4 AM

Sometimes, I don't post for awhile because I don't think my words are worth being heard. Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in the things I should do, I forget who I am. I lose my identity in the world.

It's 4AM. I can't sleep. I can't even bawl, like I am wanting to. I am just sitting here, waiting for God to awaken my soul. I read my bible, did a devotion, revisited memories from Costa Rica, looked at blog entries from the World Race. Nothing seems to get me where I need to be.

When did I change? When did I become so busy? When did I lose my passion? Where did it go? Why isn't my heart breaking over this? Why haven't I been calling out in distress?  Why don't I want things anymore?

Where is my heart for missions? Why am I more concerned with being sexy than stopping sex trade? Why am I planning a Christmas trip to Hawaii when I have always wanted to go to Africa? Why have I been finding the littlest excuses to not go to church?

I'm not sure where I want to be...but it's not here. I don't want to be up at 4AM, freaking out about my inadequacies. I want to be up at 4AM praising His name. I want to be up at 4AM watching a sunrise in a foreign country. I want to be up at 4AM reading my bible to young girls who have just finished working the streets for the night. I want to be up at 4AM walking across town because there is a need that must be met.  I want my life to be about so much more. I want my life to mean something. Maybe I won't be Mother Teresa or even like my older brother, but I want to do something. I can't watch myself waste away in the selfish abyss anymore.

Break My Broken Heart

"I will rise when He calls my name."

As much as I love these lyrics, I don't know if I have enough pride to rise right now, especially not in front of my Creator. The irony? It's because of my pride that I'm ashamed.

Lately, I have just thought I was awesome. I thought, Marissa, man, you're great. I should have been thinking, Marissa, man, you're blessed. At this moment, though, I don't feel very awesome. I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed that I haven't thought of the end. All I can think of is right now. What would feel good right now? What would be fun right now?

I read a book a few months ago called Under the Overpass. It's a nonfiction account of a young Christian who chooses to be on America's streets for about five months. In it, Mike (the main character) meets a Christian (which is rare on the streets) who is pained by his personal sin. He struggles with alcoholism, and he literally gets on his knees and cries out to the Lord, seeking redemption for his sin. Mike asks himself why doesn't his own sin pain him like that.

I, like Mike, don't struggle with addiction, but I wish I could see my sin as God sees it. I pray that when I sinned, I wouldn't make excuses. I wouldn't tell myself "God will understand" or "it's not as bad as"... I pray that when I sin, I will fall on my knees and seek reconciliation with my Lord. 

This is my prayer for you. This is my prayer for Mike. This is my prayer for myself. 

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yvfso4Q8xg)