I take a deep breath and fiddle with the radio dial--not a single station seems to portray how I'm feeling. The depressing country ballads don't match the feelings that arise. Catchy top 40 songs cannot distract me from my thoughts. I settle on the classic rock station and reach for the button to roll down the windows. I figure the fresh air will do me some good.
I left the house in a hurry, not really listening to the pleas of my family. I squint at the road signs--I wasn't concerned about remembering to put in my contacts. I swerve, dodging the oncoming traffic. I guess my depth perception isn't up to par while I'm half blind.
I pace up and down the aisles of Wal-Mart, seeking to find whatever it was that I claimed as my excuse to leave. Contact solution, right. I needed to buy contact solution. I had a reason, a purpose to be here.
"Marissa Goins!" I turn and see the face of the first girl to befriend me when I moved to Florence seven years ago. I've seen her maybe once in the past two years. We make a little small talk, hearing the basics about each other's lives, not really caring enough to ask more. Neither one of us daring to ask what we were really doing there. We smile and part ways, and I realize I should probably get out of there.
I get in the car and vow that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow, I won't run away. I won't avoid the truth. I won't leave at the first sign of things getting emotional. I promise myself that I'll do better, that I'll be better.
It's never that simple, though, is it?
"We were worried," my sister says as I slip in through the carport door. I hold up my shopping bag and shrug my shoulders. She turns back to her boyfriend and her movie, deciding against playing "Mommy" tonight.
I stare at the flimsy plastic white bag as I reach to turn off my bedroom light. I stumble into bed and think, I guess there are some things that you can't find at Wal-Mart.
July 30, 2013
July 23, 2013
Wanderlust
I scroll through my newsfeed and see Instagram pictures of my friends going on beach trips and studying abroad in exotic locales. I see a post with all my friends tagged that proclaims the former weekend's events. I see articles posted by my peers on how to find love in the summer while interning in a faraway land. I look at my desk and see the postcards from people I love sent to me from these places I long to be. I use Google Maps to look up the distance between my home and these places, contemplating getting on I65 and heading south towards my city, or towards the beach. I ponder the possibility of spontaneously buying a plane ticket to LAX so I can join my friend who is in Beverly Hills and shop on Rodeo Drive.
For the next three weeks, I'm still living under my parents' roof. I'm working second shift at a job I don't particularly care for making just enough money to help me get by this fall. I'm living a life that I am not exactly ecstatic about.
I dream of being back in Birmingham with all my friends, eating at my favorite Thai restaurant, coordinating schedules and comparing our dreams. For a few seconds, my heart breaks seeing so much life and so many experiences happening outside of me.
Too often do we forget that life keeps moving on, people keep moving on--even when we are not there to experience it.
These moments are fleeting, though. A second later, I smile to myself and send a short message, telling my friends I cannot wait to be with them again, in a month.
When we become intentional about our relationships, distance cannot break these bonds. When we become intentional about our choices and our lifestyles, a few months away does not change anything. Living away from something does not mean living without it.
As sad as I am to not be able to go to a game at the Barons' stadium each week, or hit up the Birmingham Museum of Art for fancy soirees, my life isn't any less rich.
If I stayed in Birmingham to take classes or start a new internship, I would have missed out on so much this summer. I wouldn't have been able to spend three days last week in Nashville with my older brother and nephew. I wouldn't have been able to help with the promotion of my brother's upcoming book. I wouldn't be able to spend every afternoon with my older sister, my best friend, who introduced me to sweet potato fries and consoled me as she listened to my stories of frustration and heartbreak. I wouldn't have turned my dad onto Drop Dead Diva, which we now watch together every night when we get home from work (Shhh, he'll kill me for telling). I wouldn't be here celebrating my younger brother's 11th birthday with cake and a swim party. I wouldn't have been able to make massive strides in the complicated relationship I've always had with my mother. I wouldn't have been able to plan a last minute trip to Gulf Shores with my sorority sisters. I wouldn't have been able to save up enough money for my upcoming semester in Spain.
My older brother once told me, every time you say yes to something, you say no to something else. The beauty lies in the fact that is that the reverse is true--I said no to staying in Birmingham much to my dismay, but the blessings and experiences I have had in Florence this summer are unique to me, and unique to this summer.
Being one of the lucky few to get to pre-read my brother's new book, The In-Between, I was given the chance to give feedback before the book debuts on August 1st. When Jeff asked my thoughts, I simply said, everyone can relate to this book.
