Freely Mine

Refreshed. 

That's how I feel right now. I ignore the anxiety filling within my chest because I know it has no reason to be there. There is no reason for me to be feeling anything but peace. Nothing is wrong, but I'm not used to this. I'm not used to playing it by ear.

The river I run along

Right now, I don't have a job. I'm not dedicating hours of my week to chapter or recruitment workshops. I'm not sitting in board meetings for organizations I am involved with. At school, and even at home, I live my life on-the-go. I am constantly worried about money and all of my obligations. The time I get to rest is rare and usually consumed with social media and a Netflix binge.

I'm not really sure what to do with all this free time. Never have I ever not had a job. Never have I ever had time or freedom to just explore. Honestly? I'm not really sure what to do with myself.

In the past 24 hours, I worked on one of my fashion articles, worked to create growth within my book club, gave my blog a makeover, finally watched Frozen, worked out (twice), attempted yoga, and shared churros with the only other Delta Gamma in Granada, just to name a few.

I scroll through my Pinterest feed and smile as I see pictures of La Alhambra on a friend's "Bucket List" board. Right now, I'm living a life other people only dream of. I'm getting a chance to do something most people do not get to do. I'm getting the opportunity to anything and everything I've ever dreamed of. I don't have to ask anyone's permission or worry about missing any sort of obligation. (Besides class--I swear I'm in school full-time.)

Do not let the beautiful pictures fool you--my life here is not always a walk in the park...despite the fact that I do take daily walks throughout the various parks surrounding our neighborhood. However, my day also consists of hiking uphill and walking thirty minutes to get virtually anywhere I need to go.

The funny thing is that I worried that the ease that I was starting to live my life with would cause me to become sensitized to the what I like to call the "before stages." You know the beginning of the story when the struggle is still real and the protaginist is yet to have the moment where he realizes how much of a better person he is due to the suffering? Yeah, those moments.

Walk around in sketchy alleys for an hour in the pouring rain while wearing heels because you can't find your friends? No big deal, or as the Spanish would say, no pasa nada.

When you allow yourself to find peace, not even the worst of circumstances can truly disgruntle you. When you give yourself room to heal, the things that used to eat you alive seem much less important. When your blessings are great, you can only laugh at the misfortune in your life.

I knew I would change when I moved to Europe, but I thought that meant I'd start drinking my coffee black and knowing which wine went with each cheese. I figured I'd improve my Spanish and have a stronger appreciation for freshly baked bread drizzled in olive oil. I keep waking up and wondering why I am not European chic yet.

I have four months to figure out "who I am" or whatever that means. I have four months to escape the daily grind and live a life most people only dream of. I have four months to do...well, anything. That in and of itself is the most terrifying and freeing reality that there is. Who will I become? The choice is mine. I honestly could not think of a simpler, more beautiful concept.

I do not know what I am doing six months from now or even what I am going to be doing after dinner...and that is okay. Sometimes I have to set aside my overpriced Lilly agenda, and just do whatever it is that I want to...simply because I can.