January 25, 2009

I'm a Hazard to Myself

Since I became old enough to care, I have never been skinny. I was always the one to plan diets, workouts, and motivational quotes, but never actually follow through. So, I am changing things up, SCREW DIETS! I was thinking about it and every time I deprive myself, I end up going on a crazy binge. In the past day, I have learned the value of myself.

It doesn't matter if i'm not the skinniest or the smartest, because I'm me. Someone I really look up to showed me something yesterday. I am beautiful; I am smart; I am strong. What more do I need? He told me that you cannot constantly compare yourself to others, because everyone is different. Most of the time you feel not good enough, you're usually outshining that person, you just don't take the time to realize it.

Lately, I have been down and just desiring to get out of this. What I mean by "this," I can't really define. To be vague, I have just not been happy. Everything seemed to be going wrong, but then I woke up and smelled the Mexican sasuage my dad was cooking.

I have nothing. Therefore, I have nothing to lose. Having nothing to lose is the equivalent to having everything. I can go for any opportunity. The few things I can lose, I would never.

Lately, I have been questioning how things will go with a certain boy. I thought about it for hours overthinking all possibilities. Shall I tell him how I feel? Shall I drop this "crush?" I finally came to a simple conclusion: don't worry.

Sounds too simple doesn't it? It sounds as if I have given up when in fact that's exactly the complete opposite. No one wants to worry, so why do it if we don't have to? We're all looking for some kind of compensation, why not a mini-vaca? Give your problems to God, and enjoy a little spontaneity.

January 21, 2009

My Prince Charming

There seems to be so many movies coming out with some kind of "Cinderella" story these days. Every girl who goes through a hard time expects to have Prince Charming save them, right? In a sense, maybe not as Disney meant, we all have a Prince Charming. There is someone standing at our doorstep waiting to save us; we just don't realize it.

Reading this you must be thinking, is this girl crazy? (Honestly, I cannot answer that because the test results are yet to come back.)

Jesus is here to save us. Not to quote the VBS song, but "he came from heaven to earth to show the way." It's something that we have sang over and over again, but really think about it. He did, didn't He? We all sit around wandering why things go wrong or try to change petty circumstances, when in reality we can't. When we are stubborn, we oversee reality.

I received an e-mail from a friend I had discussed my acting camp dilemma with, and she used simple words, but made a big impact. "Anything is possible if you bring it to God." I'd done everything I possibly could have thought to except bring it to God.

Why is it always our last thought to bring things to God? Why can we not allow ourselves to trust Him? Too often in our society is God underestimated. It is pathetic, sometimes I get so angry with myself for doing the same things.

God created the world. If He wanted to, He could make my dream of acting happen. People keep telling me to back down that this is never going to happen. I won't let myself, no, I can't let myself back down. I'm confused as to why it is, but something is telling me this is what I need to do. Maybe, I am crazy. Maybe, I am just ignorant.

I'm undeniably scared. I'm scared of letting myself down, of letting others down. I'm scared of missing an opportunity that might ultimately determine my fate. I'm scared of the what-ifs.

I don't know much about life, but what I do know is you can't keep shuffling through the what-ifs. In 20 years, I don't want to sit around and wonder what would have happened if I went to that acting school. Everyone says live life to the fullest, but doesn't encourage you to pursue your dreams. How hypocritical! No, I don't have a lot of money, and no, I'm not that pretty, but if given the chance, I could change that.

Everyone says you need experience, but they're not willing to give you experience. This goes to show there's only two people you can trust in this world: God and yourself.

January 20, 2009

A Midwinter's Night Dream

"This is real; this is me. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be."

Demi Lovato sings this catchy tune in Disney Channel's Camp Rock. That songs plays over and over in my head when I know something is meant to be. There are times when I get onstage and this song beings playing--the rush from seeing the crowd and hoping I know my lines, and then I remember.

As I remember Demi's voice, I realize how important it is for me to do what I love. One cannot let anything hold them back. It is my latest dream to attend a summer camp through NYFA (New York Film Academy).

I was looking through my latest issue of Seventeen when I saw the advertisement. I usually pass up cheesy "be famous, NOW!" ads, but this one caught my eye for some reason. As soon as I saw it, I knew it was what I wanted. I ventured on the website and did what any fool would do, try to secure myself a spot. In doing so, I realized I had to put a $500 down payment. I thought 'okay, not too bad,' but then I saw it: $3,000 price tag, which did not include another $2700 for room and board.

I wanted to faint.

As much as I try to pretend to want a "practical" career, I cannot ignore my passion for acting. I've always been told I'm talented at the craft, but is that enough? Every now and then I have a friend who is willing to challenge me, one that will look me in the face and ask 'do you really think you're good enough?' As much as it breaks my heart to hear those words, I must consider them. Am I going to be good enough to make it in the big time?

My best friend from my childhood recently completed a series of private lessons from Barbizon Modeling. She called me and gave me every last detail about the clothes worn in the shows, the cute escorts that lead her out, and the new walks she had learned. On the day of her graduation, she had changed.

Just by hearing the sound of her voice, I knew something was different--she was growing up. She hadn't always matured as fast as I, but when I heard it, I knew.

Everyday, I pray hoping the world of modeling will not harden her as it had many 'good girls.' As I pray for her, I must consider myself, what is going to happen to me? What if I spend my whole life trying to make it big, and nothing happens, then what kind of life will I have I lived? I remember once in second grade when we were forced to watch the high school plays, seeing my brother onstage and knowing at that moment, it was all I could have wanted.

Maybe I won't make it big; maybe I won't make it into NYFA summer camp, but at least I'll know I did everything I could do to get it. How are we ever supposed to get what we want in life if we don't take it? No one's going to waltz up and hand us a dream.

[As a side note, I did not go to acting campy, but instead ended up spending this summer on a mission trip to Costa Rica. It was the best summer of my high school experience. Always remember that there are things unseen.]