Break My Broken Heart

"I will rise when He calls my name."

As much as I love these lyrics, I don't know if I have enough pride to rise right now, especially not in front of my Creator. The irony? It's because of my pride that I'm ashamed.

Lately, I have just thought I was awesome. I thought, Marissa, man, you're great. I should have been thinking, Marissa, man, you're blessed. At this moment, though, I don't feel very awesome. I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed that I haven't thought of the end. All I can think of is right now. What would feel good right now? What would be fun right now?

I read a book a few months ago called Under the Overpass. It's a nonfiction account of a young Christian who chooses to be on America's streets for about five months. In it, Mike (the main character) meets a Christian (which is rare on the streets) who is pained by his personal sin. He struggles with alcoholism, and he literally gets on his knees and cries out to the Lord, seeking redemption for his sin. Mike asks himself why doesn't his own sin pain him like that.

I, like Mike, don't struggle with addiction, but I wish I could see my sin as God sees it. I pray that when I sinned, I wouldn't make excuses. I wouldn't tell myself "God will understand" or "it's not as bad as"... I pray that when I sin, I will fall on my knees and seek reconciliation with my Lord. 

This is my prayer for you. This is my prayer for Mike. This is my prayer for myself. 

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yvfso4Q8xg)

Speaking the Words

Writing is the hardest thing for me. Right now, I'm looking at my computer, begging to do anything but write. I'm even willing to do my pre-calculus homework. The funny thing is--sometimes it's hard to do the things we love. I'm not talking about texting or Facebook, or any other guilty pleasure. I'm talking about the things that compose the very fibers of our being. 

When I write, people expect me to be profound. They tell me I have a gift; they tell me I'm wise beyond my years. They tell me all the things I've been dying to hear. The things that make me feel elated, things that make me realize my purpose in the world. How ironic, but that's exactly when I have to stop. 

See, I do this weird thing where I make it impossible for myself to become comfortable. When I think become too adept with something, I flee. If I stay on Facebook too long, I won't let myself go on for a few days, I constantly throw away "unnecessary material objects." My mom thinks I'm a big sack of crazy, but I think it's just good to let go. When I went to Costa Rica in 2009, someone told me that it's not that God doesn't work when you're comfortable, but He works so much more when you're uncomfortable. 


In Costa Rica, my life changed. I experienced True Love for the first time. I *slept with strangers. I watched the sun rise in the middle of a broken street. I hiked the tallest mountain I'd ever seen. I wiped out in the middle of a rain forest. I slid through a muddy, hollow tree. 

I did thousands of things I never would have done at home. Things that were scary, confusing, and hard to admit. When I left, I was just an American teenager, but when I got home I was changed. I had become a great explorer, a missionary, a vagabond, even if just for a little while. The strangest part was that home didn't feel like home anymore. Honestly, I was anything but comfortable. 


My hope for you is that you can find the balance I can't seem to find. Fervently pursue the things you love, but never become comfortable. You have to change to change yourself. 


*meant in a literal, not sexual context

Lay Me Down

I've been talking to someone lately that has been struggling with some of the same things that I have lately. Always there to lend my opinion, this is what I wrote to him, on regards to college, parties, and seeking meaning in everyday life:

"Ole Miss is the number 5 party school in the entire country. When I first heard this, I thought two things-"Yeaaaaaaaaaah!" and "oh no!" Then once I visited last year, I talked to some current students, I realized it is so much more than that. The good thing about a state school is that it has so many opportunities. For one, they have many religious life activities, and even a chapel. Also, think about how you can be that good influence and reach out to those around you.

And yeah, this is something that is definitely going on in my life, to a tee. A lot of my friends are like Kelli-smart, beautiful, Christian young women who genuinely want the best for me. The funny thing is most of them are in serious (or generally serious) relationships. I guess, I kind of like it that way. They aren't wild; they aren't talking to someone new every week. There's not a lot of pressure, but of course, there's a down side to that. Sometimes when I am hanging out with my couple friends, I feel so overwhelmingly lonely.

Then again, that is the problem with humanity, we just want to feel good. I'll go hang out with a rougher crowd, that doesn't make me feel as inadequate. They smoke, drink, some even do harder drugs. The funny thing,though, is not what these people do when I hang out with them. It's what I do. I flirt with guys in the wrong kind of ways. I am dying for a hit, even though I don't smoke. I make references to my rougher past, almost trying to fit in. I gossip. I'm judgmental. Sure, I don't do "bad things" but I don't act like I am filled with the joy of the Lord. The craziest thing, though? I drive home crying.

Being around people like that doesn't make me feel full. Sometimes, I don't even have fun, but I can just get so lonely sometimes. I realize that good people do exist, and that I need to fight harder for them. For instance, I'll arrange "girl nights" where just a few girlfriends come over and we eat pizza and watch movies. That way, I don't have to be surrounded by mushy gushy crap, but I still get to see my friends. It's hard to be single and a Christian. Actually, it's just hard to be single in general. The world keeps spitting out at us that we need someone to feel complete, and the world's not lying, but remember that person is God.

Some lyrics that really speak to me are the Wreckers "Lay Me Down," one line says "so shut your mouth and hold me close, we both know it's better than being alone. I don't mind killing time..."( here are the rest of the lyrics http://www.elyrics.net/read/w/wreckers-lyrics/lay-me-down-lyrics.html) That just breaks my heart, but it's so true. Sometimes, we don't even care if it's real, we crave affection.

I encourage you to read Song of Songs, 2:2 says "do not arise or awaken love until it so desires." God's has someone waiting for you, someone who will give you their everything, and you will give yours in return. Someone who will be your eternity. Until then, seek Him."