Baby, It's Cold Outside

There's a really obnoxious Taylor Swift song that says, "I don't know what I want so don't ask me; I'm still trying to figure it out."

And there is my entire college experience summed up in one line of a terrible pop song.

Last night, I was running errands with a good friend of mine. On our way back to the dorms, we were all discussing what kind of relationships we wanted. We both decided that right now, at this point in our lives, we're not really sure if we want any sort of relationship...or maybe we do.

Maybe it's the eggnog, or the romantic plots in every Christmas movies, but everyone gets lonely when it's cold outside. Not an annoying, I-just-need-someone-to-love-me lonely. It's not desperate or even that depressing, but there becomes a longing in all of us.

College kids everywhere are acknowledging "cuddle weather." Everyone I've talked to lately wants a warm body in their bed, not necessarily sexually, just having someone there. There's less to do, and everyone just wants to stay in, but no one wants to do it alone. The paradox is, though, how are we going to be who we need to be if we refuse to be by ourselves?

This winter, I'm fighting cuddle weather. I'm done wasting my time, energy, and efforts. Sure, I'll bake cookies and watch Netflix, but I'll do them alone. Not because I'm an "I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T" woman or I hate men, I just love myself.

Wednesday night when I was trying to make a decision, a friend asked me, what would the man of your dreams do? Because the thing is, it's not about changing to be ready for the person you're going to be with, but becoming the person you want to be when you're in a relationship.

What does your final destination look like? Who do you want to be when you're at that point in your life? Allow yourself to become that person.

Love yourself first.

My senior year of high school, I wrote a blog about filling empty spaces and what that leads to. Read it here

Me, Whatever that Implies

Two weeks ago, a friend said to me, "oh, are you really religious or something? I never would have guessed that."

Ouch. Needless to say, I've been feeling a little bit convicted.
 
This semester, I've been distracted. Distracted from what is really important to me and who I really am. I've barely been to church. I've barely seen some of the most inspirational people in my life. I've barely written. I've barely made time to call either of my brothers. I haven't visited home.

This weekend is my half-birthday. I'm almost twenty. I guess this makes me an adult, and I guess I should start living like it.

Thanksgiving break was a sort of "Come to Jesus" time for me, both literally and figuratively. Being outside the city for five days, away from the daily grind really helped put things into perspective for me.
Lately, my life has reminded me of that Toby Mac song, "I don't want to gain the whole world and lose my soul." Sure, I didn't gain the world. I've gained many friends, experiences, and bad habits though.

I'm tired of waiting for my life to begin. I'm tired of diets that start "tomorrow." I'm tired of planning to go to church, but then being too tired. I'm tired of my own excuses.

"This is your life. Are you who you wanna be? Is it everything that you dreamed that it would be then the world was younger and you had everything to lose?"

Is it? I know my life isn't. Or at least, it hasn't been. This week I've already started changing. I've been working out, reading my bible, and saying no.

I can't live my life based on a fear of missing out. That's not really living. That's not choosing yes because I'm not choosing. I'm letting fear choose.

And now, I'm letting go. I'm letting go of the people and the things that hold me back from being who I want to be, who I can be, who I will be.

Life's too short, brah.

One Person

They say it only takes one person can change your life.

My freshman year, I had an interesting English 101 teacher, Ruth Sundberg. Ruth was in her '70s and crazy as a bat. She was obsessed with the symphony, and once I convinced her that if we went to the symphony, we should get extra credit. Oh, mind you, this was a 9AM on MWF, so naturally, we had to find some way to make it fun.

One day after class, I was in the Commons getting sushi and minding my own business and some girl whose name I couldn't pronounce (yes, it was Sabiha Arna) jumps in front of me and asks me to go the symphony with her. Hesistantly, I say yes, I mean, I wanted the extra credit and why not make a friend?

We went to the symphony together, and then we pretty much became best friends (which had nothing to do with the fact that she cut her bangs to look like my bangs). We started getting Starbucks before class, and then we began to make other friends in the class, one of which was named Meaghan Wall.

We may have bonded over lattes and boys, but somewhere along the line, something else happened. When I found out Meaghan was in a sorority, I told her I wished I had went through recruitment. She ended up inviting me to hang out with some of her sisters, and in due time, I became a Delta Gamma.

Around this same time, Sabiha had invited me to go on a leadership retreat with Circle K International, a collegiate service organization. It was then that I met Ali Massoud.

A year later, I'm now Vice President of Circle K, and Sabiha is President. She and I have been through hell and back in our friendship, but somewhere along the way, we realized that some things are meant to last forever. The hardest things can be the best things, if you want them to be.

Ali has become one of my very best friends, and no matter how conceited he pretends to be, I know he loves me to the world and back, and at the end of the day, we are eachother's family. And if it weren't for Ali, I never would have met my diva twin, Ranjani Ponnazhagan (yes, I had to look on Facebook to spell it right). I've only known her two months, but something tells me that if it there will be many more months to come.

