Not All It's Cracked Up To Be

I like people to think that I don't have emotions, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

I'm a writer--I feel everything. I choose and embrace every moment or emotion that comes my way. I cherish every seemingly insignificant experience. The smallest thing can make my day or wreck my world.

Yesterday, my best friend told me I feel other people's pain too often. She told me I let my loved ones' burdens pile onto me, and crush me. She said, "you don't always want to be the person who is always hurting, always has a problem, even if it's not your own."

I have a savior complex.

In high school, I used to date people with hopes of "saving" them. My mom believed I was codependent. I always ended up dating guys who were deep into drugs and didn't share my values. These guys would tell me that I was the light in their lives, that I was the rock getting them through. The truth is, though, that none of these guys were ever fixed, not permanently anyways.

What actually happened was that I attached myself to broken people, people who offered me nothing, people who took everything I had. I walked away with only a broken heart and more baggage than I had before.

I no longer attach myself to addicts, but I still give everything to those around me. I'm the girl everyone confides in. When a boy breaks your heart, I'll show up with ice cream, wine, and a chick flick. I'll be the one to drag you to the party after you've been moping for a week.

Need to go out and forget? Or stay in and feel? Either way, I'll be there.

Empathy is a beautiful thing, feeling everything with someone wrecks you in a way that makes you feel human. Aching for someone else is one of the deepest ways to show love. Suffering with or for someone is one of life's greatest heartbreaks, and it isn't going to feel good. It's a sacrifice for a reason. Despite what your religious beliefs may be, no one can argue with John 15:13 that says, "there is no greater love than a man laying down his life for his friends."

Constantly feeling other people's pain comes with a price, though. It can be consuming. It can envelop you. It can take your joy away. It can leave you needing something, anything to escape the consistent pain.

I'm not saying I don't want to be there for my friends anymore or anything like that. I'm saying it is important for me to have more positivity in my life. I need to focus on the blessings I have been given. I need to focus on the love I have in my life, rather than the pain.

It's time to let go.

Now is the time to let go of all the things that eat at me, that break me, that take from me. Every single day, we are given a choice--we can choose to suffer or we can choose to be happy. Today and everyday, I want to choose the latter.

I want to chase the things that make me happy--not just extravagant dreams, but the little ones as well. I want to put all this energy into books I love, my work, and use it to only exude more love than pain.

I got some really terrible news yesterday, the kind of news that makes you think about the fragility and futility of life. Each day is a gift and only we can decide how we are going to spend it. The good news is that every morning when we wake up, we are given a new beginning, another chance, a fresh start.

I am choosing to experience joy and spread joy every single day.

Happiness

Growing up, I wanted to be an actress. As a got older, I wanted to be a lawyer. And now? Now, I just want to be happy.

I can't help but think of John Lennon's view on happiness:

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”

Everyone is asking me what I'm doing with my summer, and I'm like, well, I went home. I'm sleeping, watching Army Wives on Netflix, and I'm spending time with those that I love.

Actually, that's still selling myself short, I'm continuing my internship with College Fashionista, I'm working 30ish hours a week, and I'm publishing an e-book.

Many of my friends stayed behind to take summer classes or went off to begin a cool internship, and I'm stuck living a life far too familiar. And the weird part? I'm okay with that.

Last month, I was walking along the beach with a friend and I told him that I wanted my life to be a  country song. He asked which one, and I said any of them.

I am ready to stop living this chaotic life--or at least slow down a little.

Earlier this semester, I interviewed a senior for a class assignment and when I asked her if she had any regrets, she said that she wished she had taken things more slowly, taken more time to enjoy college.

A year ago, I knew exactly what I wanted with my life. I was going to major in Public Relations, move to Washington D.C. and become a publicist for a politician-- and that was only Plan B. Now? I have close friends that are pre-med, pre-law, pre-pharm, etc.

And me? I'm pre-beach.

Two years from now when I embark into the "real world," I foresee that reality containing the ocean. Maybe, I'm just in a transitory period of my life, but right now, I think I would be content with just living at the beach and writing enough to keep food on the table and a roof over my head.

This morning, my father and I were eating breakfast on the front porch and talking about wanting to move to the beach. He said that he recently read somewhere that if we keep vacationing in the same places, if we keep seeking the same escapes, why not move there?

No other outlet expends the clarity I feel when I feel the tide brush onto my feet. As much as I love Birmingham, you can't see the stars there. In the city, I walk outside my door and hear helicopters and sirens. I don't hear children playing or couples laughing while holding hands as they walk the shoreline.

I don't want to live my life workday to workday waiting for the weekend, or my next vacation. I want to wake up everyday and be happy with where I am, what I'm doing, and how I'm living. I want to spend every morning running along the beach and end every single day with my toes in the water.

I don't think it's too much to ask to experience this serenity everyday. I don't think it's too much to want to be happy. I don't think it's settling to prioritize these things, but rather essential.

Because on your deathbed, you aren't going to wish you could have worked more, or done more. You are going to wish that you spent more time loving who you've let yourself become. It won't matter if I went to Columbia's law school or if I moved to Gulf Shores. How much is it really worth to have had an impressive life if you're not happy?

So, what am I doing with my life? I'm living in pursuit of happiness. For me, right now, that's enough.