Right now, in my life, I cannot think of a more appropriate concept than the in-between. Right now, I'm stuck between two lives, living through the daily grind, but Jeff argues that this is our life. We cannot simply live by floating from one grand moment to the next. We cannot measure our lives only by the adventures we take, or the expensive things we buy, or the inciting experiences that we have.
What about the other 300+ days of the year? What's left to do with those? How do we "Carpe Diem," "Live life to the fullest," or embrace "YOLO" in everyday circumstances? How do we live our lives while we're stuck in the in-between?
Well, that's just it--we keep living. We don't waste our time wishing our lives were more exciting or by living for the next payday or summer vacation. We must find ways to love our lives now, as they are. Instead of trying to press "fast-forward" on our lives, what if we took a minute to listen, to enjoy the stillness of life?
Right now, I'm embracing this quiet time in my life. I'm sleeping later, reading more, and spending time with those around me. Sure, I'm not living a life that would make the average person jealous. I'm not interning at a Fortune 500 company or traveling to exotic cities. I'm spending time getting to know myself and my loved ones a little bit better.
Honestly, I couldn't think of a better way to spend my summer.
...but I don't do any of these things.
For the next three weeks, I'm still living under my parents' roof. I'm working second shift at a job I don't particularly care for making just enough money to help me get by this fall. I'm living a life that I am not exactly ecstatic about.
I dream of being back in Birmingham with all my friends, eating at my favorite Thai restaurant, coordinating schedules and comparing our dreams. For a few seconds, my heart breaks seeing so much life and so many experiences happening outside of me.
Too often do we forget that life keeps moving on, people keep moving on--even when we are not there to experience it.
These moments are fleeting, though. A second later, I smile to myself and send a short message, telling my friends I cannot wait to be with them again, in a month.
When we become intentional about our relationships, distance cannot break these bonds. When we become intentional about our choices and our lifestyles, a few months away does not change anything. Living away from something does not mean living without it.
As sad as I am to not be able to go to a game at the Barons' stadium each week, or hit up the Birmingham Museum of Art for fancy soirees, my life isn't any less rich.
If I stayed in Birmingham to take classes or start a new internship, I would have missed out on so much this summer. I wouldn't have been able to spend three days last week in Nashville with my older brother and nephew. I wouldn't have been able to help with the promotion of my brother's upcoming book. I wouldn't be able to spend every afternoon with my older sister, my best friend, who introduced me to sweet potato fries and consoled me as she listened to my stories of frustration and heartbreak. I wouldn't have turned my dad onto Drop Dead Diva, which we now watch together every night when we get home from work (Shhh, he'll kill me for telling). I wouldn't be here celebrating my younger brother's 11th birthday with cake and a swim party. I wouldn't have been able to make massive strides in the complicated relationship I've always had with my mother. I wouldn't have been able to plan a last minute trip to Gulf Shores with my sorority sisters. I wouldn't have been able to save up enough money for my upcoming semester in Spain.
My older brother once told me, every time you say yes to something, you say no to something else. The beauty lies in the fact that is that the reverse is true--I said no to staying in Birmingham much to my dismay, but the blessings and experiences I have had in Florence this summer are unique to me, and unique to this summer.
Being one of the lucky few to get to pre-read my brother's new book, The In-Between, I was given the chance to give feedback before the book debuts on August 1st. When Jeff asked my thoughts, I simply said, everyone can relate to this book.
Right now, in my life, I cannot think of a more appropriate concept than the in-between. Right now, I'm stuck between two lives, living through the daily grind, but Jeff argues that this is our life. We cannot simply live by floating from one grand moment to the next. We cannot measure our lives only by the adventures we take, or the expensive things we buy, or the inciting experiences that we have.
What about the other 300+ days of the year? What's left to do with those? How do we "Carpe Diem," "Live life to the fullest," or embrace "YOLO" in everyday circumstances? How do we live our lives while we're stuck in the in-between?
Well, that's just it--we keep living. We don't waste our time wishing our lives were more exciting or by living for the next payday or summer vacation. We must find ways to love our lives now, as they are. Instead of trying to press "fast-forward" on our lives, what if we took a minute to listen, to enjoy the stillness of life?
Right now, I'm embracing this quiet time in my life. I'm sleeping later, reading more, and spending time with those around me. Sure, I'm not living a life that would make the average person jealous. I'm not interning at a Fortune 500 company or traveling to exotic cities. I'm spending time getting to know myself and my loved ones a little bit better.
Honestly, I couldn't think of a better way to spend my summer.
July 12, 2013
Inside Out
Love is all you need. When Paul McCartney wrote those words, I'm sure he did not realize (though was probably very excited to learn) the impact they have had on the past few generations. One line in a song has become the anthem of young and older people alike--for decades.
