Menial Mind Trap

I glide my hand down the railing and look up at the rain. Mother offered me her umbrella this morning, but I declined. It was only sprinkling then, but now it was progressing to a more steady stream. There was no breeze, so the temperature felt just right against my oversize flannel shirt. Weather like this makes you believe anything can happen, good or bad. Either it is going to start pouring and the temperature will drop, or in an hour the sun will be welcoming you to your day. Normally, rainy days depress me, but not today. The walk on the bridge is fairly long, and my mind can think of nothing more than words. My famous philosophies start breeding.

Look at me-I’m a mess. My clothes are too big, too tight. My hair is never combed. I am not too fond of makeup, and my shoes are fairly sensible. My socks don’t match, and I doodle on my own body. If you looked in my purse, you’d find a Dora the Explorer water bottle, but also a newspaper. At this point you’re probably thinking okay, well this is obviously a middle aged mom.

Well, you’re wrong. I am a sixteen-year-old girl. I am an aspiring fashion designer and a chocolate addict. I like shopping at Abercrombie and texting cute boys. I think my teachers are annoying, and I skip school a lot (like today). I listen to my music a little too loud. I don’t get along with my parents, and I like to dance inappropriately. I’m a normal teenager. Aren’t I?

Only, this does feels wrong. Most teenagers can be given a menial task and accomplish it if they have some motivation. They take everything for what it is. They complain about a task, put it off until the last minute, and then complain about having to stay up until 3 AM to finish it. Don’t get me wrong, I do some of these things, but the process is a little different.

My mind races a mile a minute. I never seem to get anything done because I cannot concentrate. I think too much, do too little. What does that leave me with? A feeling of being misunderstood? Not quite. It just leaves me searching. Everyday, I look. I’ve found most of the answers but I can’t seem to apply them. I’m told I’m wise beyond my years and fairly grounded, but why do the things I do contradict that strongly?

My grades are suffering, especially Creative Writing. What? What’s that you say? Oh, I’m a writer, so shouldn’t that be my best class? Maybe it should, maybe it should not. I have never really understood the concept of things one should do. There are things you have to do, and things you want to do. Should is only a reason to live strictly by the terms set by society. I do not have to do that. I do not want to do that. Therefore, I am not doing it. No matter what I ‘should’ do.

This paper, or venting, future story, or just a journal entry, whatever this Microsoft 2007 document will end up as, it doesn’t matter. I should be doing my homework. I should be writing a scholarship essay. But right now, I must write for me.

That is the funny thing about the things a person loves to do, he/she no longer loves them when he/she is forced to. The things we love become a blur in the labor of our lives. WHY? Why should we do that to ourselves? Why should we taint ourselves with a life without leisure?

Why does our society define leisure as such a negative thing? Why do we put our meaning in terms of performance? Why can we not be adequate without being the best at something? Why does everything have to be so perfectly scheduled? Why can we not escape without a set time? Does that not defeat the purpose?

It’s disgusting, really. Doing is not living. Planning is not living. Yes, these things are most definitely necessary, but are by no means what leaves us content, not really. We think that if maybe we score a little higher on the ACT, or if we get the promotion, or love our family a little more, then everything will be okay.

You see, the thing about life is that it is not some formula. There is not a predetermined way to live the perfect life, no secret to the ‘American Dream.’ Don’t look at this and say, ‘of course, I already know this.’ We need to be reminded. You see, I understand that I am young, and perhaps a little reckless, but I realize there is a lot I do not know about life. Chances are there are some things you do not know either. The other day I came across a beautiful quote that seemed to fit well here, it discusses how maybe we do not have it all figured out, but that is okay because we are all learning.

“It seemed like a fine philosophy. In five years, I thought, it will seem just as silly as all the other fine philosophies I’ve had. Perhaps, as you went along you did learn something. I did not care what it was all about. All I wanted to know was how to live in it. Maybe if you found out how to live in it, you learned from that what it was all about.” –The Sun Also Rises, Ernest Hemingway.

Perhaps that is all true. I believe it to be. There’s a lot I so strongly believe in. And yes, leisure is one of them, but so are education and work. There are times to work and times to play. It’s a daily thing though, seeing where it is right to do which. People can advise you on what you shall do, let you see a different side of that and that is great, really. Remember that your world does revolve around you, and you are the only one ALL your decisions will affect. Be considerate of others, but let your decisions be between you and your beliefs. Honestly, sometimes we need to be selfish, to escape reality, and to have fun. Is that so wrong?