Mazel Tov

New Year's Eve. 2013 is finally on its way here. We all survived the Mayan Apocalypse, now all we have to worry about are the zombies.

I'm really bad with New Year's resolutions. Actually, I'm really good at making them; I'm just really bad at keeping them, but then again, most of us are. We all want to lose weight, improve relationships, and better ourselves in some way.

Last night, a friend of mine told me that 2012 was the first year she had completed all her resolutions. When she told me this, I was genuinely happy for her. However, it caused me to take a second at my last twelve months, and I don't know if it's one to be proud of.

I've made numerous mistakes this year (check out some of my blogs from this semester to get more  insight). Many of these mistakes had serious consequences, which caused me to grow up a little--actually, I had to grow up a lot.

This year, I'm going to turn 20. I guess that makes an adult, or that it means I'm starting this journey.

Now, I just have to figure out what that means and how that's supposed to look in my life. Does being an adult mean working an 8-5? Does it mean wearing a pencil skirt? Does it mean avoiding parties? Does it mean going to bed and waking up earlier?

I think being an adult means realizing that you can't always do what feels good. It's about so much more than not doing something. It's realizing that you can't be the person you want to or need to be without changing how you live your life.

I think that maturity is realizing that everything worth having will take hard work. It isn't the decision that makes us mature, but how we live out that decision. Discipline is how we become an adult, how we become our own savior.

My New Year's resolution isn't really a resolution. It's a choice. I'm choosing to love myself and respect myself enough to become the person I strive to be. I'm resolving to do all the things that will transform me into the person I've wanted to be, and to try the things I've always wanted to do.

Happy New Year! I wish that whatever it brings, you make decisions and memories that, a year from now, you can look fondly back at.

I Ain't Settlin'

Oftentimes in life, we settle without realizing that we are.

Lately, I've been thinking about settling, in terms of not just relationships, but also in the context of who we are choosing to be. If we aren't being the best version of us we can be, we are, indeed, settling. If we aren't seeking things that make us feel whole, we are settling. If we aren't chasing lasting things, we are settling.

Are we going to take the cheap and easy way out? Are we going to get wasted when a problem arises? Are we going to seek comfort in a boy when our hearts hurt? Are we going to run to the things that make us feel good?

Not all escapes are bad, but they all are escapes. Escaping is cheating yourself. When you live a life in which you are constantly escaping, you are choosing to avoid living life. You are choosing to avoid not just pain, but meaning, longing--true human emotions.

With relationships, we all know when we are settling. We can look at the person we are dating (or whatever we choose to label this thing we do), and know if we could do better. We know when we are being treated poorly. Sometimes we make excuses for people because in our minds settling is better than being alone.

But why do we allow society to feed us these ideas? Why do we feed into it? Why don't we fight against it?

Why don't we respect ourselves enough not to settle?

I'm in college and I'm single. Actually, I've been single my entire college career, and most of my life. I may not be the prettiest, or the smartest girl around, but I most certainly have had opportunities to date. However, I don't just want a boyfriend;I don't want to date someone just to date them.

Last night, my best friend from high school said the most simple, yet touching comment on relationships, "I'm tired of boys wasting my time." Even more than that, though, I'm tired of wasting others' time.

I'm not saying that I'm ready to walk down the aisle because that is most certainly not true. I'm not even saying that the next guy I really like will be my forever, nor do I want him to be. I'm saying that I don't want to date someone who has absolutely no chance at being that person for me.

The same rings true for friends. I don't want to fill my life with people who dress well and have a good time, but aren't there for me when it really counts. There is so much futility in life that we need to make sure the relationships we have with ourselves, our friends, and our significant others mean something. We need to make sure that we aren't wasting our time because we don't have much time to waste.

When my children grow up, I want to tell them I had a wonderful college experience. I want to tell them I (mostly) made decisions to be proud of. I want to tell them the people in my stories are the people they know and trust. Maybe, I'll even be able to say that my first real relationship was with the man they call father. I may be an idealist, but that doesn't mean the ideal is unachievable.

The World is Ending?

Is the world ending tomorrow?

I probably picked the wrong day to watch the History Channel, but here I am watching end of the world theories. The Hopi people, Nostradamus, the Mayans, the book of Revelation, and the Quran refer to many similar catastrophes that end the world. 

I have to ask myself, though, what if the world ends tomorrow? What will I regret doing? Or rather, not doing? 

Will I be disappointed that I never got to go skydiving? Or that I never told the guy I liked how I felt? Maybe, I'll regret not going to Spain sooner.

For some reason, I think the things I will regret are a little more personal. I regret not fighting for a relationship with my grandparents. I regret not calling Patrick everyday. I regret not telling my entire family how much they mean to me...every single day.

What I regret more than anything, though, is any mean thing I've ever said. I regret the times I talked bad about people I didn't know because they didn't dress well. I regret being rude to my teachers in middle school. I regret telling my parents I've hated them. I regret calling my sister stupid. I regret making jokes at others' expenses. 

I regret behaving in any way that doesn't reflect love.

If the world ends tomorrow, actually, I want you to know this if the world doesn't end as well--I just want you all to know that you are loved. I want you to know that you matter, that you have a purpose in this world.

I want all the men to stand up and believe in something greater than themselves. I want them to be strong, for their [future] families and every woman in their lives.I want all the women to know that they are beautiful. I want them to know that they are wanted. I want them, also, to believe in something because if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. 

