Liar, Liar

I'm a liar.

Then again, so are you--we all are. We lie when people ask us how we are. We lie when we tell ourselves that we are happy with the daily grind. We lie when we say we aren't still hurt by a crude comment. We lie when we say we're okay that someone threw our heart away, or forgot about us.

We lie because society tells us we don't have a choice. Society tells us that we cannot show weakness. Society says, suck it up, it's not a big deal.

We bottle it up and bury ourselves. We confront our problems at the bottom of bottle, underneath a stranger or from behind our resumes. We hope that maybe, just maybe, we can fake it long enough to convince ourselves that this is what we want.

But if we are honest, we all begin to ask, is this as good as it gets? This is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? Chasing worldly success and every quick fix hoping that maybe we can feel again? Or worse, hoping to not feel anymore?

It's funny how all the things that are supposed to make us "feel good" begin to leave us feeling more empty than before.

The dreamer I used to be is desperately searching for an alternative, she is screaming, "What about the experiences you had in Costa Rica? What about those nights you said you were going to change the world? What about Isezerano?"

If this is all I have to look forward, then every sacrifice I have ever made was made in vain. If all we have to hope for is a life of convenience, then every martyr who was burned at the stake has died in vain. If all we have to live for is pursuing the next task and awaiting the next phase of our lives just to escape again, then why do we have troops in the Middle East dying for our freedom? Surely, it's not so we can overindulge and overwork ourselves.

There's gotta be something more...Isn't that what our hearts are begging for?

It is the whisper that shouts, but we all walk through life knowing deep down that there is something more waiting for us. I can't tell you what that looks like for your life. Honestly, I don't even know what it looks like in my own life. I can, however, say that it finding this usually starts with a simple realization--every single person on this planet feels the same way.

So what if maybe, just maybe, we could be eachother's purpose? What if we chose to love and lift those around us? What if we could look in our communities and reach out to the broken?

It's about so much more than feeding the homeless or adopting a three-legged puppy. It is about living a life in which you are in constant pursuit of connection with others. It's about letting go of your pride and letting someone in.

Maybe we can prove society wrong and we can all start being a little more honest. We can look ourselves and our friends in the eyes and say, "I don't want to live this way anymore."

Better Than You

I'm a really trusting person.

I can blame it on my astrological sign or my small town upbringing, but I live my life as if everyone is innocent until proven guilty. I am a very open person and I mistakeningly expect everyone else to be.

I'm not exactly a creature of mystery. I don't act coy. I have always said, this is who I am and what you see is what you get.

In the past couple months, though, I have realized that this isn't necessarily the way to go. You cannot simply offer yourself on a silver platter and hope someone chooses to oblige. No matter how hard you try, no matter how well you do, your offer may rejected, or worse--your trust betrayed.

Because of my fixation with self-improvement, I made somewhere around ten New Year's resolutions, but my biggest one was to not give people more than they deserve.

Trust is not something that is just handed out like flyers in the dining hall. When you start at a new job, the owner is not going to hand you the keys to the place on your first day. When you meet someone for the first time, he or she is not going to spill out their insecurities, fears, and former heartbreaks.

Of course, there are exceptions. Tomorrow, I could easily go to Chicago and be serenaded in the middle of a parade. (Except that I'm not planning to go to Chicago, and I don't think there are any parades happening, but Carpe Diem, right?) I could meet an attractive soldier that falls in love with me in less than two weeks. Considering Nicholas Sparks and John Hughes are not writing the script for my life, I do not foresee these events happening.

This semester, I've gained a lot of respect for myself because I have chosen not to pursue relationships with friends or guys who aren't actively trying to be in my life.

I'm not bitter. I have just accepted that 9 times out of 10, I am not the exception. We are fed love stories in romantic movies and we hear the tales of a friend of a friend's whose husband met her when she was his call-girl during his first marriage. We hear about our friend who has been "without labels" with the same guy for a year and he finally took her on a cruise vacation where he proposed.

In reality, though, I see a different friend crying on a weekly basis because she doesn't understand why a guy won't call her back. She doesn't understand what she did wrong because she has been trying so hard for days, or weeks, or months, and he still doesn't seem to be happy. I see girls stay friends with other girls who use them for their closets, or connections, but ignore their calls when they're hurting.

The truth is--people suck. People are going to break your heart. People are going to make you want to punch objects (or people).

Before we lock away our hearts and throw away the key, we have to acknowledge that there is some good in this world. Though I'm not the exception, I've realized that I'm still exceptional. I have wonderful people in my life who tell me so everyday.

When I began to let some of the sketchy people go, I was scared of the relationships I might lose. I was worried that I'd lose opportunities and friends that I had fought for. However, I gained so much more than a better sense of self-worth or self-respect. I have friends who give as much as they take. I have people in my life who spoil me and surprise me and make me a priority.

The background of my phone currently says, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." These words by C.S. Lewis remind me every single day that I can't dwell on the past, I can't question the what-ifs, and I can't keep people in my life that continuously let me down.

I'm better than that, you're better than that, and the people we are waiting to become and the experiences we are awaiting are worth so much more than that.

*photo was found on Instagram and is derived from a Will Smith quote

Onto the Next One

I wish it could just be simple, like a retro pop song, "I want you to want me." Boom. End of story. We all live happily ever after. But it is never really like that, is it?

After the occurence of some unfortunate circumstances Friday night, I decided to spend Saturday night  relaxing with a sorority sister and luckily, John Tucker Must Die was on TV. In the movie, three of John's exes aim to ruin his life by causing him to fall in love with a no-name new girl and then used her to hurt him. Even after breaking John's heart like he broke theirs, the girls did not really gain anything that he owned them. His next girlfriend(s), though? They received the honesty and respect that the exes had fought for.

One of the most devastating and fulfilling experiences in life is seeing someone or something thrive after moving on from you.

Right before high school graduation, the only guy I had ever really cared about got into a functional and happy relationship with someone who wasn't me. Last time I checked, they were getting pretty serious. At first, I didn't understand why he had already got his happy ending and I hadn't.

Now I realize that we all deserve a happy ending. Just because someone cannot give you what you need doesn't mean that either of you lack the ability to find someone who makes you happy. In the game of life, things don't work out, and hearts get broken.

The truth is, though, everyone in our life is here to teach us something. He taught me that sometimes you have to slow down and take a deep breathe. I was able to show him that there was an entire world out there, begging him to experience it. In that relationship, I thought I did everything right, but I didn't get to reap the benefits of it--the next girl did.

Sometimes, we teach people lessons not for our own good but for the next step in their lives.

During "sophomore pursuit" on my chapter's sisterhood retreat, my pledge class talked about what it meant to be a sophomore and how proud we were of the newest initiated class. WE recruited them, and I can only hope that the class they recruit is even better than they were.

Perhaps it is just another part of growing up, but bettering my organizations and the people in my life has begun to mean so much more to me than making a name for myself. When you make a commitment to a person or an organization, you are deciding to live for something greater than yourself. Sometimes that means allowing them to thrive without you.

We plant seeds, but we don't always get to see them grow. We make plans, but we don't always get to see them come to fruition.

I look at the virtually brand new facilities that my college offers that alumni tuition paid for. I look at the people I care about and how the failures and successes in their past relationships have allowed them to be the wonderful people they are today. I look at my sorority and at how much my chapter has grown because of the officers and sisters before me.

Watching an organization or an ex flourish without you can be sad...at first. However, once we accept that we played a role in betterment of something, I think we can find closure. And isn't that all we are really looking for? A reason to move onto something better? Something that someone else prepared for us?