Crazy

Many times people say that so-and-so makes them crazy. Usually it's said discussing the annoyance a familiar member or close friend has caused. In my life, I have someone who literally makes me crazy. When I am around this person, I lose all control. I don't know how to function. I don't know how to control myself. It's so strong, it's almost like I am possessed. Reading this, you may think I am talking about a passionate love affair, but I'm not.

Have you ever met someone who "makes" you go against all you know? Someone who brings out the very worst in you? Someone who aggravates you so much you think you can't breathe? Someone who is so ridiculous that you justify the crazy? I do.

It's a terrible feeling. Personally, my advice is avoid these people, find people who lift you up, who make you want to be better. I have learned that sometimes you cannot avoid the people who make you barbaric. I've also learned another thing.

You do not have to be crazy. You see I have experienced Love so grand that there is no reason for me to be crazy. There is no reason for me to be angry. There is no reason for me to be revengeful.

The more I consider, the more I realize what is really crazy here. What is crazy is that I am so unbelievably blessed and so loved that there is no reason for "the crazy" to exist in my life. I have convinced myself that I won't be okay until I am away from this person, and you know what? That may be true. I may be over it when I get away, but I don't have to wait.

I don't have to wait for myself to heal only because I have allowed myself to get bitter. I recently read a book, and a guy in it had overcome a lot of pain in his life when asked how, he replied "when something traumatic happens, you can either get bitter or better. I chose the latter." (paraphrased)

Isn't that the truth? What I have found to also be true is that I don't have to wait to get better. Maybe if I can get better now, it can help eliminate the crazy. Heck, it's worth a try.

Algo Mas

I'm inspired. I'm sure you're thinking that I have been inspired to write because I am so obviously a writer. I suppose that is true. I was inspired to write. The real inspiration though, is seen through what I am choosing to write.

I have been reading Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris. I first heard of these twenty-one year old twins when I read Zach Hunter's books Be the Change and Generation Change. Alex and Brett have written two books, and also hold conferences and write a blog call the Rebelution (http://www.therebelution.com/blog/) Zach has been an active abolitionist and has written three books since he was 15. He is now 18. All three of these books discuss the ability of young people and how we are too often underestimated.

I am a good kid. I take pride in this. I do not do drugs or have premarital sex. I am on Honor Roll, and I have even jump started my college education. I did all my research on colleges, not my parents. Now, I am not trying to brag, but my parents are lucky to have me.

I have a lot of friends. A wide variety too. Some of my friends are in these honors classes with me, some are high school dropouts. All my friends have flaws, and so do I.

You see, lately I've had a yearning for something more. I have a lot of faith in God. I have been his for four years now, but it is deeper than that. I want something more than the mundane details of this life. I want my life to count for something.

As I stated before, I am not a bad kid. When I wonder about myself and my worth, I find it very reassuring to know that I'm "not as bad as..."

Now, sitting here in my room, I must ask, 'does that matter?' I don't think so. I may have believed that a week ago, even said it, but not now. Do Hard Things makes one realize that the teenage years are not a break from society. It is not something that is disconnected from your life. It should be used as preparation for the rest of your life. And the strength, agility and naivety teens possess should be channeled and used for the greater good. This doesn't just mean avoiding the bad stuff, it means going above and beyond the low expectations set for teenagers today. Look at Zach, look at the twins. Look at the members of my Costa Rica mission team last year. Teenagers are capable of abandoning themselves and working for something more. And I want to revive that within myself, and my community.

I WANT SOMETHING MORE. I am willing to do hard things. I am willing to step outside my comfort zone. I just don't know how or where to start. I'm passionate about a lot of things, or at least I was. I can't seem to grasp anything of substance right now. I don't feel forsaken, but I do feel lost. I want to be used. I want God to use me in big ways. I want to do something more, not selfishly, not for a college application. I want to live an extravagant life not tainted with material things, or selfish desires. I want more, and not just for me.

Menial Mind Trap

I glide my hand down the railing and look up at the rain. Mother offered me her umbrella this morning, but I declined. It was only sprinkling then, but now it was progressing to a more steady stream. There was no breeze, so the temperature felt just right against my oversize flannel shirt. Weather like this makes you believe anything can happen, good or bad. Either it is going to start pouring and the temperature will drop, or in an hour the sun will be welcoming you to your day. Normally, rainy days depress me, but not today. The walk on the bridge is fairly long, and my mind can think of nothing more than words. My famous philosophies start breeding.

