4 AM

Sometimes, I don't post for awhile because I don't think my words are worth being heard. Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in the things I should do, I forget who I am. I lose my identity in the world.

It's 4AM. I can't sleep. I can't even bawl, like I am wanting to. I am just sitting here, waiting for God to awaken my soul. I read my bible, did a devotion, revisited memories from Costa Rica, looked at blog entries from the World Race. Nothing seems to get me where I need to be.

When did I change? When did I become so busy? When did I lose my passion? Where did it go? Why isn't my heart breaking over this? Why haven't I been calling out in distress?  Why don't I want things anymore?

Where is my heart for missions? Why am I more concerned with being sexy than stopping sex trade? Why am I planning a Christmas trip to Hawaii when I have always wanted to go to Africa? Why have I been finding the littlest excuses to not go to church?

I'm not sure where I want to be...but it's not here. I don't want to be up at 4AM, freaking out about my inadequacies. I want to be up at 4AM praising His name. I want to be up at 4AM watching a sunrise in a foreign country. I want to be up at 4AM reading my bible to young girls who have just finished working the streets for the night. I want to be up at 4AM walking across town because there is a need that must be met.  I want my life to be about so much more. I want my life to mean something. Maybe I won't be Mother Teresa or even like my older brother, but I want to do something. I can't watch myself waste away in the selfish abyss anymore.

Lost and Insecure:You Found Me.

I'm starting to feel really proud of myself, for starting things. The only problem is that starting something means nothing unless you're willing to finish it. I am the world champion at beginning things I never accomplish. I have always viewed it as such a weak point. Is it that I simply do not have the willpower? Or that I am not ambitious enough?

Sometimes these insecurities haunt us. That's another tough spot though, how do you know when to change the flaw or accept it? Where do we find that line? Everyone tells you to be proud of your body, not insecure, but when do we reach they point where we should stop crying and make a change? I guess that's another line left up to us to decide.

I sometimes question if life would be easier if every year on your birthday you received a manual discussing all the problems that would occur in the next year, and specific advice on how to deal with them. Every time I think this, I must take it a step farther and open my eyes. We were given that book. The Bible discussing any corruption we could possibly come across, but we try so hard to avoid it's teachings. We believe that we, sinners, can accomplish more on our own than our king, and creator ever could. When I put it that way, it sounds kind of ridiculous, doesn't it?