Let's Be Honest

Today, I woke up and my face had life. I didn't resemble the zombie I was during finals or the basket case I was during recruitment. I didn't wake up with a mission; I only woke up because that is what we do. We wake up, we live out our day, and then we go back to sleep.

Last summer, I lost fifteen pounds, not trying too hard. I cut down my calorie count but that was about it. The biggest change I made was that I begin to take better care of myself. I began sleeping more than my usual 3AM-6AM nightly regimen.

However, as soon as fall hit, it was like I had no control again. I thought I handled spring semester poorly, but fall was probably the worst season of my life. Not that it was obvious—I was pretty good at pretending my life was together, for awhile.

The biggest lesson I learned this semester is that slowing down, coming home, saying no: these aren't the things that make you weak. They are the things that give you time to regain strength and become whole again. When you put yourself in a million different places but you are not okay yourself, you will slowly fall apart.

Last year, I reconnected with a good friend of mine from high school, and she confided in me that she went through a hard time while away at school...But then she came home and she was okay again. It took much pride to leave, but she had to do what she had to be healthy—mentally, physically, and emotionally.

After she got alcohol poisoning in the Spring, another friend of mine moved home. And it was the greatest thing that ever happened to her. I have never seen her more whole, and now, she is one of the happiest people I know.

I'm pretty self-reliant. I've had a job since I was thirteen. I've done my own laundry since I was ten.  I learned how to cook my own ramen when I was merely eight. I've never been the type to rely on my parents, or anyone else really.  I, especially, don't like asking for help.

Finding an alternative way to live my life seemed ludicrous a few months ago. Saying no to an activity or opportunity was out of question. I HAD TO DO IT ALL. What will law school admissions think of me? The person who I will be compared to probably said yes, and me? Well, I wanted sleep. I wanted a break. What will they think of me then?

The funny thing was that because I refused to change, the change was made for me. My sorority put me on probation for a month's time because I had missed meetings I was too busy to realize I had to attend. I had a rude awakening after failing a midterm in my science class. My president pretty much told me that I had let her down as a VP and stopped relying on me.  My friends told me I was unable to listen, to understand, to even care.

I became apathetic because I didn't know how to care anymore.

Needless to say, my life was a mess. But last week, I was texting a dear friend of mine and told her that I screwed up my life. Her response was, "and you have a month to fix it." 

She was right— I have the opportunity to fix my life. We all do.

Talking about how each day is a new beginning is super cliche. I get that, but the reasons cliches are cliches are because they are true. Have you ever noticed those evangelists who used to be addicted to cocaine? Maybe they messed up every relationship in their life and ended up living on the streets? And now they are the most passionate and loving people you have ever met...

Well, everyone loves a good redemption story because it is the story of all of us. At some point in our lives, possibly daily, we have to take a minute to reevaluate what we are doing. We have to ask ourselves, how can we change? How can we take the mistakes we've made and turn them into something greater?

In about a week, I will return to Birmingham and slowly get back into the grove of things. I have faith that this time will be different. I will stay whole and healthy. I won't have panic attacks. I will sleep every night. I will say no to my friends.

In 2013, I want to be more than the girl who's willing to do anything. I want to be the girl who stands for something. I want to be the girl who lives a life that means something. And I will. I'm trusting my readers, my friends, my family, my Prince of Peace, and myself that I am going to do this.

I am going to be the best, not just the most productive, me I can be. I'm going to focus on having healthy relationships with myself, and all those around me. Promise.

Happiness is only real when shared.



*This is probably the most honest blog I've ever written. It contains many personal details of my life. Please respect the fact that I am willing to share it with you.