Most people take this line to mean love from those around us. If we surround ourselves with people with love and pursue activities we love, we should be happy, right? If we surround ourselves with positive influences, we will have positive attitudes. If we seek out happy experiences, we will be happy.
Every rule has its exceptions.What if experiencing this kind of love is not enough?
You cannot look at someone suffering from depression or anxiety and say,"Why can't you just be happy?" "What do you have to be sad about?"
A good day or a bad day isn't based on what happened that day. A bad day has nothing to do with an argument with a co-worker or a disappointment on an investment. A bad day occurs when nothing is wrong, but nothing can be made right. When you're lying in bed and begging yourself to stop thinking, stop imagining. A bad day is when you wish you could stop breaking your own heart.
Love from other people is not enough. It is not enough to hear that you are beautiful, that you are wanted, that you are desired by someone if you do not believe these things to be true.
After the movie Perks of Being a Wallflower came out, everyone began over-quoting the line "we accept the love we think we deserve."
Say it ain't so.
From my experience, it seems that we shut people out when we need a friend the most. We close ourselves off because sometimes we don't know how to be loved. Our souls are screaming "notice me" as our self-defenses prepare to take cover.
The greatest gift you can offer this world is showing them that you love and respect yourself. When you can look in the mirror and love what you see, you are the most beautiful you could ever be. When you can trust others enough to accept positive comments, it is in that moment that you are complete.
The very moment we realize our own worth is our defining moment. It is our second birth. It is when our lives really begin.
We can't always ask for people to love us or to know that we are thinking or needing, but we can be that person for ourselves. We can show ourselves that the core of who we are is worth fighting for and that we will do whatever it takes to win it back. When we channel everything that builds up inside of us--all the anxiety, into self-love, amazing things start happening.
*Photo credit: Google Images
Most people take this line to mean love from those around us. If we surround ourselves with people with love and pursue activities we love, we should be happy, right? If we surround ourselves with positive influences, we will have positive attitudes. If we seek out happy experiences, we will be happy.
Every rule has its exceptions.What if experiencing this kind of love is not enough?
You cannot look at someone suffering from depression or anxiety and say,"Why can't you just be happy?" "What do you have to be sad about?"
A good day or a bad day isn't based on what happened that day. A bad day has nothing to do with an argument with a co-worker or a disappointment on an investment. A bad day occurs when nothing is wrong, but nothing can be made right. When you're lying in bed and begging yourself to stop thinking, stop imagining. A bad day is when you wish you could stop breaking your own heart.
Love from other people is not enough. It is not enough to hear that you are beautiful, that you are wanted, that you are desired by someone if you do not believe these things to be true.
After the movie Perks of Being a Wallflower came out, everyone began over-quoting the line "we accept the love we think we deserve."
Say it ain't so.
From my experience, it seems that we shut people out when we need a friend the most. We close ourselves off because sometimes we don't know how to be loved. Our souls are screaming "notice me" as our self-defenses prepare to take cover.
The greatest gift you can offer this world is showing them that you love and respect yourself. When you can look in the mirror and love what you see, you are the most beautiful you could ever be. When you can trust others enough to accept positive comments, it is in that moment that you are complete.
The very moment we realize our own worth is our defining moment. It is our second birth. It is when our lives really begin.
We can't always ask for people to love us or to know that we are thinking or needing, but we can be that person for ourselves. We can show ourselves that the core of who we are is worth fighting for and that we will do whatever it takes to win it back. When we channel everything that builds up inside of us--all the anxiety, into self-love, amazing things start happening.
*Photo credit: Google Images
July 9, 2013
Vanishing Victims
Last night, my workplace was robbed at gunpoint. Luckily, no one got hurt.
Nothing unusual happened, no red flags were flying. Business was slower than usual so after I did my closing duties, I clocked out. After work, I went home, turned on Netflix and ate a BLT sandwich. After being home an hour or two, I logged onto Facebook only to see a post from my manager mentioning that a gun was held to his head that night.
When I woke up this morning, my mother kindly informed me that I wouldn't be returning to work for the rest of the week. She believes my safety is in jeopardy and is worried about the possibilities that could occur if I choose to return.
After tragedies strike, it's natural to get scared. It's natural to want to avoid places of pain. It's scary when somewhere that we go everyday becomes the scene of the crime and you could have easily been a victim. It's easy to play the games of "What if I would have there?" "What if something could have happened to me or someone I know?"
