I'm starting to feel really proud of myself, for starting things. The only problem is that starting something means nothing unless you're willing to finish it. I am the world champion at beginning things I never accomplish. I have always viewed it as such a weak point. Is it that I simply do not have the willpower? Or that I am not ambitious enough?
Sometimes these insecurities haunt us. That's another tough spot though, how do you know when to change the flaw or accept it? Where do we find that line? Everyone tells you to be proud of your body, not insecure, but when do we reach they point where we should stop crying and make a change? I guess that's another line left up to us to decide.
I sometimes question if life would be easier if every year on your birthday you received a manual discussing all the problems that would occur in the next year, and specific advice on how to deal with them. Every time I think this, I must take it a step farther and open my eyes. We were given that book. The Bible discussing any corruption we could possibly come across, but we try so hard to avoid it's teachings. We believe that we, sinners, can accomplish more on our own than our king, and creator ever could. When I put it that way, it sounds kind of ridiculous, doesn't it?
May 3, 2009
May 1, 2009
Help!
Things are revealed to us in the most unexpected ways, aren't they? For the past few months, I have been sitting on my butt wondering hour after hour, what was I going to do with myself this summer. I looked for absolutely every opportunity I could have accepted. First, I wanted to go to a ritzy acting camp, then there was singing lessons, then early scholar classes and of course, various plays. Crazy enough, none of my ideas went as planned. I figured well, I'll just have to get a job like every other high schooler, but I feared that. I feared normality.
About a month ago, while talking to my brother about desiring to be busy this summer, he suggested to me a mission trip. I told him I'd look into it, but honestly, I didn't take him seriously. Yes, I loved God, but my own selfishness was in the way. A week later, I did look up those mission trips he was referring to, and knew it was time.
I'm asking for help, but until I help others, I can't help myself.
I can't just keep saying I want to make the world a better place. I can't just keep planning for the future. I have to think about right now. What if I die tomorrow? Would I want to be remembered as the girl who didn't want to save the world until it was convenient? I took some time to really think and pray about it and I realized this was what I wanted.
My brother told me he could see a desire in me to help others, and he's right, that desire is here. It is streaming through every one of my veins. It is shouting, don't wait any longer. With every heart beat, I know what I have to do. God puts passions into our heart for a reason, does He not? If you don't use it, you lose it, right?
About a month ago, while talking to my brother about desiring to be busy this summer, he suggested to me a mission trip. I told him I'd look into it, but honestly, I didn't take him seriously. Yes, I loved God, but my own selfishness was in the way. A week later, I did look up those mission trips he was referring to, and knew it was time.
I'm asking for help, but until I help others, I can't help myself.
I can't just keep saying I want to make the world a better place. I can't just keep planning for the future. I have to think about right now. What if I die tomorrow? Would I want to be remembered as the girl who didn't want to save the world until it was convenient? I took some time to really think and pray about it and I realized this was what I wanted.
My brother told me he could see a desire in me to help others, and he's right, that desire is here. It is streaming through every one of my veins. It is shouting, don't wait any longer. With every heart beat, I know what I have to do. God puts passions into our heart for a reason, does He not? If you don't use it, you lose it, right?
April 27, 2009
Spin Me and See Where I Go
I feel almost guilty for not blogging for such an immense amount of time. For a bit of that time, I was insanely busy, but not too busy. I had turned my writing over to myself. I have been keeping my journal and letting it be for only my eyes. I guess the safety kept me there.
I tried to give up my love of acting, but I couldn't. I couldn't allow myself to step away from something that held my heart. Yesterday, I saw a bunch of my actor friends in a play, I wanted nothing more than to be apart of it. Seeing shows fills me with such a desire I cannot place. Passion lies in many places in my life, but nothing compares with the surge I feel when I'm involved with theater. I have decided that for me to truly be happy, I will have to stay within my talents.
Actually, I think it's important for everyone to be constantly involved with things they are good at and they enjoy. It helps remind us that we are good for something in this world. It brings a light to hide the darkness of insecurities and a certain peace that can only be accomplished through embracing one's passions.
I've decided that though, I am very blessed, I am inevitably, nothing. Not meaning to say I am useless, because indeed I am not. Rather, I'm just an ordinary person, nothing extraordinary, though we all have the willpower to make that happen, that's besides the point. I decided to audition for a musical this weekend. Well, that is if I'm not going on a trip this summer.
