December 31, 2012

Mazel Tov

New Year's Eve. 2013 is finally on its way here. We all survived the Mayan Apocalypse, now all we have to worry about are the zombies.

I'm really bad with New Year's resolutions. Actually, I'm really good at making them; I'm just really bad at keeping them, but then again, most of us are. We all want to lose weight, improve relationships, and better ourselves in some way.

Last night, a friend of mine told me that 2012 was the first year she had completed all her resolutions. When she told me this, I was genuinely happy for her. However, it caused me to take a second at my last twelve months, and I don't know if it's one to be proud of.

I've made numerous mistakes this year (check out some of my blogs from this semester to get more  insight). Many of these mistakes had serious consequences, which caused me to grow up a little--actually, I had to grow up a lot.

This year, I'm going to turn 20. I guess that makes an adult, or that it means I'm starting this journey.

Now, I just have to figure out what that means and how that's supposed to look in my life. Does being an adult mean working an 8-5? Does it mean wearing a pencil skirt? Does it mean avoiding parties? Does it mean going to bed and waking up earlier?

I think being an adult means realizing that you can't always do what feels good. It's about so much more than not doing something. It's realizing that you can't be the person you want to or need to be without changing how you live your life.

I think that maturity is realizing that everything worth having will take hard work. It isn't the decision that makes us mature, but how we live out that decision. Discipline is how we become an adult, how we become our own savior.

My New Year's resolution isn't really a resolution. It's a choice. I'm choosing to love myself and respect myself enough to become the person I strive to be. I'm resolving to do all the things that will transform me into the person I've wanted to be, and to try the things I've always wanted to do.

Happy New Year! I wish that whatever it brings, you make decisions and memories that, a year from now, you can look fondly back at.

December 22, 2012

I Ain't Settlin'

Oftentimes in life, we settle without realizing that we are.

Lately, I've been thinking about settling, in terms of not just relationships, but also in the context of who we are choosing to be. If we aren't being the best version of us we can be, we are, indeed, settling. If we aren't seeking things that make us feel whole, we are settling. If we aren't chasing lasting things, we are settling.

Are we going to take the cheap and easy way out? Are we going to get wasted when a problem arises? Are we going to seek comfort in a boy when our hearts hurt? Are we going to run to the things that make us feel good?

Not all escapes are bad, but they all are escapes. Escaping is cheating yourself. When you live a life in which you are constantly escaping, you are choosing to avoid living life. You are choosing to avoid not just pain, but meaning, longing--true human emotions.

With relationships, we all know when we are settling. We can look at the person we are dating (or whatever we choose to label this thing we do), and know if we could do better. We know when we are being treated poorly. Sometimes we make excuses for people because in our minds settling is better than being alone.

But why do we allow society to feed us these ideas? Why do we feed into it? Why don't we fight against it?

Why don't we respect ourselves enough not to settle?

I'm in college and I'm single. Actually, I've been single my entire college career, and most of my life. I may not be the prettiest, or the smartest girl around, but I most certainly have had opportunities to date. However, I don't just want a boyfriend;I don't want to date someone just to date them.

Last night, my best friend from high school said the most simple, yet touching comment on relationships, "I'm tired of boys wasting my time." Even more than that, though, I'm tired of wasting others' time.

I'm not saying that I'm ready to walk down the aisle because that is most certainly not true. I'm not even saying that the next guy I really like will be my forever, nor do I want him to be. I'm saying that I don't want to date someone who has absolutely no chance at being that person for me.

The same rings true for friends. I don't want to fill my life with people who dress well and have a good time, but aren't there for me when it really counts. There is so much futility in life that we need to make sure the relationships we have with ourselves, our friends, and our significant others mean something. We need to make sure that we aren't wasting our time because we don't have much time to waste.

When my children grow up, I want to tell them I had a wonderful college experience. I want to tell them I (mostly) made decisions to be proud of. I want to tell them the people in my stories are the people they know and trust. Maybe, I'll even be able to say that my first real relationship was with the man they call father. I may be an idealist, but that doesn't mean the ideal is unachievable.

December 20, 2012

The World is Ending?

Is the world ending tomorrow?

I probably picked the wrong day to watch the History Channel, but here I am watching end of the world theories. The Hopi people, Nostradamus, the Mayans, the book of Revelation, and the Quran refer to many similar catastrophes that end the world. 

I have to ask myself, though, what if the world ends tomorrow? What will I regret doing? Or rather, not doing? 

Will I be disappointed that I never got to go skydiving? Or that I never told the guy I liked how I felt? Maybe, I'll regret not going to Spain sooner.

For some reason, I think the things I will regret are a little more personal. I regret not fighting for a relationship with my grandparents. I regret not calling Patrick everyday. I regret not telling my entire family how much they mean to me...every single day.

What I regret more than anything, though, is any mean thing I've ever said. I regret the times I talked bad about people I didn't know because they didn't dress well. I regret being rude to my teachers in middle school. I regret telling my parents I've hated them. I regret calling my sister stupid. I regret making jokes at others' expenses. 

