Not All It's Cracked Up To Be

I like people to think that I don't have emotions, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

I'm a writer--I feel everything. I choose and embrace every moment or emotion that comes my way. I cherish every seemingly insignificant experience. The smallest thing can make my day or wreck my world.

Yesterday, my best friend told me I feel other people's pain too often. She told me I let my loved ones' burdens pile onto me, and crush me. She said, "you don't always want to be the person who is always hurting, always has a problem, even if it's not your own."

I have a savior complex.

In high school, I used to date people with hopes of "saving" them. My mom believed I was codependent. I always ended up dating guys who were deep into drugs and didn't share my values. These guys would tell me that I was the light in their lives, that I was the rock getting them through. The truth is, though, that none of these guys were ever fixed, not permanently anyways.

What actually happened was that I attached myself to broken people, people who offered me nothing, people who took everything I had. I walked away with only a broken heart and more baggage than I had before.

I no longer attach myself to addicts, but I still give everything to those around me. I'm the girl everyone confides in. When a boy breaks your heart, I'll show up with ice cream, wine, and a chick flick. I'll be the one to drag you to the party after you've been moping for a week.

Need to go out and forget? Or stay in and feel? Either way, I'll be there.

Empathy is a beautiful thing, feeling everything with someone wrecks you in a way that makes you feel human. Aching for someone else is one of the deepest ways to show love. Suffering with or for someone is one of life's greatest heartbreaks, and it isn't going to feel good. It's a sacrifice for a reason. Despite what your religious beliefs may be, no one can argue with John 15:13 that says, "there is no greater love than a man laying down his life for his friends."

Constantly feeling other people's pain comes with a price, though. It can be consuming. It can envelop you. It can take your joy away. It can leave you needing something, anything to escape the consistent pain.

I'm not saying I don't want to be there for my friends anymore or anything like that. I'm saying it is important for me to have more positivity in my life. I need to focus on the blessings I have been given. I need to focus on the love I have in my life, rather than the pain.

It's time to let go.

Now is the time to let go of all the things that eat at me, that break me, that take from me. Every single day, we are given a choice--we can choose to suffer or we can choose to be happy. Today and everyday, I want to choose the latter.

I want to chase the things that make me happy--not just extravagant dreams, but the little ones as well. I want to put all this energy into books I love, my work, and use it to only exude more love than pain.

I got some really terrible news yesterday, the kind of news that makes you think about the fragility and futility of life. Each day is a gift and only we can decide how we are going to spend it. The good news is that every morning when we wake up, we are given a new beginning, another chance, a fresh start.

I am choosing to experience joy and spread joy every single day.