I really REALLY r e a l l y cannot sing, so the fact that I'm auditioning for a musical is pretty dumb. I love to act, like everything, but I feel as if there's no point in trying to act if you cannot sing or dance. It's truly a shame because most actors also have those talents, but not me. No siree, it must be a recessive gene or something. I do like to sing though, actually, I am singing the majority of the time, but I cannot seem to grasp it. I'm begging Mom and Dad to let me take vocal lessons, but I doubt that'll ever happen.
When I was younger, it was always sad that I couldn't do sports. I was completely horrible at ALL sports. Every single one my parents put me in, I sucked at. Finally in late elementary school, my mother signed me up for acting camp and it was a dream come true for me. The attention was like nothing I had ever received before, the thrill from the lights, and the anticipation of the show was a joy I'd never quite felt before. Then I learned a harsh reality of show business, if you can't sing or dance, you shouldn't even try.
That broke my heart. I was in dance lesson after dance lesson hoping I would get it, but I never did. The truth of the matter is, I have no sense of beat. I think I may need to get my hearing tested because I simply cannot hear it. I start to think I can, but then I get way off track. I still would like to get back into dance and see where it could take me.
Maybe I will go places with acting, maybe I won't. I guess without shoving myself into every audition, I'll never know...
I tried to give up my love of acting, but I couldn't. I couldn't allow myself to step away from something that held my heart. Yesterday, I saw a bunch of my actor friends in a play, I wanted nothing more than to be apart of it. Seeing shows fills me with such a desire I cannot place. Passion lies in many places in my life, but nothing compares with the surge I feel when I'm involved with theater. I have decided that for me to truly be happy, I will have to stay within my talents.
Actually, I think it's important for everyone to be constantly involved with things they are good at and they enjoy. It helps remind us that we are good for something in this world. It brings a light to hide the darkness of insecurities and a certain peace that can only be accomplished through embracing one's passions.
I've decided that though, I am very blessed, I am inevitably, nothing. Not meaning to say I am useless, because indeed I am not. Rather, I'm just an ordinary person, nothing extraordinary, though we all have the willpower to make that happen, that's besides the point. I decided to audition for a musical this weekend. Well, that is if I'm not going on a trip this summer.
I really REALLY r e a l l y cannot sing, so the fact that I'm auditioning for a musical is pretty dumb. I love to act, like everything, but I feel as if there's no point in trying to act if you cannot sing or dance. It's truly a shame because most actors also have those talents, but not me. No siree, it must be a recessive gene or something. I do like to sing though, actually, I am singing the majority of the time, but I cannot seem to grasp it. I'm begging Mom and Dad to let me take vocal lessons, but I doubt that'll ever happen.
When I was younger, it was always sad that I couldn't do sports. I was completely horrible at ALL sports. Every single one my parents put me in, I sucked at. Finally in late elementary school, my mother signed me up for acting camp and it was a dream come true for me. The attention was like nothing I had ever received before, the thrill from the lights, and the anticipation of the show was a joy I'd never quite felt before. Then I learned a harsh reality of show business, if you can't sing or dance, you shouldn't even try.
That broke my heart. I was in dance lesson after dance lesson hoping I would get it, but I never did. The truth of the matter is, I have no sense of beat. I think I may need to get my hearing tested because I simply cannot hear it. I start to think I can, but then I get way off track. I still would like to get back into dance and see where it could take me.
Maybe I will go places with acting, maybe I won't. I guess without shoving myself into every audition, I'll never know...
February 11, 2009
I need you like water, like breathe, like rain.
There's comes a time when all we want is everything. I think I've reached that point. We become unsatisfied with our lives, trying desperately to make it "better." Do we need to fix our lives, or be content with what they offer? A mother only wants her child to have a better life, so is it bad for a child to pursue it?
Material things won't make us happy, but how wrong are they? Is it wrong to just want something convenient? To desire things that will give you better experiences or help you along the way? Now, it doesn't sound too bad, does it?