After the Colorado movie theatre shooting, the Sandy Hook Elementary school shooting, and the Boston Marathon bombing, people began to freak out.
Should we stop sending children to school? College kids to work? Athletes to their dream race? Families to the movie theatres?
The real question is--should we let fear dictate the way we live our lives?
I believe that we should not intentionally put ourselves in compromising situations, but we cannot live life afraid. I'm not looking to debate gun control.
Mom, I just want you to know that I'm much more likely to have a car wreck on the way to work than for my store to be held at gunpoint.
Every second we are on this earth, we are dying. We are talking on our cell phones and lying out in the sun and subjecting ourselves to the possibility of cancer. We walk out to get the mail and risk our lives in oncoming traffic. No matter how safe we are, there will always be circumstances that are out of our control that could prove detrimental.
Don't let one bad event ruin anything for you. Don't let a tragedy keep you out of your own home or your former comfort zone. Of course, though, you should never do anything to cause your personal healing process to regress, but only seek experiences that will cause you to move on from whatever trauma you experienced.
Nothing is worse than when a safe place is no longer safe to us, but does that mean we hide away from society and live in an underground shelter as in Blast From the Past ? I don't think so.
We are called to live much greater lives than that. We are called to live lives not where we flirt with disaster, but where we face our fears and anxieties head on. We all must believe that the world is a good place even though there are bad people.
Eleanor Roosevelt said, "You must do the thing you think you cannot."
So tomorrow, I'm going back to work despite any anxiety my mother or I might have. I look back at the first time I went back to school in high school after receiving a concussion from a teammate. I look at all the times in life that I put on my big girl panties and did not let an uncomfortable situation ruin life for me.
And if I can do these things, I might as well go sky-diving, er, well, at least keep my summer job.
*Photo credit: http://www.waaytv.com/news/local/florence-sonic-robbed-at-gunpoint/article_ff3218f6-e7d9-11e2-a309-0019bb30f31a.html
Nothing unusual happened, no red flags were flying. Business was slower than usual so after I did my closing duties, I clocked out. After work, I went home, turned on Netflix and ate a BLT sandwich. After being home an hour or two, I logged onto Facebook only to see a post from my manager mentioning that a gun was held to his head that night.
Pretty scary, right?
When I woke up this morning, my mother kindly informed me that I wouldn't be returning to work for the rest of the week. She believes my safety is in jeopardy and is worried about the possibilities that could occur if I choose to return.
After tragedies strike, it's natural to get scared. It's natural to want to avoid places of pain. It's scary when somewhere that we go everyday becomes the scene of the crime and you could have easily been a victim. It's easy to play the games of "What if I would have there?" "What if something could have happened to me or someone I know?"
After the Colorado movie theatre shooting, the Sandy Hook Elementary school shooting, and the Boston Marathon bombing, people began to freak out.
Should we stop sending children to school? College kids to work? Athletes to their dream race? Families to the movie theatres?
The real question is--should we let fear dictate the way we live our lives?
I believe that we should not intentionally put ourselves in compromising situations, but we cannot live life afraid. I'm not looking to debate gun control.
Mom, I just want you to know that I'm much more likely to have a car wreck on the way to work than for my store to be held at gunpoint.
Every second we are on this earth, we are dying. We are talking on our cell phones and lying out in the sun and subjecting ourselves to the possibility of cancer. We walk out to get the mail and risk our lives in oncoming traffic. No matter how safe we are, there will always be circumstances that are out of our control that could prove detrimental.
Don't let one bad event ruin anything for you. Don't let a tragedy keep you out of your own home or your former comfort zone. Of course, though, you should never do anything to cause your personal healing process to regress, but only seek experiences that will cause you to move on from whatever trauma you experienced.
Nothing is worse than when a safe place is no longer safe to us, but does that mean we hide away from society and live in an underground shelter as in Blast From the Past ? I don't think so.
We are called to live much greater lives than that. We are called to live lives not where we flirt with disaster, but where we face our fears and anxieties head on. We all must believe that the world is a good place even though there are bad people.
Eleanor Roosevelt said, "You must do the thing you think you cannot."
So tomorrow, I'm going back to work despite any anxiety my mother or I might have. I look back at the first time I went back to school in high school after receiving a concussion from a teammate. I look at all the times in life that I put on my big girl panties and did not let an uncomfortable situation ruin life for me.
And if I can do these things, I might as well go sky-diving, er, well, at least keep my summer job.
*Photo credit: http://www.waaytv.com/news/local/florence-sonic-robbed-at-gunpoint/article_ff3218f6-e7d9-11e2-a309-0019bb30f31a.html
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