If I could tell you all anything, it would be to love. If If I could tell the world just one thing, it's be "we're all okay. "

Let's Be Honest

Today, I woke up and my face had life. I didn't resemble the zombie I was during finals or the basket case I was during recruitment. I didn't wake up with a mission; I only woke up because that is what we do. We wake up, we live out our day, and then we go back to sleep.

Last summer, I lost fifteen pounds, not trying too hard. I cut down my calorie count but that was about it. The biggest change I made was that I begin to take better care of myself. I began sleeping more than my usual 3AM-6AM nightly regimen.

However, as soon as fall hit, it was like I had no control again. I thought I handled spring semester poorly, but fall was probably the worst season of my life. Not that it was obvious—I was pretty good at pretending my life was together, for awhile.

The biggest lesson I learned this semester is that slowing down, coming home, saying no: these aren't the things that make you weak. They are the things that give you time to regain strength and become whole again. When you put yourself in a million different places but you are not okay yourself, you will slowly fall apart.

Last year, I reconnected with a good friend of mine from high school, and she confided in me that she went through a hard time while away at school...But then she came home and she was okay again. It took much pride to leave, but she had to do what she had to be healthy—mentally, physically, and emotionally.

After she got alcohol poisoning in the Spring, another friend of mine moved home. And it was the greatest thing that ever happened to her. I have never seen her more whole, and now, she is one of the happiest people I know.

I'm pretty self-reliant. I've had a job since I was thirteen. I've done my own laundry since I was ten.  I learned how to cook my own ramen when I was merely eight. I've never been the type to rely on my parents, or anyone else really.  I, especially, don't like asking for help.

Finding an alternative way to live my life seemed ludicrous a few months ago. Saying no to an activity or opportunity was out of question. I HAD TO DO IT ALL. What will law school admissions think of me? The person who I will be compared to probably said yes, and me? Well, I wanted sleep. I wanted a break. What will they think of me then?

The funny thing was that because I refused to change, the change was made for me. My sorority put me on probation for a month's time because I had missed meetings I was too busy to realize I had to attend. I had a rude awakening after failing a midterm in my science class. My president pretty much told me that I had let her down as a VP and stopped relying on me.  My friends told me I was unable to listen, to understand, to even care.

I became apathetic because I didn't know how to care anymore.

Needless to say, my life was a mess. But last week, I was texting a dear friend of mine and told her that I screwed up my life. Her response was, "and you have a month to fix it." 

She was right— I have the opportunity to fix my life. We all do.

Talking about how each day is a new beginning is super cliche. I get that, but the reasons cliches are cliches are because they are true. Have you ever noticed those evangelists who used to be addicted to cocaine? Maybe they messed up every relationship in their life and ended up living on the streets? And now they are the most passionate and loving people you have ever met...

Well, everyone loves a good redemption story because it is the story of all of us. At some point in our lives, possibly daily, we have to take a minute to reevaluate what we are doing. We have to ask ourselves, how can we change? How can we take the mistakes we've made and turn them into something greater?

In about a week, I will return to Birmingham and slowly get back into the grove of things. I have faith that this time will be different. I will stay whole and healthy. I won't have panic attacks. I will sleep every night. I will say no to my friends.

In 2013, I want to be more than the girl who's willing to do anything. I want to be the girl who stands for something. I want to be the girl who lives a life that means something. And I will. I'm trusting my readers, my friends, my family, my Prince of Peace, and myself that I am going to do this.

I am going to be the best, not just the most productive, me I can be. I'm going to focus on having healthy relationships with myself, and all those around me. Promise.

Happiness is only real when shared.



*This is probably the most honest blog I've ever written. It contains many personal details of my life. Please respect the fact that I am willing to share it with you. 

Even Celebrities Need Humility

Tonight, I feel empty inside. I'm not broken, but I'm longing. I feel unsatisfied and unfulfilled.

Call me dramatic, but tonight, I watched the last episode of Gossip Girl ever and I finished the Great Gatsby. There is something about characters that lead rich and extravagant lives that entices us, draws us in, and makes us long to be a part of  their world.

I cannot help but find parallels between my personal life and the lives of the outsiders clawing their way in. Dan Humphrey, Gossip Girl's own lonely boy from Brooklyn, and Nick Carraway, Gatsby's curious neighbor, were not that different from each other...and not that different from me.

In high school, I was pretty odd. I designed my own clothes and had a quirky personality. I said things for shock value and I wanted to save the world. I guess I've become a little more "mainstream" since then.

I was never popular, but I've always been friends with popular people. I was everyone's favorite outsider.

When I came to college, I began to find myself. A year ago, I thought I had everything figured out, but little did I know, my journey had just begun. I had thought that one semester shaped me into the person I was meant to be, but I was only just getting started.

Second semester of my freshman year, I exploded. I got real involved real quick and I began meeting tons of people. The funny thing is that once you meet tons of people, you will always be meeting tons of people. You get a core group of friends who then introduce you to their group of friends and so on and so forth.

This fall, something odd began happening. I would see people, or rather people would see me. Strangers began knowing who I am and who I was friends with. Once in September, a friend introduced me to someone and she said, "I know exactly who you are."

Wow. I make jokes about being a celebrity, but when people started knowing me and noticing me, it shocked me. It still shocks me.

I had stepped up my game through fashion—reserving my peasant clothes to after-hours library sessions. I worked my networking skills. I even landed myself an internship that is a stepping stone to my dreams.

And last week, someone looked at me and said, "I want your life. Your life is perfect."

Um, what?

Somehow, somewhere along the way, I have made people think that I am the person worth knowing. I played the role of the coming-of-age misfit to social butterfly all too easily.