I regret behaving in any way that doesn't reflect love.

If the world ends tomorrow, actually, I want you to know this if the world doesn't end as well--I just want you all to know that you are loved. I want you to know that you matter, that you have a purpose in this world.

I want all the men to stand up and believe in something greater than themselves. I want them to be strong, for their [future] families and every woman in their lives.I want all the women to know that they are beautiful. I want them to know that they are wanted. I want them, also, to believe in something because if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. 

If I could tell you all anything, it would be to love. If If I could tell the world just one thing, it's be "we're all okay. "

December 19, 2012

Let's Be Honest

Today, I woke up and my face had life. I didn't resemble the zombie I was during finals or the basket case I was during recruitment. I didn't wake up with a mission; I only woke up because that is what we do. We wake up, we live out our day, and then we go back to sleep.

Last summer, I lost fifteen pounds, not trying too hard. I cut down my calorie count but that was about it. The biggest change I made was that I begin to take better care of myself. I began sleeping more than my usual 3AM-6AM nightly regimen.

However, as soon as fall hit, it was like I had no control again. I thought I handled spring semester poorly, but fall was probably the worst season of my life. Not that it was obvious—I was pretty good at pretending my life was together, for awhile.

The biggest lesson I learned this semester is that slowing down, coming home, saying no: these aren't the things that make you weak. They are the things that give you time to regain strength and become whole again. When you put yourself in a million different places but you are not okay yourself, you will slowly fall apart.

Last year, I reconnected with a good friend of mine from high school, and she confided in me that she went through a hard time while away at school...But then she came home and she was okay again. It took much pride to leave, but she had to do what she had to be healthy—mentally, physically, and emotionally.

After she got alcohol poisoning in the Spring, another friend of mine moved home. And it was the greatest thing that ever happened to her. I have never seen her more whole, and now, she is one of the happiest people I know.

I'm pretty self-reliant. I've had a job since I was thirteen. I've done my own laundry since I was ten.  I learned how to cook my own ramen when I was merely eight. I've never been the type to rely on my parents, or anyone else really.  I, especially, don't like asking for help.

Finding an alternative way to live my life seemed ludicrous a few months ago. Saying no to an activity or opportunity was out of question. I HAD TO DO IT ALL. What will law school admissions think of me? The person who I will be compared to probably said yes, and me? Well, I wanted sleep. I wanted a break. What will they think of me then?

The funny thing was that because I refused to change, the change was made for me. My sorority put me on probation for a month's time because I had missed meetings I was too busy to realize I had to attend. I had a rude awakening after failing a midterm in my science class. My president pretty much told me that I had let her down as a VP and stopped relying on me.  My friends told me I was unable to listen, to understand, to even care.

I became apathetic because I didn't know how to care anymore.

Needless to say, my life was a mess. But last week, I was texting a dear friend of mine and told her that I screwed up my life. Her response was, "and you have a month to fix it." 

She was right— I have the opportunity to fix my life. We all do.

Talking about how each day is a new beginning is super cliche. I get that, but the reasons cliches are cliches are because they are true. Have you ever noticed those evangelists who used to be addicted to cocaine? Maybe they messed up every relationship in their life and ended up living on the streets? And now they are the most passionate and loving people you have ever met...

Well, everyone loves a good redemption story because it is the story of all of us. At some point in our lives, possibly daily, we have to take a minute to reevaluate what we are doing. We have to ask ourselves, how can we change? How can we take the mistakes we've made and turn them into something greater?

In about a week, I will return to Birmingham and slowly get back into the grove of things. I have faith that this time will be different. I will stay whole and healthy. I won't have panic attacks. I will sleep every night. I will say no to my friends.

In 2013, I want to be more than the girl who's willing to do anything. I want to be the girl who stands for something. I want to be the girl who lives a life that means something. And I will. I'm trusting my readers, my friends, my family, my Prince of Peace, and myself that I am going to do this.


I am going to be the best, not just the most productive, me I can be. I'm going to focus on having healthy relationships with myself, and all those around me. Promise.

Happiness is only real when shared.



*This is probably the most honest blog I've ever written. It contains many personal details of my life. Please respect the fact that I am willing to share it with you. 

December 17, 2012

Even Celebrities Need Humility

Tonight, I feel empty inside. I'm not broken, but I'm longing. I feel unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

Call me dramatic, but tonight, I watched the last episode of Gossip Girl ever and I finished the Great Gatsby. There is something about characters that lead rich and extravagant lives that entices us, draws us in, and makes us long to be a part of  their world.

I cannot help but find parallels between my personal life and the lives of the outsiders clawing their way in. Dan Humphrey, Gossip Girl's own lonely boy from Brooklyn, and Nick Carraway, Gatsby's curious neighbor, were not that different from each other...and not that different from me.

In high school, I was pretty odd. I designed my own clothes and had a quirky personality. I said things for shock value and I wanted to save the world. I guess I've become a little more "mainstream" since then.

I was never popular, but I've always been friends with popular people. I was everyone's favorite outsider.