Deprivation, how can we determine it? We could simply state it as not getting the things you need, but let's take it a step further. What do you need? Food, water, shelter, Christ? Beyond that how to you determine what is a necessity and what is not? What is a cell phone, for example? Everyone has one (exception of me, at least for right now), but people got along for years and years without them, right? Guess we don't really need those. What about new clothes? Yeah, so we look poor in those holey jeans that are a little too tight. We don't NEED to buy new clothes then, do we? Is it a matter between life or death?
With the way things are today, it is hard to imagine what it's like to really fight for our life. We see the homeless everyday, but never take a minute to think what really happened. They have a story, just like the rest of us. Maybe one day, you will take a minute and listen. They are living a life far more unsafe then we really see. The last thing on their mind is the hottest cell phone, or the nicest clothes. They just want some food, or warmth. That's not to mention how unsafe it is. Think of being a child and your mother constantly caring where you go. Why did she do those things? To protect you from the world. Well, imagine living with the terrors of the world every day. Your mother was right, you can't trust the world.
Material things won't make us happy, but how wrong are they? Is it wrong to just want something convenient? To desire things that will give you better experiences or help you along the way? Now, it doesn't sound too bad, does it?
Deprivation, how can we determine it? We could simply state it as not getting the things you need, but let's take it a step further. What do you need? Food, water, shelter, Christ? Beyond that how to you determine what is a necessity and what is not? What is a cell phone, for example? Everyone has one (exception of me, at least for right now), but people got along for years and years without them, right? Guess we don't really need those. What about new clothes? Yeah, so we look poor in those holey jeans that are a little too tight. We don't NEED to buy new clothes then, do we? Is it a matter between life or death?
With the way things are today, it is hard to imagine what it's like to really fight for our life. We see the homeless everyday, but never take a minute to think what really happened. They have a story, just like the rest of us. Maybe one day, you will take a minute and listen. They are living a life far more unsafe then we really see. The last thing on their mind is the hottest cell phone, or the nicest clothes. They just want some food, or warmth. That's not to mention how unsafe it is. Think of being a child and your mother constantly caring where you go. Why did she do those things? To protect you from the world. Well, imagine living with the terrors of the world every day. Your mother was right, you can't trust the world.
February 8, 2009
Worst Week
I have just completed what may have been the longest week of my entire life. Monday night, my sister got in a tragic car accident, in which she sprained her wrist. Tuesday and Wednesday, I spent all night working on my research paper. Thursday, I had opening night for a play I was in for school. Friday, I got my first free night all week. As soon as I got home from school Friday I started planning a vacation with my mother, only to be stopped with some tragic news.
My best friend had attempted suicide, days before. I froze. I denied. I knew it was true, but I couldn't believe it. How could anyone expect me to accept that? I had loved her, and I had felt as if I had failed. Deep down I took all the blame. I was the only one who gave her hope and I hadn't been there for her. I found out that the day she had tried to overdose was her birthday. She was admitted to rehab on her birthday. What a present. I ended up being able to talk to her an hour later. We joked around a lot, but she wasn't okay. I knew it. On Saturday, we had another night for the play, which was about suicide, so fitting. I couldn't watch it. It was too much. Listening to it off stage killed me. By the time I had to go on, I calmed down though.
Another adventure I had on Saturday was taking my first shower in a dorm. It was a disgusting experience. I knew deep down I was going to get staph. You'd think my shower would have been short, but actually it was very long because I had to keep scrubbing in fear I'd contract a disease and die; it was atrocious.
I have decided that in a way, Valentine's Day is a very stupid holiday. As if we don't have enough reasons to waste money. It was invented by the card and chocolate companies. The only good part is that on the day after you get to go and buy chocolate for half price.
"Life has a funny way of helping you out" (Alanis Morrisette, "Ironic")
My best friend had attempted suicide, days before. I froze. I denied. I knew it was true, but I couldn't believe it. How could anyone expect me to accept that? I had loved her, and I had felt as if I had failed. Deep down I took all the blame. I was the only one who gave her hope and I hadn't been there for her. I found out that the day she had tried to overdose was her birthday. She was admitted to rehab on her birthday. What a present. I ended up being able to talk to her an hour later. We joked around a lot, but she wasn't okay. I knew it. On Saturday, we had another night for the play, which was about suicide, so fitting. I couldn't watch it. It was too much. Listening to it off stage killed me. By the time I had to go on, I calmed down though.