That's exactly what it was, too—a role. I created a role for myself in which I was the shining star, much like Dan Humphrey did for himself. He wrote himself into their world to prove to them that he was worth being there, to trick them into thinking he already was.

When you're playing a role, you learn one truth—you can't play forever. It is a role because it is meant to be temporary. It will either envelop you or release you into who you were before. Too often it's the former.

Blame astrology or seasons or whatever you choose, but different identities are easy for some people to swap and to switch, day in and day out. Though swapping identities or living a dual life may not be necessarily wrong, it is exhausting.

It's tiring convincing people you're perfect, even if that's not really what you're trying to do. It's tiring to live up to who someone else expects you to be, no matter what it looks like. No one is single-faceted and we cannot allow people to depict us like that.

You know what? I am a fashion blogger. I talk A LOT. I am dying to own a pair of Louboutin shoes. I like Lilly Pulitzer. Dancing gives me freedom. Bacon makes me smile. I could post memes of Gossip Girl all day long. I can quote every line of Mean Girls.  I love my sorority. ElleWoods inspires me.

You know what else? I acknowledge that I am nothing without Christ. I have high aspirations for myself which include law school. I love meeting new people, and taking time to just get to know them. I plan on being at least tri-lingual one day. I've been writing since elementary school. Late nineties alternative bands like Third Eye Blind intrigue me. I make really unattractive facial expressions when I'm alone with my friends.

My brother once said to me, "You're better than you believe, but not as good as you think." He's right. I'm capable of so much more than I believe. I am a child of God, and a blessed one at that. However, I am not God's gift to the world (or even my university).

These words are true for you as well. No matter what your personal beliefs are, know you are worth something in life. Know you are capable of achieving great things, but know which things in life are lasting and which are fleeting. The approval of man won't last forever and it won't keep you whole.

Dan Humphrey may have gotten what he wanted in the end, but what did he have to sacrifice to get there? What do we sacrifice to achieve our dreams? What if we realized that achieving our dreams could mean something?

What if our dreams change? What if our dreams become someone else's dream and we are able to make a miracle happen?

With the impending holiday season, it doesn't seem right to act selfish and live our lives as if we reign inside our own world. How are we going to choose a role that means something this holiday season? How can we take the conflicting sides of who we are and morph them into a person with not only integrity, but power and passion?

This year, (given the world doesn't end on Friday) I'm going to take the superficial qualities I seem to possess and use them alongside my more practical qualities. My ability to make friends is so much more than a quest for new closets, but can be an opportunity to reach out to a variety of people that are broken.

I look at the world and what's happening, and I can't help but think all the superficiality, and most of the practicality, in our lives is futile. Children are being shot in their classrooms, people are starving, dying--everyday. Let the real reflection be what can we do with what we have? What can we give?

Let's be honest—we're all takers here.

Procrastination

Your tomorrow is defined by the choices you make today.

Like are you blogging right now when you could be studying for finals? Or Facebook creeping when you should be writing that paper? Discovering new GIFS instead of finishing your group project? Or just wasting time when you could be sleeping?

Part of me feels like I should be typing up an inspiration post about how procrastination only hurts you, but that'd be quite hypocritical of me, wouldn't it?

You already know that you shouldn't be reading this, that you should be doing something more productive. In a blur of highlighters, study guides, and notes that don't seem to make sense anymore, how are you going to focus?

Will you rely on caffeine, or self-prescribe Adderall? Maybe you're one of those rare people that makes good life choices, and you're going to get enough sleep this week and avoid social networks.

As for the rest of us, go ahead, creep a little, take a walk, make excuses. Do anything to get your brain flowing. Staring at the same page for thirty minutes isn't going to help you retain information any better, but then again, complaining isn't going to either.

I'm a big fan of making good habits now, but how do we even begin to do that? How do we make ourselves work hard before we play hard?

What are your tips and tricks for studying? How do you stay focused when everything else is screaming for your attention?

Baby, It's Cold Outside

There's a really obnoxious Taylor Swift song that says, "I don't know what I want so don't ask me; I'm still trying to figure it out."

And there is my entire college experience summed up in one line of a terrible pop song.

Last night, I was running errands with a good friend of mine. On our way back to the dorms, we were all discussing what kind of relationships we wanted. We both decided that right now, at this point in our lives, we're not really sure if we want any sort of relationship...or maybe we do.

Maybe it's the eggnog, or the romantic plots in every Christmas movies, but everyone gets lonely when it's cold outside. Not an annoying, I-just-need-someone-to-love-me lonely. It's not desperate or even that depressing, but there becomes a longing in all of us.

College kids everywhere are acknowledging "cuddle weather." Everyone I've talked to lately wants a warm body in their bed, not necessarily sexually, just having someone there. There's less to do, and everyone just wants to stay in, but no one wants to do it alone. The paradox is, though, how are we going to be who we need to be if we refuse to be by ourselves?

This winter, I'm fighting cuddle weather. I'm done wasting my time, energy, and efforts. Sure, I'll bake cookies and watch Netflix, but I'll do them alone. Not because I'm an "I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T" woman or I hate men, I just love myself.

Wednesday night when I was trying to make a decision, a friend asked me, what would the man of your dreams do? Because the thing is, it's not about changing to be ready for the person you're going to be with, but becoming the person you want to be when you're in a relationship.

What does your final destination look like? Who do you want to be when you're at that point in your life? Allow yourself to become that person.

Love yourself first.

My senior year of high school, I wrote a blog about filling empty spaces and what that leads to. Read it here

Me, Whatever that Implies

Two weeks ago, a friend said to me, "oh, are you really religious or something? I never would have guessed that."

