Sometimes, I don't post for awhile because I don't think my words are worth being heard. Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in the things I should do, I forget who I am. I lose my identity in the world.
It's 4AM. I can't sleep. I can't even bawl, like I am wanting to. I am just sitting here, waiting for God to awaken my soul. I read my bible, did a devotion, revisited memories from Costa Rica, looked at blog entries from the World Race. Nothing seems to get me where I need to be.
When did I change? When did I become so busy? When did I lose my passion? Where did it go? Why isn't my heart breaking over this? Why haven't I been calling out in distress? Why don't I want things anymore?
Where is my heart for missions? Why am I more concerned with being sexy than stopping sex trade? Why am I planning a Christmas trip to Hawaii when I have always wanted to go to Africa? Why have I been finding the littlest excuses to not go to church?
I'm not sure where I want to be...but it's not here. I don't want to be up at 4AM, freaking out about my inadequacies. I want to be up at 4AM praising His name. I want to be up at 4AM watching a sunrise in a foreign country. I want to be up at 4AM reading my bible to young girls who have just finished working the streets for the night. I want to be up at 4AM walking across town because there is a need that must be met. I want my life to be about so much more. I want my life to mean something. Maybe I won't be Mother Teresa or even like my older brother, but I want to do something. I can't watch myself waste away in the selfish abyss anymore.
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