Another adventure I had on Saturday was taking my first shower in a dorm. It was a disgusting experience. I knew deep down I was going to get staph. You'd think my shower would have been short, but actually it was very long because I had to keep scrubbing in fear I'd contract a disease and die; it was atrocious.
I have decided that in a way, Valentine's Day is a very stupid holiday. As if we don't have enough reasons to waste money. It was invented by the card and chocolate companies. The only good part is that on the day after you get to go and buy chocolate for half price.
"Life has a funny way of helping you out" (Alanis Morrisette, "Ironic")
February 1, 2009
All You Need is Love.
When you find love, you know it. Love is said to be the greatest thing ever, and it is. When you love someone you know it. Whether it be a boyfriend, cousin, sister, or best friend, you know you love them. Sure there are different forms of love, but it's always true when it is.
There aren't going to be many people in life you can trust. There's going to be even fewer that actually get you. Actually some people go through their entire life without finding someone that understands. (I went the first 14 years of my life without someone)Even if they have Christ, they may feel the need from someone on earth.
I don't have much to say, only that I have realized the power of love. Love can make you do crazy things. The craziest though, is not letting you let go, no matter how hard you try.
There aren't going to be many people in life you can trust. There's going to be even fewer that actually get you. Actually some people go through their entire life without finding someone that understands. (I went the first 14 years of my life without someone)Even if they have Christ, they may feel the need from someone on earth.
I don't have much to say, only that I have realized the power of love. Love can make you do crazy things. The craziest though, is not letting you let go, no matter how hard you try.
January 25, 2009
I'm a Hazard to Myself
Since I became old enough to care, I have never been skinny. I was always the one to plan diets, workouts, and motivational quotes, but never actually follow through. So, I am changing things up, SCREW DIETS! I was thinking about it and every time I deprive myself, I end up going on a crazy binge. In the past day, I have learned the value of myself.
It doesn't matter if i'm not the skinniest or the smartest, because I'm me. Someone I really look up to showed me something yesterday. I am beautiful; I am smart; I am strong. What more do I need? He told me that you cannot constantly compare yourself to others, because everyone is different. Most of the time you feel not good enough, you're usually outshining that person, you just don't take the time to realize it.
Lately, I have been down and just desiring to get out of this. What I mean by "this," I can't really define. To be vague, I have just not been happy. Everything seemed to be going wrong, but then I woke up and smelled the Mexican sasuage my dad was cooking.
I have nothing. Therefore, I have nothing to lose. Having nothing to lose is the equivalent to having everything. I can go for any opportunity. The few things I can lose, I would never.
Lately, I have been questioning how things will go with a certain boy. I thought about it for hours overthinking all possibilities. Shall I tell him how I feel? Shall I drop this "crush?" I finally came to a simple conclusion: don't worry.
Sounds too simple doesn't it? It sounds as if I have given up when in fact that's exactly the complete opposite. No one wants to worry, so why do it if we don't have to? We're all looking for some kind of compensation, why not a mini-vaca? Give your problems to God, and enjoy a little spontaneity.
It doesn't matter if i'm not the skinniest or the smartest, because I'm me. Someone I really look up to showed me something yesterday. I am beautiful; I am smart; I am strong. What more do I need? He told me that you cannot constantly compare yourself to others, because everyone is different. Most of the time you feel not good enough, you're usually outshining that person, you just don't take the time to realize it.
Lately, I have been down and just desiring to get out of this. What I mean by "this," I can't really define. To be vague, I have just not been happy. Everything seemed to be going wrong, but then I woke up and smelled the Mexican sasuage my dad was cooking.
I have nothing. Therefore, I have nothing to lose. Having nothing to lose is the equivalent to having everything. I can go for any opportunity. The few things I can lose, I would never.
Lately, I have been questioning how things will go with a certain boy. I thought about it for hours overthinking all possibilities. Shall I tell him how I feel? Shall I drop this "crush?" I finally came to a simple conclusion: don't worry.
Sounds too simple doesn't it? It sounds as if I have given up when in fact that's exactly the complete opposite. No one wants to worry, so why do it if we don't have to? We're all looking for some kind of compensation, why not a mini-vaca? Give your problems to God, and enjoy a little spontaneity.
