The Brilliant Dance

All my life I have found it easy to encourage, to inspire, to ignite. All my life, I have found out that for some crazy reason, I know what to say and how to say it. I know how to make people breathe and I know how to make people think. I know how to shout and how to whisper. I know how to be heard.

The past six months have been a whirlwind for me. I started college and I changed, dramatically. Honestly,  I barely know the girl who walked into Camp Hall in August. I started becoming the person I had always wanted to be. Somewhere in making my dreams come true, I abandoned the one thing that made me breathe, the one thing that made me feel. I stopped writing. And somehow not writing turned into not having passion. I stopped wanting things because I was slowly obtaining everything I had thought I wanted.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not lazy, but I am a procrastinator. And lately, I've procrastinated passion. I've been so concerned with being busy and being someone that I haven't made time to be me. Sure, life takes dedication. It takes, not only, ambition, but drive as well to achieve your dreams, but you cannot lose yourself in that.

God willing, I will be a politician one day. Politicians and college kids have a lot in common. They start off with one goal, usually idealistic, and somewhere, somehow, it all goes wrong. They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Say it ain't so. 

During midterms last semester, I called my brother upset because I hated my Spanish class. I hated Spanish because I was struggling at something I used to be great at. He told me that no skill that you used to have matters. No one cares that you used to know Spanish. No one cares if you used to be a good person. No one cares if you used to get good grades. They care who you are know and who you are trying to be.

No one cares that I used to be a good writer. I can't put that on my resume. I can't get into law school with an annotation that says "I swear I can write better; I just need to find myself again." No one cares what a politician enters the game as. No one cares that he or she claims to believe in something. The public barely sees their platforms, but their actions instead.

I don't want to be a face without substance. I don't want to be a politician without a stance. 

...I want to be a person of integrity, who believes, cries, and yearns for things. I want to be a passionate writer who cannot stop, who will not stop.

I want to be me. And I write. 

Algo Mas

I'm inspired. I'm sure you're thinking that I have been inspired to write because I am so obviously a writer. I suppose that is true. I was inspired to write. The real inspiration though, is seen through what I am choosing to write.

I have been reading Do Hard Things by Alex and Brett Harris. I first heard of these twenty-one year old twins when I read Zach Hunter's books Be the Change and Generation Change. Alex and Brett have written two books, and also hold conferences and write a blog call the Rebelution (http://www.therebelution.com/blog/) Zach has been an active abolitionist and has written three books since he was 15. He is now 18. All three of these books discuss the ability of young people and how we are too often underestimated.

I am a good kid. I take pride in this. I do not do drugs or have premarital sex. I am on Honor Roll, and I have even jump started my college education. I did all my research on colleges, not my parents. Now, I am not trying to brag, but my parents are lucky to have me.

I have a lot of friends. A wide variety too. Some of my friends are in these honors classes with me, some are high school dropouts. All my friends have flaws, and so do I.

You see, lately I've had a yearning for something more. I have a lot of faith in God. I have been his for four years now, but it is deeper than that. I want something more than the mundane details of this life. I want my life to count for something.

As I stated before, I am not a bad kid. When I wonder about myself and my worth, I find it very reassuring to know that I'm "not as bad as..."

Now, sitting here in my room, I must ask, 'does that matter?' I don't think so. I may have believed that a week ago, even said it, but not now. Do Hard Things makes one realize that the teenage years are not a break from society. It is not something that is disconnected from your life. It should be used as preparation for the rest of your life. And the strength, agility and naivety teens possess should be channeled and used for the greater good. This doesn't just mean avoiding the bad stuff, it means going above and beyond the low expectations set for teenagers today. Look at Zach, look at the twins. Look at the members of my Costa Rica mission team last year. Teenagers are capable of abandoning themselves and working for something more. And I want to revive that within myself, and my community.

I WANT SOMETHING MORE. I am willing to do hard things. I am willing to step outside my comfort zone. I just don't know how or where to start. I'm passionate about a lot of things, or at least I was. I can't seem to grasp anything of substance right now. I don't feel forsaken, but I do feel lost. I want to be used. I want God to use me in big ways. I want to do something more, not selfishly, not for a college application. I want to live an extravagant life not tainted with material things, or selfish desires. I want more, and not just for me.

Help!

Things are revealed to us in the most unexpected ways, aren't they? For the past few months, I have been sitting on my butt wondering hour after hour, what was I going to do with myself this summer. I looked for absolutely every opportunity I could have accepted. First, I wanted to go to a ritzy acting camp, then there was singing lessons, then early scholar classes and of course, various plays. Crazy enough, none of my ideas went as planned. I figured well, I'll just have to get a job like every other high schooler, but I feared that. I feared normality.

About a month ago, while talking to my brother about desiring to be busy this summer, he suggested to me a mission trip. I told him I'd look into it, but honestly, I didn't take him seriously. Yes, I loved God, but my own selfishness was in the way. A week later, I did look up those mission trips he was referring to, and knew it was time.

I'm asking for help, but until I help others, I can't help myself.

I can't just keep saying I want to make the world a better place. I can't just keep planning for the future. I have to think about right now. What if I die tomorrow? Would I want to be remembered as the girl who didn't want to save the world until it was convenient? I took some time to really think and pray about it and I realized this was what I wanted.

My brother told me he could see a desire in me to help others, and he's right, that desire is here. It is streaming through every one of my veins. It is shouting, don't wait any longer. With every heart beat, I know what I have to do. God puts passions into our heart for a reason, does He not? If you don't use it, you lose it, right?