Ouch. Needless to say, I've been feeling a little bit convicted.
 
This semester, I've been distracted. Distracted from what is really important to me and who I really am. I've barely been to church. I've barely seen some of the most inspirational people in my life. I've barely written. I've barely made time to call either of my brothers. I haven't visited home.

This weekend is my half-birthday. I'm almost twenty. I guess this makes me an adult, and I guess I should start living like it.

Thanksgiving break was a sort of "Come to Jesus" time for me, both literally and figuratively. Being outside the city for five days, away from the daily grind really helped put things into perspective for me.
Lately, my life has reminded me of that Toby Mac song, "I don't want to gain the whole world and lose my soul." Sure, I didn't gain the world. I've gained many friends, experiences, and bad habits though.

I'm tired of waiting for my life to begin. I'm tired of diets that start "tomorrow." I'm tired of planning to go to church, but then being too tired. I'm tired of my own excuses.

"This is your life. Are you who you wanna be? Is it everything that you dreamed that it would be then the world was younger and you had everything to lose?"

Is it? I know my life isn't. Or at least, it hasn't been. This week I've already started changing. I've been working out, reading my bible, and saying no.

I can't live my life based on a fear of missing out. That's not really living. That's not choosing yes because I'm not choosing. I'm letting fear choose.

And now, I'm letting go. I'm letting go of the people and the things that hold me back from being who I want to be, who I can be, who I will be.

Life's too short, brah.

One Person

They say it only takes one person can change your life.

My freshman year, I had an interesting English 101 teacher, Ruth Sundberg. Ruth was in her '70s and crazy as a bat. She was obsessed with the symphony, and once I convinced her that if we went to the symphony, we should get extra credit. Oh, mind you, this was a 9AM on MWF, so naturally, we had to find some way to make it fun.

One day after class, I was in the Commons getting sushi and minding my own business and some girl whose name I couldn't pronounce (yes, it was Sabiha Arna) jumps in front of me and asks me to go the symphony with her. Hesistantly, I say yes, I mean, I wanted the extra credit and why not make a friend?

We went to the symphony together, and then we pretty much became best friends (which had nothing to do with the fact that she cut her bangs to look like my bangs). We started getting Starbucks before class, and then we began to make other friends in the class, one of which was named Meaghan Wall.

We may have bonded over lattes and boys, but somewhere along the line, something else happened. When I found out Meaghan was in a sorority, I told her I wished I had went through recruitment. She ended up inviting me to hang out with some of her sisters, and in due time, I became a Delta Gamma.

Around this same time, Sabiha had invited me to go on a leadership retreat with Circle K International, a collegiate service organization. It was then that I met Ali Massoud.

A year later, I'm now Vice President of Circle K, and Sabiha is President. She and I have been through hell and back in our friendship, but somewhere along the way, we realized that some things are meant to last forever. The hardest things can be the best things, if you want them to be.

Ali has become one of my very best friends, and no matter how conceited he pretends to be, I know he loves me to the world and back, and at the end of the day, we are eachother's family. And if it weren't for Ali, I never would have met my diva twin, Ranjani Ponnazhagan (yes, I had to look on Facebook to spell it right). I've only known her two months, but something tells me that if it there will be many more months to come.

Meaghan and I may not be as close as we were, but she will always be my sister and hold a very special place in my heart. And I can never repay her for introducing me to the greatest sisterhood I could be blessed to be a part of. Without this, I never would have met my wonderful Big, Dianne Lee. Or my amazing littles, Grace Eagleson and Christen Carver. These are the girls who teach me what it means to be loved, every single day. Every single member of Zeta Xi has changed my life, and brightens my day, everyday.

Some (not all, I have many wonderful friends outside of those mentioned here) of the most important people in my life are there because of one crazy old lady. When someone told me I'd meet people in college that would change my life, I didn't know those relationships would come from a dusty classroom in the Humanties building. The chain of relationships don't end here, but these few people walked in and changed my life in an irrevocable way, and they are doing so everyday. I'm not going to turn this into a love letter because Lord knows most of you don't emote.

I just want to thank Ruth, though. Thank you, Ruth for allowing me to be myself and embracing my crazy. Also, thank you for allowing me to extend deadlines, get extra credit, and occasionally call off class, if only all my teachers let me make up the rules like that. Unfortunately, the real world wasn't like your English class, but now I have amazing people to help me through it.

America is Good Enough

Today, I'm fighting back tears. I look at the United States and I am wonder what things will look like in four years. I'm terrified for our country.

I don't really care that Obama got re-elected. I don't really care if you're a Republican, Democrat, or a Communist. We're in deep trouble.

I have debt. I am not proud of my debt, but I am glad that the country I live in has given me an opportunity to go to school despite economic hardships.

Most college students have acculumated some credit card debt as well. Unfortunately, I am not exempt from this. I have some credit card debt. Approximately forty dollars, yes only forty. Why? Because my parents taught me to never spend money I don't have.

However, when I came to college, I discovered what it meant to invest. I "invested" twelve dollars into a lip pencil. My initial payment didn't go through, and I ended up being charge sixty-five dollars for a lip pencil. Interest really sneaks up on you.

The United States has trillions of dollars in debt. The interest still acculumating is three trillion dollars. If the sixteen trillion dollar deficit was divided evenly throughout the American citizens, we would each be responsible for about 51,000 dollars. That's higher than the median income listed for individual Americans in the 2010 census. It has gotten to a point where we don't even care because the number is so beyond us that a few hundred thousand dollars here and there is barely going to matter.
What about us? How are we going to begin to support our economy? How are we going to man up and stop relying on China to give us what we need? What can we do as counties and states in America to do our part in helping?