January 21, 2009
My Prince Charming
There seems to be so many movies coming out with some kind of "Cinderella" story these days. Every girl who goes through a hard time expects to have Prince Charming save them, right? In a sense, maybe not as Disney meant, we all have a Prince Charming. There is someone standing at our doorstep waiting to save us; we just don't realize it.
Reading this you must be thinking, is this girl crazy? (Honestly, I cannot answer that because the test results are yet to come back.)
Jesus is here to save us. Not to quote the VBS song, but "he came from heaven to earth to show the way." It's something that we have sang over and over again, but really think about it. He did, didn't He? We all sit around wandering why things go wrong or try to change petty circumstances, when in reality we can't. When we are stubborn, we oversee reality.
I received an e-mail from a friend I had discussed my acting camp dilemma with, and she used simple words, but made a big impact. "Anything is possible if you bring it to God." I'd done everything I possibly could have thought to except bring it to God.
Why is it always our last thought to bring things to God? Why can we not allow ourselves to trust Him? Too often in our society is God underestimated. It is pathetic, sometimes I get so angry with myself for doing the same things.
God created the world. If He wanted to, He could make my dream of acting happen. People keep telling me to back down that this is never going to happen. I won't let myself, no, I can't let myself back down. I'm confused as to why it is, but something is telling me this is what I need to do. Maybe, I am crazy. Maybe, I am just ignorant.
I'm undeniably scared. I'm scared of letting myself down, of letting others down. I'm scared of missing an opportunity that might ultimately determine my fate. I'm scared of the what-ifs.
I don't know much about life, but what I do know is you can't keep shuffling through the what-ifs. In 20 years, I don't want to sit around and wonder what would have happened if I went to that acting school. Everyone says live life to the fullest, but doesn't encourage you to pursue your dreams. How hypocritical! No, I don't have a lot of money, and no, I'm not that pretty, but if given the chance, I could change that.
Everyone says you need experience, but they're not willing to give you experience. This goes to show there's only two people you can trust in this world: God and yourself.
Reading this you must be thinking, is this girl crazy? (Honestly, I cannot answer that because the test results are yet to come back.)
Jesus is here to save us. Not to quote the VBS song, but "he came from heaven to earth to show the way." It's something that we have sang over and over again, but really think about it. He did, didn't He? We all sit around wandering why things go wrong or try to change petty circumstances, when in reality we can't. When we are stubborn, we oversee reality.
I received an e-mail from a friend I had discussed my acting camp dilemma with, and she used simple words, but made a big impact. "Anything is possible if you bring it to God." I'd done everything I possibly could have thought to except bring it to God.
Why is it always our last thought to bring things to God? Why can we not allow ourselves to trust Him? Too often in our society is God underestimated. It is pathetic, sometimes I get so angry with myself for doing the same things.
God created the world. If He wanted to, He could make my dream of acting happen. People keep telling me to back down that this is never going to happen. I won't let myself, no, I can't let myself back down. I'm confused as to why it is, but something is telling me this is what I need to do. Maybe, I am crazy. Maybe, I am just ignorant.
I'm undeniably scared. I'm scared of letting myself down, of letting others down. I'm scared of missing an opportunity that might ultimately determine my fate. I'm scared of the what-ifs.
I don't know much about life, but what I do know is you can't keep shuffling through the what-ifs. In 20 years, I don't want to sit around and wonder what would have happened if I went to that acting school. Everyone says live life to the fullest, but doesn't encourage you to pursue your dreams. How hypocritical! No, I don't have a lot of money, and no, I'm not that pretty, but if given the chance, I could change that.
Everyone says you need experience, but they're not willing to give you experience. This goes to show there's only two people you can trust in this world: God and yourself.
January 20, 2009
A Midwinter's Night Dream
"This is real; this is me. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be."
Demi Lovato sings this catchy tune in Disney Channel's Camp Rock. That songs plays over and over in my head when I know something is meant to be. There are times when I get onstage and this song beings playing--the rush from seeing the crowd and hoping I know my lines, and then I remember.
As I remember Demi's voice, I realize how important it is for me to do what I love. One cannot let anything hold them back. It is my latest dream to attend a summer camp through NYFA (New York Film Academy).
