Baby, It's Cold Outside

There's a really obnoxious Taylor Swift song that says, "I don't know what I want so don't ask me; I'm still trying to figure it out."

And there is my entire college experience summed up in one line of a terrible pop song.

Last night, I was running errands with a good friend of mine. On our way back to the dorms, we were all discussing what kind of relationships we wanted. We both decided that right now, at this point in our lives, we're not really sure if we want any sort of relationship...or maybe we do.

Maybe it's the eggnog, or the romantic plots in every Christmas movies, but everyone gets lonely when it's cold outside. Not an annoying, I-just-need-someone-to-love-me lonely. It's not desperate or even that depressing, but there becomes a longing in all of us.

College kids everywhere are acknowledging "cuddle weather." Everyone I've talked to lately wants a warm body in their bed, not necessarily sexually, just having someone there. There's less to do, and everyone just wants to stay in, but no one wants to do it alone. The paradox is, though, how are we going to be who we need to be if we refuse to be by ourselves?

This winter, I'm fighting cuddle weather. I'm done wasting my time, energy, and efforts. Sure, I'll bake cookies and watch Netflix, but I'll do them alone. Not because I'm an "I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T" woman or I hate men, I just love myself.

Wednesday night when I was trying to make a decision, a friend asked me, what would the man of your dreams do? Because the thing is, it's not about changing to be ready for the person you're going to be with, but becoming the person you want to be when you're in a relationship.

What does your final destination look like? Who do you want to be when you're at that point in your life? Allow yourself to become that person.

Love yourself first.

My senior year of high school, I wrote a blog about filling empty spaces and what that leads to. Read it here

Lay Me Down

I've been talking to someone lately that has been struggling with some of the same things that I have lately. Always there to lend my opinion, this is what I wrote to him, on regards to college, parties, and seeking meaning in everyday life:

"Ole Miss is the number 5 party school in the entire country. When I first heard this, I thought two things-"Yeaaaaaaaaaah!" and "oh no!" Then once I visited last year, I talked to some current students, I realized it is so much more than that. The good thing about a state school is that it has so many opportunities. For one, they have many religious life activities, and even a chapel. Also, think about how you can be that good influence and reach out to those around you.

And yeah, this is something that is definitely going on in my life, to a tee. A lot of my friends are like Kelli-smart, beautiful, Christian young women who genuinely want the best for me. The funny thing is most of them are in serious (or generally serious) relationships. I guess, I kind of like it that way. They aren't wild; they aren't talking to someone new every week. There's not a lot of pressure, but of course, there's a down side to that. Sometimes when I am hanging out with my couple friends, I feel so overwhelmingly lonely.

Then again, that is the problem with humanity, we just want to feel good. I'll go hang out with a rougher crowd, that doesn't make me feel as inadequate. They smoke, drink, some even do harder drugs. The funny thing,though, is not what these people do when I hang out with them. It's what I do. I flirt with guys in the wrong kind of ways. I am dying for a hit, even though I don't smoke. I make references to my rougher past, almost trying to fit in. I gossip. I'm judgmental. Sure, I don't do "bad things" but I don't act like I am filled with the joy of the Lord. The craziest thing, though? I drive home crying.

Being around people like that doesn't make me feel full. Sometimes, I don't even have fun, but I can just get so lonely sometimes. I realize that good people do exist, and that I need to fight harder for them. For instance, I'll arrange "girl nights" where just a few girlfriends come over and we eat pizza and watch movies. That way, I don't have to be surrounded by mushy gushy crap, but I still get to see my friends. It's hard to be single and a Christian. Actually, it's just hard to be single in general. The world keeps spitting out at us that we need someone to feel complete, and the world's not lying, but remember that person is God.

Some lyrics that really speak to me are the Wreckers "Lay Me Down," one line says "so shut your mouth and hold me close, we both know it's better than being alone. I don't mind killing time..."( here are the rest of the lyrics http://www.elyrics.net/read/w/wreckers-lyrics/lay-me-down-lyrics.html) That just breaks my heart, but it's so true. Sometimes, we don't even care if it's real, we crave affection.

I encourage you to read Song of Songs, 2:2 says "do not arise or awaken love until it so desires." God's has someone waiting for you, someone who will give you their everything, and you will give yours in return. Someone who will be your eternity. Until then, seek Him."