There is literally nothing I can do about how Barack Obama and his administration choose to spend my money. I could write letters all day, but I have to have hope in the people I (or in this case, America's people) elected. 

I am challenging myself and everyone who reads this to invest locally. Buy local produce from a farmer's market. Buy clothing and objects not made in China. Investments need to be more than just financial, though.

We need to invest in our local talent. We need to express interest in the art and education in those in our area, especially the young people. We need to take time to volunteer at elementary schools, helping kids learn to read. (Two-thirds of America’s children living in poverty have no books at home).

It is not going to be easy. It is not going to be cheap. I'm not asking you to buy absolutely everything locally because I understand that is expensive and not always feasible. But what if, this one time, you decided to spend ten dollars more on that American made product?

I believe that America is worthy of it. I believe that American products are good enough. I believe that my father, a local business owner, is good enough. I believe that the clothing I can buy at a local boutique is good enough.

The rest of the world doesn't give us the respect we deserve because we don't seem to respect ourselves. We claim to be the greatest nation in the world and then we buy all our products abroad. We are being supported by a country that does not share our values, at all.

My friends always make fun of me for using the phrase, "what is my life?" Right now, though, I am not asking that. I'm not even asking "what is my country?" but rather what can my country be?

The Refuge You Built to Flee

I hate winter.

Just because I grew up in Chicago does not mean I enjoy enduring cold months. It's terrible here. There's nothing to do and it gives you too much time to think.

Too much thinking is bad. You can lie in bed, drink cocoa, and long for something, anything. Maybe not a person, but at least an idea. An idea of "I could be better," "something's missing," or even "I should have done that."
These thoughts are detrimental to our mental health. They pull up insecurities from the past and shout until we're willing to listen. They make you feel like you're the fat kid in middle school phys ed. Or the kid who stutters during reading class.

Sometimes, though, you have to get out of bed, pull yourself together, and keep living. This is not to say that you should live behind a facade because that never seems to accomplish anything, now does it?

It's funny how society tells us how we can reach a point and then we'll be happy. If only we were prettier, if only we were smarter, if only we had more friends or a better job, then we would be happy. But we won't be..

Those aches will only linger, growing stronger, begging you to give everything...until there's nothing left for you to give.

It's funny how the weather can change everything.

Why are you here?

"Every time you say yes to something, you're saying no to something else."
When I first came to college, my older brother would tell this to me every time we talked. He warned, do everything you want, just don't do to much...I didn't listen.

I've become addicted to being busy, to having new experiences, and making new friends. However, when one decides to take this road in life, it is very easy to get your priorities mixed up. I know I did.

Last week, there was an alcohol education session and the speaker asked one simple question at the beginning and the end of the program--Why are you here?

Why are we here? What are we doing? Why are we doing it? I'm not sitting here trying to ponder the meaning of life, but to take a minute to seriously ask myself, what do I want out of life? Five years from now, ten years from now, what do I want my life to look like? More importantly, how can I get there, and what habits do I need to form or break to get there?


Is my college experience going to be about the parties I went to? Or the abundance of organizations I joined? Is it going to be about the outfits I rocked? Is it going to be about the grades I got? The choices I made? The times I had to decide which organization was more important?

College is about finding yourself, but at the same time, you are supposed to be shaping the person you want to be for the rest of your life. A professor told my brother when he was in college that the habits he developed there would be with him for the rest of his life.

I'm not saying that we can't be silly, or go out with our friends, or mess up every now and again. I'm saying, how can we help ourselves become the people we were meant to be? How can we go from being the people we are now to the people we want to be?

I have a great life. I work hard, but I also take some time to realize, some time for myself.

If you can create and keep a balance, your life will be much different, much better. College isn't just about creating a great resume, but becoming a well-rounded person. Do you want to write? To paint? To travel? To workout? Maybe you want to be funnier, or you want to learn piano. Now is the time to do that.

There's a million cliches people use about the importance of seizing the day and living life to the fullest, but you have to take a minute to ask yourself, "what do I want? Why am I here?"

To take full advantage of life, you have to give yourself to something, and you can't give yourself to everything. It becomes deeper than "what do I want," and instead becomes, "what do I want more."

 You may have to lose sleep, make difficult compromises, and learn some things the hard ways, but sometimes that's the only way to realize what we really love and what we just love the idea of.

Love Yourself.

Having confidence hasn't been too hard for me. Sure, we all have our insecurities, but I'm a big fan of fake it until you make it. Sometimes, we fake it so hard that we don't even know who we are anymore, though. One Dashboard Confessional song states, "You can't fake it hard enough to please everyone, or anyone at all. The refuge that you build to flee the places that you've come to fear the most in the place that you have come to fear the most." It's a beautiful and very truthful song. What happens when faking it just doesn't cut it anymore?

This spring, I was on a downward spiral and nobody knew. I didn't even know. As I drew away from God and from my family, I began to create a little world for myself. I became driven by success and wanted nothing more than to be the best me I could be. Which doesn't sound bad...

But for me? It was terrible. I ended up driving myself to many sleepless nights trying to be something that I couldn't be-- perfect. I wanted to be the perfect student, the perfect friend, and the perfect sorority girl.

The thing is, though, perfect doesn't exist, and when you try to be the best at many things, you end up falling short in almost every situation. My GPA actually lowered and I lost touch with many people. I stopped sleeping very much, three hours a night tops, and I had some freak outs when I couldn't get everything done.