I was looking through my latest issue of Seventeen when I saw the advertisement. I usually pass up cheesy "be famous, NOW!" ads, but this one caught my eye for some reason. As soon as I saw it, I knew it was what I wanted. I ventured on the website and did what any fool would do, try to secure myself a spot. In doing so, I realized I had to put a $500 down payment. I thought 'okay, not too bad,' but then I saw it: $3,000 price tag, which did not include another $2700 for room and board.
I wanted to faint.
As much as I try to pretend to want a "practical" career, I cannot ignore my passion for acting. I've always been told I'm talented at the craft, but is that enough? Every now and then I have a friend who is willing to challenge me, one that will look me in the face and ask 'do you really think you're good enough?' As much as it breaks my heart to hear those words, I must consider them. Am I going to be good enough to make it in the big time?
My best friend from my childhood recently completed a series of private lessons from Barbizon Modeling. She called me and gave me every last detail about the clothes worn in the shows, the cute escorts that lead her out, and the new walks she had learned. On the day of her graduation, she had changed.
Just by hearing the sound of her voice, I knew something was different--she was growing up. She hadn't always matured as fast as I, but when I heard it, I knew.
Everyday, I pray hoping the world of modeling will not harden her as it had many 'good girls.' As I pray for her, I must consider myself, what is going to happen to me? What if I spend my whole life trying to make it big, and nothing happens, then what kind of life will I have I lived? I remember once in second grade when we were forced to watch the high school plays, seeing my brother onstage and knowing at that moment, it was all I could have wanted.
Maybe I won't make it big; maybe I won't make it into NYFA summer camp, but at least I'll know I did everything I could do to get it. How are we ever supposed to get what we want in life if we don't take it? No one's going to waltz up and hand us a dream.
[As a side note, I did not go to acting campy, but instead ended up spending this summer on a mission trip to Costa Rica. It was the best summer of my high school experience. Always remember that there are things unseen.]
Demi Lovato sings this catchy tune in Disney Channel's Camp Rock. That songs plays over and over in my head when I know something is meant to be. There are times when I get onstage and this song beings playing--the rush from seeing the crowd and hoping I know my lines, and then I remember.
As I remember Demi's voice, I realize how important it is for me to do what I love. One cannot let anything hold them back. It is my latest dream to attend a summer camp through NYFA (New York Film Academy).
I was looking through my latest issue of Seventeen when I saw the advertisement. I usually pass up cheesy "be famous, NOW!" ads, but this one caught my eye for some reason. As soon as I saw it, I knew it was what I wanted. I ventured on the website and did what any fool would do, try to secure myself a spot. In doing so, I realized I had to put a $500 down payment. I thought 'okay, not too bad,' but then I saw it: $3,000 price tag, which did not include another $2700 for room and board.
I wanted to faint.
As much as I try to pretend to want a "practical" career, I cannot ignore my passion for acting. I've always been told I'm talented at the craft, but is that enough? Every now and then I have a friend who is willing to challenge me, one that will look me in the face and ask 'do you really think you're good enough?' As much as it breaks my heart to hear those words, I must consider them. Am I going to be good enough to make it in the big time?
My best friend from my childhood recently completed a series of private lessons from Barbizon Modeling. She called me and gave me every last detail about the clothes worn in the shows, the cute escorts that lead her out, and the new walks she had learned. On the day of her graduation, she had changed.
Just by hearing the sound of her voice, I knew something was different--she was growing up. She hadn't always matured as fast as I, but when I heard it, I knew.
Everyday, I pray hoping the world of modeling will not harden her as it had many 'good girls.' As I pray for her, I must consider myself, what is going to happen to me? What if I spend my whole life trying to make it big, and nothing happens, then what kind of life will I have I lived? I remember once in second grade when we were forced to watch the high school plays, seeing my brother onstage and knowing at that moment, it was all I could have wanted.
Maybe I won't make it big; maybe I won't make it into NYFA summer camp, but at least I'll know I did everything I could do to get it. How are we ever supposed to get what we want in life if we don't take it? No one's going to waltz up and hand us a dream.
[As a side note, I did not go to acting campy, but instead ended up spending this summer on a mission trip to Costa Rica. It was the best summer of my high school experience. Always remember that there are things unseen.]
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