Meaghan and I may not be as close as we were, but she will always be my sister and hold a very special place in my heart. And I can never repay her for introducing me to the greatest sisterhood I could be blessed to be a part of. Without this, I never would have met my wonderful Big, Dianne Lee. Or my amazing littles, Grace Eagleson and Christen Carver. These are the girls who teach me what it means to be loved, every single day. Every single member of Zeta Xi has changed my life, and brightens my day, everyday.

Some (not all, I have many wonderful friends outside of those mentioned here) of the most important people in my life are there because of one crazy old lady. When someone told me I'd meet people in college that would change my life, I didn't know those relationships would come from a dusty classroom in the Humanties building. The chain of relationships don't end here, but these few people walked in and changed my life in an irrevocable way, and they are doing so everyday. I'm not going to turn this into a love letter because Lord knows most of you don't emote.

I just want to thank Ruth, though. Thank you, Ruth for allowing me to be myself and embracing my crazy. Also, thank you for allowing me to extend deadlines, get extra credit, and occasionally call off class, if only all my teachers let me make up the rules like that. Unfortunately, the real world wasn't like your English class, but now I have amazing people to help me through it.

America is Good Enough

Today, I'm fighting back tears. I look at the United States and I am wonder what things will look like in four years. I'm terrified for our country.

I don't really care that Obama got re-elected. I don't really care if you're a Republican, Democrat, or a Communist. We're in deep trouble.

I have debt. I am not proud of my debt, but I am glad that the country I live in has given me an opportunity to go to school despite economic hardships.

Most college students have acculumated some credit card debt as well. Unfortunately, I am not exempt from this. I have some credit card debt. Approximately forty dollars, yes only forty. Why? Because my parents taught me to never spend money I don't have.

However, when I came to college, I discovered what it meant to invest. I "invested" twelve dollars into a lip pencil. My initial payment didn't go through, and I ended up being charge sixty-five dollars for a lip pencil. Interest really sneaks up on you.

The United States has trillions of dollars in debt. The interest still acculumating is three trillion dollars. If the sixteen trillion dollar deficit was divided evenly throughout the American citizens, we would each be responsible for about 51,000 dollars. That's higher than the median income listed for individual Americans in the 2010 census. It has gotten to a point where we don't even care because the number is so beyond us that a few hundred thousand dollars here and there is barely going to matter.
What about us? How are we going to begin to support our economy? How are we going to man up and stop relying on China to give us what we need? What can we do as counties and states in America to do our part in helping?

There is literally nothing I can do about how Barack Obama and his administration choose to spend my money. I could write letters all day, but I have to have hope in the people I (or in this case, America's people) elected. 

I am challenging myself and everyone who reads this to invest locally. Buy local produce from a farmer's market. Buy clothing and objects not made in China. Investments need to be more than just financial, though.

We need to invest in our local talent. We need to express interest in the art and education in those in our area, especially the young people. We need to take time to volunteer at elementary schools, helping kids learn to read. (Two-thirds of America’s children living in poverty have no books at home).

It is not going to be easy. It is not going to be cheap. I'm not asking you to buy absolutely everything locally because I understand that is expensive and not always feasible. But what if, this one time, you decided to spend ten dollars more on that American made product?

I believe that America is worthy of it. I believe that American products are good enough. I believe that my father, a local business owner, is good enough. I believe that the clothing I can buy at a local boutique is good enough.

The rest of the world doesn't give us the respect we deserve because we don't seem to respect ourselves. We claim to be the greatest nation in the world and then we buy all our products abroad. We are being supported by a country that does not share our values, at all.

My friends always make fun of me for using the phrase, "what is my life?" Right now, though, I am not asking that. I'm not even asking "what is my country?" but rather what can my country be?

The Refuge You Built to Flee

I hate winter.

Just because I grew up in Chicago does not mean I enjoy enduring cold months. It's terrible here. There's nothing to do and it gives you too much time to think.

Too much thinking is bad. You can lie in bed, drink cocoa, and long for something, anything. Maybe not a person, but at least an idea. An idea of "I could be better," "something's missing," or even "I should have done that."
These thoughts are detrimental to our mental health. They pull up insecurities from the past and shout until we're willing to listen. They make you feel like you're the fat kid in middle school phys ed. Or the kid who stutters during reading class.

Sometimes, though, you have to get out of bed, pull yourself together, and keep living. This is not to say that you should live behind a facade because that never seems to accomplish anything, now does it?

It's funny how society tells us how we can reach a point and then we'll be happy. If only we were prettier, if only we were smarter, if only we had more friends or a better job, then we would be happy. But we won't be..

Those aches will only linger, growing stronger, begging you to give everything...until there's nothing left for you to give.

It's funny how the weather can change everything.