This summer, I have gotten a good night's sleep most nights, I have drank a lot of green tea, and I have even lost ten pounds. I've been making time to read while working full time. I don't drink excessive amounts of caffeine and I feel and look ten times better.

Many anti-dating-abuse campaigns talk about how love is respect. Self-love is self-respect. To fully love yourself, you have to respect yourself. To everyone entering college, and to those at all stages of lives, make sure you take care of you first...Slacking will only hinder you and make you grumpy, promise~

Home?

Home is not a state. I don't really know whether or not to consider Alabama or Illinois as my home state. Home is not a city. I don't really claim Waterman. I don't really claim Florence. It seems a little early to call Birmingham home. I don't feel as comfortable as I once did in Florence, so home is definitely not where your family is. I think Birmingham is slowly becoming my home, but right now I can't be there. In a sense, I feel homeless. 

I suppose, though, home is whatever we want it to be. It can be a place or a feeling or a person. It's anything we want to lay claims on. What does home mean to you? 

Counting Calories

This summer, I started using a calorie-counting app for the first time ever. I'm not trying to do some sort of extreme dieting, but I'd like to know what I'm putting into my body. My parents have told me, "Marissa, you're being ridiculous. You're beautiful the way you are." I can't help but wonder if my parents are completely oblivious to the Freshman Fifteen (or, twenty, or well, more).


To me, calorie counting is not about physicality. I count calories because I want to have control over my life. I want to be aware of what I do and how to stop it. Everyone knows that the first step to overcoming a weakness is admitting it. It is not until we admit a problem and lay it out on the table that we are able to take steps towards fixing them.

I am always writing about bettering myself and bettering the world, but these messages do not mean anything if people don't understand how to act them our practically. If we take the time to write down our problems and acknowledge them, we are given a starting point. From there, we can decide to change and start imposing little changes to improve our everyday lives.

What is something that you can improve? What can you start monitoring to change it? Leave me a comment with your thoughts!

YOLO

Many people walk through life thinking that people don't change. If growing up has taught me anything, it is that people do change. Absolutely everyone changes when put in different circumstances. Some for the better, some for the worst, but everyone changes.

In high school, everyone had a set identity. You were defined by what your peers thought you were, whether or not it was actually true. In college, you are given the opportunity to create your own identity. 

I blossomed in college. I jumped headfirst into everything I thought was remotely interested. I became friends with a variety of different people, and joined a variety of different organizations. I tried, and I cried. But I lived, and for once created a life for myself.

The majority of people I graduated with are now living the same life as they were a year ago. They have the same friends, they still live with their parents, and they are going to a local college. There isn't anything wrong with experiencing what I like to call "13th grade," but these people are missing out. Everyday, though, they are given a choice to change their lives and they can either take it or leave it.

When you decide to take the opportunity, you will change, but only because you chose to. 

Look at your life. Are you living the life of your dreams? Are you living a life that means something? Not just academically or professionally, but morally and spiritually as well. 

I had lunch with some old friends today, and we talked about the obnoxious trend of "YOLO" meaning you-only-live-once. Somehow, it's become a catchphrase used to justify any questionable behavior. Honestly, though, you do only live once. If you only live once, though, how do you want to live?

Do you want to live chasing your dreams? Chasing boys? Chasing alcohol? Chasing money? Chasing God? 

Most of what we chase isn't wrong, but much of it is futile. Today I agreed with these friends, that this summer we would chase the right things. We will chase God, but we will also chase adventure. We won't live in fear of missing out, but we won't live in fear of failure either. This summer, we're going to take YOLO and live by it. We're going to live lives that we won't regret living. We're going to spend time with our families, and go on silly road trips. We're going to have daily devotions, and dance like hooligans on my birthday. 

No matter who you are or what you believe, you only live once (except if it's reincarnation, then you can just kind of ignore this whole YOLO thing). How do you want to live? 




*photo was found on "ghettoredhot" via Google Images

Just See the Things I'll Never Get a Chance To See

It's not that I have low self-esteem. It's not that I am full of conceit. I just hold myself to an impossibly high standard. I hold those around me to the same standard. And I've realized that isn't fair.

All my life, I've been really into self-improvement. I've read those really awkward books in bookstores. I've researched. I've cleansed, emotionally, and physically. I like to wean myself off of things for seemingly no reason.

The thing is, though, it is impossible to be the person I want to be, the person I continuously strive to be. No one is or can be perfect. But I still try. And honestly? Trying has led me into a lifestyle in which I look on myself with disdain. I look on myself with a distorted form of low pride.

Growing up, I was pretty awesome. Not in an obvious way, but because I was so interested in everything. I was nice, but quirky. I did theater, I designed my own clothes, and I was even an advocate for just about every human rights issue.

It was then that I was most passionate. It was obvious to everyone I met in life that I wanted things. I knew where my life was going. I knew what I wanted.

The funny thing is that it seems that the more we grow up, the looser the grip on our lives become. Or at least that's when we begin to realize we never really had control.

When I came to college, I stopped wanting and started doing. I stopped acting as a dreamer and started mapping out of my life. I was so proud of myself for that. I was so proud that I wasn't just sitting around writing blogs about how I wanted to live my life, but actually living it that way. I started giving myself the life I had always wanted.

"Mary's in India" by Dido is a song that talks about how, though Mary is travelling the world, doing things the singer doesn't get to do, that Mary is still missing out. I can't say this doesn't resonate with me. I'm in another city, working towards my dreams, but I'm still missing out so much.

My little brother is almost ten. My sister just graduated college. My older brother is about to have a baby. I think that oftentimes, we forget that as we move, everyone else moves as well.