Look at me-I’m a mess. My clothes are too big, too tight. My hair is never combed. I am not too fond of makeup, and my shoes are fairly sensible. My socks don’t match, and I doodle on my own body. If you looked in my purse, you’d find a Dora the Explorer water bottle, but also a newspaper. At this point you’re probably thinking okay, well this is obviously a middle aged mom.

Well, you’re wrong. I am a sixteen-year-old girl. I am an aspiring fashion designer and a chocolate addict. I like shopping at Abercrombie and texting cute boys. I think my teachers are annoying, and I skip school a lot (like today). I listen to my music a little too loud. I don’t get along with my parents, and I like to dance inappropriately. I’m a normal teenager. Aren’t I?

Only, this does feels wrong. Most teenagers can be given a menial task and accomplish it if they have some motivation. They take everything for what it is. They complain about a task, put it off until the last minute, and then complain about having to stay up until 3 AM to finish it. Don’t get me wrong, I do some of these things, but the process is a little different.

My mind races a mile a minute. I never seem to get anything done because I cannot concentrate. I think too much, do too little. What does that leave me with? A feeling of being misunderstood? Not quite. It just leaves me searching. Everyday, I look. I’ve found most of the answers but I can’t seem to apply them. I’m told I’m wise beyond my years and fairly grounded, but why do the things I do contradict that strongly?

My grades are suffering, especially Creative Writing. What? What’s that you say? Oh, I’m a writer, so shouldn’t that be my best class? Maybe it should, maybe it should not. I have never really understood the concept of things one should do. There are things you have to do, and things you want to do. Should is only a reason to live strictly by the terms set by society. I do not have to do that. I do not want to do that. Therefore, I am not doing it. No matter what I ‘should’ do.

This paper, or venting, future story, or just a journal entry, whatever this Microsoft 2007 document will end up as, it doesn’t matter. I should be doing my homework. I should be writing a scholarship essay. But right now, I must write for me.

That is the funny thing about the things a person loves to do, he/she no longer loves them when he/she is forced to. The things we love become a blur in the labor of our lives. WHY? Why should we do that to ourselves? Why should we taint ourselves with a life without leisure?

Why does our society define leisure as such a negative thing? Why do we put our meaning in terms of performance? Why can we not be adequate without being the best at something? Why does everything have to be so perfectly scheduled? Why can we not escape without a set time? Does that not defeat the purpose?

It’s disgusting, really. Doing is not living. Planning is not living. Yes, these things are most definitely necessary, but are by no means what leaves us content, not really. We think that if maybe we score a little higher on the ACT, or if we get the promotion, or love our family a little more, then everything will be okay.

You see, the thing about life is that it is not some formula. There is not a predetermined way to live the perfect life, no secret to the ‘American Dream.’ Don’t look at this and say, ‘of course, I already know this.’ We need to be reminded. You see, I understand that I am young, and perhaps a little reckless, but I realize there is a lot I do not know about life. Chances are there are some things you do not know either. The other day I came across a beautiful quote that seemed to fit well here, it discusses how maybe we do not have it all figured out, but that is okay because we are all learning.

“It seemed like a fine philosophy. In five years, I thought, it will seem just as silly as all the other fine philosophies I’ve had. Perhaps, as you went along you did learn something. I did not care what it was all about. All I wanted to know was how to live in it. Maybe if you found out how to live in it, you learned from that what it was all about.” –The Sun Also Rises, Ernest Hemingway.

Perhaps that is all true. I believe it to be. There’s a lot I so strongly believe in. And yes, leisure is one of them, but so are education and work. There are times to work and times to play. It’s a daily thing though, seeing where it is right to do which. People can advise you on what you shall do, let you see a different side of that and that is great, really. Remember that your world does revolve around you, and you are the only one ALL your decisions will affect. Be considerate of others, but let your decisions be between you and your beliefs. Honestly, sometimes we need to be selfish, to escape reality, and to have fun. Is that so wrong?