When I came to college, I began to find myself. A year ago, I thought I had everything figured out, but little did I know, my journey had just begun. I had thought that one semester shaped me into the person I was meant to be, but I was only just getting started.

Second semester of my freshman year, I exploded. I got real involved real quick and I began meeting tons of people. The funny thing is that once you meet tons of people, you will always be meeting tons of people. You get a core group of friends who then introduce you to their group of friends and so on and so forth.

This fall, something odd began happening. I would see people, or rather people would see me. Strangers began knowing who I am and who I was friends with. Once in September, a friend introduced me to someone and she said, "I know exactly who you are."

Wow. I make jokes about being a celebrity, but when people started knowing me and noticing me, it shocked me. It still shocks me.

I had stepped up my game through fashion—reserving my peasant clothes to after-hours library sessions. I worked my networking skills. I even landed myself an internship that is a stepping stone to my dreams.

And last week, someone looked at me and said, "I want your life. Your life is perfect."

Um, what?

Somehow, somewhere along the way, I have made people think that I am the person worth knowing. I played the role of the coming-of-age misfit to social butterfly all too easily.

That's exactly what it was, too—a role. I created a role for myself in which I was the shining star, much like Dan Humphrey did for himself. He wrote himself into their world to prove to them that he was worth being there, to trick them into thinking he already was.

When you're playing a role, you learn one truth—you can't play forever. It is a role because it is meant to be temporary. It will either envelop you or release you into who you were before. Too often it's the former.

Blame astrology or seasons or whatever you choose, but different identities are easy for some people to swap and to switch, day in and day out. Though swapping identities or living a dual life may not be necessarily wrong, it is exhausting.

It's tiring convincing people you're perfect, even if that's not really what you're trying to do. It's tiring to live up to who someone else expects you to be, no matter what it looks like. No one is single-faceted and we cannot allow people to depict us like that.

You know what? I am a fashion blogger. I talk A LOT. I am dying to own a pair of Louboutin shoes. I like Lilly Pulitzer. Dancing gives me freedom. Bacon makes me smile. I could post memes of Gossip Girl all day long. I can quote every line of Mean Girls.  I love my sorority. ElleWoods inspires me.

You know what else? I acknowledge that I am nothing without Christ. I have high aspirations for myself which include law school. I love meeting new people, and taking time to just get to know them. I plan on being at least tri-lingual one day. I've been writing since elementary school. Late nineties alternative bands like Third Eye Blind intrigue me. I make really unattractive facial expressions when I'm alone with my friends.

My brother once said to me, "You're better than you believe, but not as good as you think." He's right. I'm capable of so much more than I believe. I am a child of God, and a blessed one at that. However, I am not God's gift to the world (or even my university).

These words are true for you as well. No matter what your personal beliefs are, know you are worth something in life. Know you are capable of achieving great things, but know which things in life are lasting and which are fleeting. The approval of man won't last forever and it won't keep you whole.

Dan Humphrey may have gotten what he wanted in the end, but what did he have to sacrifice to get there? What do we sacrifice to achieve our dreams? What if we realized that achieving our dreams could mean something?

What if our dreams change? What if our dreams become someone else's dream and we are able to make a miracle happen?

With the impending holiday season, it doesn't seem right to act selfish and live our lives as if we reign inside our own world. How are we going to choose a role that means something this holiday season? How can we take the conflicting sides of who we are and morph them into a person with not only integrity, but power and passion?

This year, (given the world doesn't end on Friday) I'm going to take the superficial qualities I seem to possess and use them alongside my more practical qualities. My ability to make friends is so much more than a quest for new closets, but can be an opportunity to reach out to a variety of people that are broken.

I look at the world and what's happening, and I can't help but think all the superficiality, and most of the practicality, in our lives is futile. Children are being shot in their classrooms, people are starving, dying--everyday. Let the real reflection be what can we do with what we have? What can we give?


Let's be honest—we're all takers here.

December 3, 2012

Procrastination

Your tomorrow is defined by the choices you make today.

Like are you blogging right now when you could be studying for finals? Or Facebook creeping when you should be writing that paper? Discovering new GIFS instead of finishing your group project? Or just wasting time when you could be sleeping?

Part of me feels like I should be typing up an inspiration post about how procrastination only hurts you, but that'd be quite hypocritical of me, wouldn't it?

You already know that you shouldn't be reading this, that you should be doing something more productive. In a blur of highlighters, study guides, and notes that don't seem to make sense anymore, how are you going to focus?

Will you rely on caffeine, or self-prescribe Adderall? Maybe you're one of those rare people that makes good life choices, and you're going to get enough sleep this week and avoid social networks.

As for the rest of us, go ahead, creep a little, take a walk, make excuses. Do anything to get your brain flowing. Staring at the same page for thirty minutes isn't going to help you retain information any better, but then again, complaining isn't going to either.

I'm a big fan of making good habits now, but how do we even begin to do that? How do we make ourselves work hard before we play hard?

What are your tips and tricks for studying? How do you stay focused when everything else is screaming for your attention?