It's not that I have low self-esteem. It's not that I am full of conceit. I just hold myself to an impossibly high standard. I hold those around me to the same standard. And I've realized that isn't fair.
All my life, I've been really into self-improvement. I've read those really awkward books in bookstores. I've researched. I've cleansed, emotionally, and physically. I like to wean myself off of things for seemingly no reason.
The thing is, though, it is impossible to be the person I want to be, the person I continuously strive to be. No one is or can be perfect. But I still try. And honestly? Trying has led me into a lifestyle in which I look on myself with disdain. I look on myself with a distorted form of low pride.
Growing up, I was pretty awesome. Not in an obvious way, but because I was so interested in everything. I was nice, but quirky. I did theater, I designed my own clothes, and I was even an advocate for just about every human rights issue.
It was then that I was most passionate. It was obvious to everyone I met in life that I wanted things. I knew where my life was going. I knew what I wanted.
The funny thing is that it seems that the more we grow up, the looser the grip on our lives become. Or at least that's when we begin to realize we never really had control.
When I came to college, I stopped wanting and started doing. I stopped acting as a dreamer and started mapping out of my life. I was so proud of myself for that. I was so proud that I wasn't just sitting around writing blogs about how I wanted to live my life, but actually living it that way. I started giving myself the life I had always wanted.
"Mary's in India" by Dido is a song that talks about how, though Mary is travelling the world, doing things the singer doesn't get to do, that Mary is still missing out. I can't say this doesn't resonate with me. I'm in another city, working towards my dreams, but I'm still missing out so much.
My little brother is almost ten. My sister just graduated college. My older brother is about to have a baby. I think that oftentimes, we forget that as we move, everyone else moves as well.
Moving out was the greatest thing I ever did for myself. BUT it dramatically changed who I was. I now see the world in a different way, a different life, and all these changes aren't necessarily negative, but they can be.
I've been so into bettering myself that I've almost forgotten what that has meant.
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