Moving out was the greatest thing I ever did for myself. BUT it dramatically changed who I was. I now see the world in a different way, a different life, and all these changes aren't necessarily negative, but they can be.

I've been so into bettering myself that I've almost forgotten what that has meant.

Going Home...Again

Who says you can't go back? I've been all around the world and as a matter of fact, there's only only place left I want to go. Who says you can't go home?


Well, me. That's who, Bon Jovi. I say you can't go home. Or at least I can't. In three days, I'm going home. I'm walking straight back into my old life. I'll have to move back in with my parents. I'll have to abide by their rules. I'll have to clean the pool. I'll have to babysit. It's not exactly what I've been used to.

The last nine months of my life have been incredible. I grew up faster than I ever could have imagined. I've lived by myself, financed my life, and let go of everything I have ever known. As I turn nineteen and complete my freshman year, I can actually say I feel like an adult, or like I am slowly becoming one.

In high school, I was weird. Not in a negative, "I-eat-lunch-by-myself-because-I-have-no-friends" kind of way. I was just a little loud, and a lot crazy. The funny thing about college is that everyone is crazy.

My ideas of spontaneous road trips and cartwheels at midnight became realities in college. I found people who went along with my silly ideas and loved them. I used to think that I needed people in my life to bring me back to Earth, but really, I needed people in my life to show me that there was a whole universe out there.

Life is constantly moving, constantly changing, and you have to be willing to move with it, or you won't ever leave. You won't ever gravitate if you won't get your feet off the ground.

Another thing I've learned this year is that home doesn't have to be your hometown. It doesn't have to be your biological family. Heck, it doesn't even have to be the same place forever. Honestly, I'm having the hardest time accepting the fact that I will be away from this life for three months. I hate that everything I've worked so hard for won't exist for an entire summer.

The beauty of this mentality, though, is that you can't be drug down by anything or anyone. When you realize that everything is temporary, everything is futile, you are finally free. People and places won't be in your life forever, and that's okay.

I've spent a lot of time in my life crying over what could have been, whether it be a boy, a best friend, or even a dream school. The crazy thing is, though, that I'm okay.

I'm okay without the people I thought I needed. I'm okay at a school that I thought I'd never go to. I'm okay knowing that my life doesn't have to be perfect. I'm okay knowing that I'll do better next time. I'm okay trusting that God's plan is so much greater than mine.

Knowing that I'm okay on my own makes it so hard to go home. It makes it so hard to be still. It makes it so hard to stop moving forward.

Don't get me wrong-- I love my family. They're amazing people. They love me, but they've loved me from a distance for almost a year and I've survived. However, the people I've lived with the past year? How can I be away from them for three months?

The most freeing and depressing realization, though, is that there is not one thing or person in our lives that we can live without.

Like Jewel said, "If I could tell the world just one thing, it'd be 'you're all okay.'"

DO something.

I have a million and five opinion about politics, our country, and today's primary, but you don't really care about that. And honestly? I don't care about your opinion either.

Not to be rude, but everyone knows it is true.

My advice?
1) Stop complaining.
2) Educate yourself.
3) Vote.

Voila...Change occurs. Your voice means something, just not on Facebook.

*if you're not registered to vote, do so today!

My Life is a Cliché, in the Very Best Way

In the summer, I wrote a blog about the possibility of going through Panhellenic recruitment. (Read it here.) Strangely, I chose not to go through recruitment. Since writing that article, much of my mentality towards the Greek system has changed: I no longer despise fraternity guys' apparel choices. (Hey, how can you not love that adorable little whale VV has?) I'm yet to meet a sorority girl who prides herself on acting vengeful towards her sisters. Most of the girls I know aren't even blonde! (Sorry for that shocker, but someone had to say it.) I don't believe that there is even a specific way to classify many Panhellenic systems. The movies don't even get close...

Last week, I was initiated into Delta Gamma.  After going through informal recruitment in November, I had been waiting for initiation. It was the moment at which what I've seen and worked for all semester would actually mean something. It became not just something I hoped for, but something that would become a part of my entire life, for the rest of my life. This sorority has transformed me. It has shown me what it means to be a part of and represent something greater than myself. I've seen bits of what sisterhood means, and I'm so ready to experience it to the fullest.

Initially, I was skeptical about the whole sorority experience. I'm not a cookie-cutter, but my sisters don't expect me to be. I'm a multi-faceted person and any interest I have, I can find a sister who shares that interest. But I'm not going to give you a schpeel about how great a sorority is because any sorority girl can tell you that. You can Google sororities national websites and see the professions of love for their sisters. These girls can tell you the logistics and what it seems like, but they can't tell you how it'll make you feel.

Delta Gamma makes me want to be a better person. Everywhere I look, I see my sisters running exec positions, volunteering, and serving on USGA. They're applying to medical school and speaking at conventions. I want to work harder for these girls. I want their legacies to mean something. I want the best for myself because I want the best for DG. I want people to look at my sisters, and see classy, smart, beautiful individuals who are accomplishing their dreams. I want people to see me and think, "Oh, she's a Delta Gee? Then that makes sense." Our unity is not because we're trying to fit into some stereotype of what we think we should look like or act like, but because we have the same goal: do something more, with ourselves, our school, and the world.

It isn't something that's forced. It can't be. What separates a sisterhood from a sorority is that the former is genuine. I didn't think I could actually grow to unconditionally love fifty other people. I didn't think that someone chosen as my "big sis" could really be my go-to gal. I didn't think that my sisters would be there for more than just kicks and giggles.

Boy, was I wrong.

