, To Want

Dreaming is the only way we stay close to reality.

Everyday. What does this mean? What can it mean? What is forever?Forever is just an echo of our dreams. At least that's what it is for me, at least that's what I'm choosing to make it. If I don't, I could die. I would lie everyday forcing acceptance to the mundane. What is that called? Certainly not forever, not how we pictured it.

We all want better things, bigger, nicer, newer things. Material or not, we all want things. It is perhaps one of the biggest downsides of being human. Lust is our ever-companion. No matter where we go she seems to follow. It's haunting, yet so enticing. We invite her. We encourage her. We wait for her. We look for her. Demented? Of course it is. Everything human existence stands for is.

The abstract place or time in which we refer to forever is really just where we reach the plateau. A plateau we will never find. A plateau that does not exist. Our crutch will always haunt us through lust. We will never be content. We will always be searching.

So when does forever begin? Now? In 20 years? Next week? I'm quite confused as to when this enchanting adventure will begin. The only answer is now. Of course. We cannot walk through life living cliches and smiling and nodding. When we do these things, we leave out the most important details-crying, lying, waiting. Waiting for what? For a fairy godmother?

It's harsh. It's degrading. It's the human race. It sounds like a t-shirt, doesn't it? It is okay to search. It's okay to wonder. It's okay to want. We just can't wait.

Call me naive. Call me ignorant. Blame my generation and their 'microwave' mindsets. Waiting is the problem of mankind, not anything else. Not poverty, not ignorance, not selfishness. Surely these are all components and very important matters, but they don't create the havoc waiting does.