I can honestly say that I absolutely love each and every one of my sisters 110%. They are some of the most devoted, motivated, and encouraging people I have ever met in my entire life. Never before have I been a part of something where I felt so welcomed. My whole life I've felt like people have "tolerated" me, but my sisters? They don't just tolerate my quirkiness; they embrace it.

My big? I cannot use words to describe her without sounding like a crazy, lesbian, stalker. Two days after I received my bid, I was was about to leave for my first sorority function and I was unnecessarily nervous but I remember seeing this girl I kind of recognized. She said hi to me, and gave me her number so I wouldn't have to walk to the suite alone. From then, she really started to reach out to me. She'd invite me to parties and lunch and to just hang out. Sometime in January, we started hanging out... a lot. We'd spend hours talking about everything and nothing at all. We'd talk about boys, shopping, theater, the sorority, but what we really bonded over was our love for Papa John's pizza. A month later, Big/Little Reveal didn't leave me disappointed. When I hate the world, she's there. When I want to watch Gossip Girl on a Friday night, she's there. When I need to talk, she's there. When I need to forget, she's there. Somehow, she always know which one is necessary, even before I do. She's a dreamer, but in all the best ways. She's a quiet leader, but she's fierce. She's so many things, but my favorite one is "Big." I could go on forever, but that nobody really cares about those little details.

But that's the best part.

My experiences may not mean anything to you. They're unique. They're special. They're perfect...because they're mine. And yours are perfect because they are yours. I know this sounds unnecessarily fufu cliche, but I believe it with every fiber of my being.

Maybe someone will read this and decide to join a sorority, maybe not. Sure, Greek life isn't for everyone, but it's important to keep your mind open, especially in college. My hope is that you are able to find somewhere in life what I've found in Delta Gamma. An organization that inspires you to be your best, and gives you the tools to do that.

My prayer is that you seek the best for yourself, each and every day, realizing that there are things bigger than yourself in this world. Whether you're inspired by Mary Comfort Leonard, George Washington, or even Madonna, make your life mean something.

To Be Amazing, You Have to Be Amazing

Lately, I have been telling everyone that I'm learning that "to be amazing, you have to be amazing." The reason people who are extraordinary are extraordinary is because they have made themselves that way. One simply cannot be the best if he is acting like all the rest.

All my life, I have been above average. I'm fairly smart, kinda pretty, and generally well-rounded. My parents told me I was special, and individually, yes, but inside society? Not quite, and when college applications rolled around, I had a rude awakening.

For a year, I have had some serious internal struggles going on in relation to my academic success, or lack of it. When my dream school offered me zero financial aid and denied me into the program that had won my heart, I broke. I loathed. I didn't want to face the failure I had believed that I was.

To counteract this, I have worked my butt off this year. I'm VERY involved on campus. I got a 4.0 last semester. I'm going on a mission trip. I work closely to important people within my specified college and major. I've made a name and a life for myself here...and I love it.

Right now, I think I'm dying. Okay, maybe not dying, but I feel quite terrible. My throat aches, my chest pains, and my eyes can barely stay open. Unfortunately, I have three tests tomorrow, and I'm done taking the easy way out.

I'm done with the excuses, and even the reasons. I'm tired of people looking at me and being proud of me for doing something I should be doing already. I want to make people proud because I've done something extraordinary. I want to make a mark on this world...academically, socially, politically.

Maybe I'm selfish, but I want to go far in this world. I don't want fame, but a sense of immortality created by those who knew me. And I'm wanting the world to know me.

So world, my challenge to you is to be amazing. Go above and beyond. Distinguish yourself. Do something worth remembering, whatever that may be. Don't run yourself dry, but never, never, never stop running because even if you don't make it to the finish line, someone else will be there to claim the prize.

The Brilliant Dance

All my life I have found it easy to encourage, to inspire, to ignite. All my life, I have found out that for some crazy reason, I know what to say and how to say it. I know how to make people breathe and I know how to make people think. I know how to shout and how to whisper. I know how to be heard.

The past six months have been a whirlwind for me. I started college and I changed, dramatically. Honestly,  I barely know the girl who walked into Camp Hall in August. I started becoming the person I had always wanted to be. Somewhere in making my dreams come true, I abandoned the one thing that made me breathe, the one thing that made me feel. I stopped writing. And somehow not writing turned into not having passion. I stopped wanting things because I was slowly obtaining everything I had thought I wanted.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not lazy, but I am a procrastinator. And lately, I've procrastinated passion. I've been so concerned with being busy and being someone that I haven't made time to be me. Sure, life takes dedication. It takes, not only, ambition, but drive as well to achieve your dreams, but you cannot lose yourself in that.

God willing, I will be a politician one day. Politicians and college kids have a lot in common. They start off with one goal, usually idealistic, and somewhere, somehow, it all goes wrong. They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Say it ain't so. 

During midterms last semester, I called my brother upset because I hated my Spanish class. I hated Spanish because I was struggling at something I used to be great at. He told me that no skill that you used to have matters. No one cares that you used to know Spanish. No one cares if you used to be a good person. No one cares if you used to get good grades. They care who you are know and who you are trying to be.

No one cares that I used to be a good writer. I can't put that on my resume. I can't get into law school with an annotation that says "I swear I can write better; I just need to find myself again." No one cares what a politician enters the game as. No one cares that he or she claims to believe in something. The public barely sees their platforms, but their actions instead.

I don't want to be a face without substance. I don't want to be a politician without a stance. 

...I want to be a person of integrity, who believes, cries, and yearns for things. I want to be a passionate writer who cannot stop, who will not stop.

I want to be me. And I write.